Back from the city by the bay...

We took Baby J to see his Mom this weekend. We took Deidra and Baby J and Baby D with us and put Little J in respite (the foster home where she stayed before us) for the weekend. We left early Saturday morning and drove through rain, heavy winds, and lots of accidents all over and it took us a little over 8 hours to get down there. I really was dreading going down there and by the time we got down there, we were all glad to be out of the car. However, we went to Wal-mart for a couple of things, ate dinner at Fuddruckers where my Dad called asking if we were ok. I said yeah, we are fine and asked why...apparently there were tornadoes in the Houston area and he just wanted to make sure we weren't driving in any of it. We got back tot he hotel and got everyone ready for bed. I slept horribly last night between worrying about the boys falling out of bed, Deidra kept getting up to use the bathroom or wanting water to drink, Andy kept turning lights on that was disturbing the boys, and the bed creaked at any turn you made and was horribly uncomfortable.

This morning, Andy had his alarm going off at 5:30...no idea why since we didn't have to be at Baby J's visit until 9...but that woke me up and so I didn't even try to go back to bed. I got up with a horrible sinus headache and a backache from the bed...took a shower which helped a bit. Got the kids up and bathed and dressed, headed over to eat breakfast...back to the hotel room to do one last check that we got everything, checked out and hopped on the road to go see Baby J's mom.

After all the caseworkers calling to set up the visit, his Mom had no idea that he was coming this weekend so it definitely made her day. She gave him his Christmas presents and she crocheted me a little purse and gave me Baby J's first pair of shoes that he ever wore. I got teary eyed and she brought up the adoption...we chatted for a few minutes about what she wanted and there were a couple things that I wasn't sure how to answer but I tried to be honest about it and that I'd have to think over some things and talk to Andy as well. She seemed to accept that. I told her that I was working on his scrapbook and she went down and got his baby book that she had made and showed me and she's going to get me a copy. She referred to me to Josiah as his "mommy" too and he had fun exploring the room. He was scratching at his head a lot and I was worried that he was having an allergic reaction to the hotel shampoo that we used as we normally only use Johnson's baby shampoo on his head when his Mom found lice eggs. I was horribly embarrassed that I didn't even know that he had them and I thought we had the lice problem here nipped in the bud since December. She totally understood and kept telling me over and over that I didn't need to apologize, he was a kid and he was going to get them from time to time. However, I apologized over and over again. She only found a couple of bugs (babies) so I'm thinking that he really just came down with them, but she wanted to bring him to the nurse to see if she could treat him or if they could find some hair clippers so we could just cut his hair shorter. She took me back with them and we got into trouble for being back there. We went back to the visitation room and talked and laughed and watched him together and she kept saying over and over that she could see how happy he was with me and she looked at the pictures I brought and she said it again. She was happy to have them though. It was a lot more comfortable between us this time. One lady that I remember from last time was giving both of us a hard time (the visit had been set up from 9-12) and she kept coming in to ask how long I intended to stay...I really felt unwelcome there and I didn't like how rude this lady was being. J's mom called her counselor in to complain...I never have done anything to be treated that way and her problems with her she didn't want being taken out on me). Anyway, they were going to find out what the problem was. Shortly before the visit was supposed to end, J's mom got permission for me to go get the camera so we could take some pics of them together. I ran out to the car to grab the camera and came back in and the lady at the desk was giving me the evil eye (it's strictly prohibited to take pics inside the premises or outside), but she had permission to take them outside. Well, we were waiting for her supervisor to come down to walk with us outside and it got past the time the visit was supposed to end and while the lady at the desk was gone, I just took a couple pics of her and Baby J together. Shortly afterwards, we were still waiting and J's diaper needed to be changed. I was packing up everything and all these people showed up in the hallway and I asked his mom if one of those ladies was her supervisor and she said no, but we both noticed that the mean lady was back and she came in and told me that she appreciated that I brought the baby, but that they needed the room for another visitation session and that I needed to pack the baby up and leave and that they got word that no pictures were allowed to be taken. I explained that she had just gotten permission and that we had done them before. She said that they had to get back to the rules, his mom looked at me and I said that I understood their rules, but that I thought the pictures were important for J so that he could have pics of the time with his mom since they've been apart for so long. She had no sympathy...his mom stood up and handed J to me, gave him a hug and a kiss, turned to me and hugged me and she told me that they both loved me for taking such good care of him and she just wanted me to know that. She didn't want me to worry or feel bad that he had lice and that we had a lifetime to share together of all of his sicknesses and broken bones together. We both got teary-eyed and then she wanted me to go with him before she broke down in front of both of us. She didn't want me to worry about the mean lady either and I told her "I will figure out how to report her if I have to...don't you worry about it." And I left with J...when we drove out she was standing in the window and I waved to her.

Andy asked how things went and I told him that it's hard to know...I think she's going to sign the adoption papers and after today's visit I am completely ok with that if she wants to. However, I also know that she's said that's what she was wanting before and she didn't follow through...so I'm just going to see how it plays out. She did really good with him today and he played with her just fine...when he was looking at his baby book and she would point out her, his Dad, and other family members...he started referring to her as "you" and when she would say "Mommy" he would point at me. She told him that he had two mommies who loved him and that we would both spend the rest of our lives loving him and wanting what was best for him, but she knows that she can't take care of him like we can and that she's still got a lot of work together to get herself back together." I was proud of her, yet I know how hard that must have been for her. She was so nervous about our visit too and I told her that I had been just as nervous. She said that even when she calls, she gets a knot in her stomach because she gets so nervous. I told Andy that when we visit, we get along fine...but yet on the phone we're both so nervous around each other. She did ask if I knew the next time that we'd be down and I told her I hadn't thought it over yet...I didn't want to promise anything yet without knowing how things were going to play out. But, I've been praying about it all and I will continue to do so....but I do feel better with things and hope she'll sign the open adoption papers and I truly hope that what she said today was all the truth and that she is truly trying to get herself back on track. She's a beautiful girl with a lot of talent and I hope she puts it all to good use for her and for Baby J and can get her life turned around.

I told Andy on the way home that I've seen adoption stories where the adoptive family treats the birthmom as an extended family member and they embrace her as one of the family and they all have a good relationship with one another...I'd love to have a relationship with her like that...I just don't know if I can...but I can see us being friends too if she gets her life turned around and going in the right direction.