Am I always going to feel like this...

Why does it still feel like such a stab in the heart when I find out that someone is pregnant? I wish them all well, but why does it have to hurt like it does? Everytime I think I finally make my peace if it never happens for us again, I find out that someone is expecting and it's such a stab in the heart. I saw this really pregnant lady at Home Depot today and I asked her when she was due and I started thinking about my crazy cycle lately (the spotting off an on and the barely there periods) and wondering what was going on with me. One of the head cashiers is pregnant and it hasn't bothered me too badly, although I do wish her whole situation was a bit better for her. That's a whole other story though. She's a sweet girl though and I wish her all the best. I got home from work and my cousin, April, had e-mailed me (we haven't really talked since I moved, but we were close when she was pregnant with Logan and I got to see her and the baby the day that she had him)...anyway she's pregnant with baby #2 and it's a girl. She's going to have her the day before my birthday. I'm happy for her and her husband, I just didn't expect to feel the way that I do...it still hurts to find stuff like this out. Is it always going to feel like this?

Andy and I aren't using birth control...we haven't in quite some time. Part of me wonders if I lose this extra weight if it will help us to be able to get pregnant. I guess I need to do it while I am still able to have kids age-wise so I'll never have any regrets or wonders. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I am completely ready to start fostering/adopting and I am so hoping for babies. I think that will totally help...but I would like to be pregnant again someday too.