Just can't seem to get into the Easter spirit...

I just can't seem to get into the Easter spirit, which totally surprises me since Christmas and Easter are my favorite holidays. I didn't even get the kids Easter outfits...I'm just going to have the girl's wear their outfits that they just wore for their spring portraits and I'll figure out something for the boys. I did get the kids pictures taken with the Easter bunny over vacation...

I got a bunch of plastic eggs and some candy to stuff them with and baskets for the kids from our foster care agency. I went up to the store today to get some more. I told Andy that I totally didn't even feel like cooking a big meal or anything and we were contemplating going to a church that was having a 10,000 Easter egg hunt, free food and games, and chances to win scooters, iPods, Wii, and a bunch of fun prizes...but then I got to thinking that may be hard as it starts around the boys nap times and I didn't know what accomodations they would have for the boys and eating may be hard that way too. So, this morning we finally said we'd defrost the ham that has been in our freezer and we'd make Easter dinner. I got Deidra her Easter basket from my Dad and Andy got one from us for her last night. I got chocolate bunnies for all of the kids since the foster care agency took care of the kids and Baby D and Little J's parents got them an Easter basket as well. I stuffed a bunch of plastic eggs so we can have our own little Easter egg hunt as well for the kids tomorrow. I'm going to Easter vigil with my Mom tonight and I'm trying to talk my brother into going with us too, but he doesn't want to sit through a 3-4 hour service. My spirit isn't really into going either, but I know once I'm there I'll be fine, so I'm going to go. I wish I knew what my problem was this year.

I do know that I keep thinking about my Grandma and my Mom...they both passed away during Easter time and good family friends of ours lost their 2 boys last year during Good Friday and I keep thinking about them too. My parents are both fighting off and on as well and I can feel myself pushing both of them away. She's trying to set boundaries with my Dad and my Dad wants her back...I'm doing all my Dad's finances and I'm getting hit from both sides on this and that. I hate feeling stuck in the middle and I hate that I can see both of their sides, but yet I can see other things too. I keep catching myself in white lies to try to cover for the other parent so another fight/argument doesn't start up. I love them both dearly, but this is hard for me. Given the fact too that I don't like confrontation of course neither of them know that I'm upset about anything. I know that's not healthy for me either. Everything was fine ane they were all getting along and I think it was healthy for us kids to see them like that...it really did feel like old times. Then, my Mom took her girlfriend from work to some divorce recovery thing and ever since she thinks she needs to set firm boundaries with my father. Boundaries are fine, but the way she's been going about doing it makes her come across awfully selfish and mean latley. Like I said though, I'm trying my darndest to stay out of the middle. It's just really hard...so I think that's what is really putting a damper on my spirits this Easter season. I think I just need to grasp on to my faith and know that the Lord will see me and my family through.