Giving it ALL to You...

Lord, so much is weighing on me lately.  I went to a retreat at the end of September and came back with a changed mindset.  Listening to those mamas talk and listening to their stories and hearing tidbits that sounded like my own children in the middle of it all...it spoke to me.  One mama said her therapist told her "when you start running your house like an institution, it's time for that child to be IN the institution."  It resonated with me...I cried over it to that mama the next morning...but I realized the truth.  It's ok, if they need to get help somewhere else...I came home with that in my mind.  I shared it with my husband and I also had a big heart-to-heart with my son about it.

I prayed for each and every one of my children, and God gave me each and every one of my children.  I am so thankful for the gift of being Mom and I can only hope and pray that one day each and every one of my children will have a healthy attachment to me and Andy and truly want to be a part of our family.  I want that SO badly.  It's eating me up inside with what we're dealing with and not knowing how to cope with it all.  Josiah comes off that bus and is a ball of anger from the minute he walks into the door until the time he goes to bed.   My head and heart hurt from listening to him squeel because he's not getting his way.  He thinks he is the one in control all of the time...when he's told to do something and he plain and simply doesn't want to...we have a battle of the wills and he rages.  Lord, take the angerness out of this precious little boy.  Heal his hurts and his heart and let him accept our love.

The holidays are coming....my heart doesn't want to deal with it all.  We have company coming in...I don't want to deal with making dinner for everyone, having to push our schedule back and dealing with the effects of that on the kids for dinner, dealing with triggers for having extra people in our house.  The holidays are triggers in of itself for our family.  I'm trying not to be selfish and whatnot, I just wonder sometimes "what are you preparing us for?"  What is in our future?  We find ourselves in the role of being the center of our family...it's something I've always wanted...I just didn't think we'd be in this role until we were grandparents.  I didn't expect that we'd be taking care of our children, parents at times, and siblings at times.  I didn't expect our house to have a revolving front door on it...I struggle with wanting down time with just my husband and having him all to myself...I struggle with feeling lonely...I struggle with not knowing what next step to take with my kids...plain and simply I'm struggling and I feel the weight of things on my shoulders.

I just want all of my kids to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit.  I wish sometimes that we would be asked to do things, instead of "hey, we're coming in and we'll be at your house for thanksgiving" and then "hey, so and so want to see people so they're coming to your house for turkey dinner too."  I wanted to do the holidays low key this year...now we're in this different place and I'm trying to find it within me to do it all...I just don't want my kids to be triggered even more than what the holidays normally bring.  I don't want judgment from people who have chosen not to have kids and have NO clue about what we're dealing with and trying to cope with.  I don't want more drama and I'm scared of it.

I'm struggling with how the kids are behaving at home and struggling in school...I want to help them the best way possible...yet it bothers me that they don't seem to care about how they behave or that they're struggling.  The amount of things around here that are getting broken bothers me.  I realize that they're just material possessions...but it all adds up and I want them to start respecting their things and appreciating what they have.  I want them to care about learning and about doing things the right way...developing morals and a conscience.

I want the kids to start caring how they behave and realizing that they don't have to do every little thing that comes into their brain...that they have a free will and can choose to follow Your commandments and our rules.

I want SO much for them, but most of all I really want them to know You and want to do Your will for their life.  And I want SO badly for all of my kids to have a great relationship with Andy and I and to care about the sibling bonds with each other.  I want a close-knit family that is centered around You, Lord.

I don't want to have to send my kids away to get help...I want to keep them here at home and I want them to want to stay at home.  Please help me to do that.  Help me to break down the barriers and to help them heal.

Also, I pray for my health...please help me get my diabetes back in check...help my knee to continue to heal...give me daily time with You to pray for my family and for my spiritual needs.  Help me with my weight loss.  Help me be thin and healthy again and give me will-power to stick with it.  Amen

Happy Memorial Day!

Happy Memorial day from 4/5 of the kids! I pray for blessings over all of our vets who have served this country and I pray for protection over our military troops and families who are serving our country at this very moment!

4th of July Parade

Deidra rode on the Carlisle float with Grandma. They got 2nd place for best float!



us watching the parade...

Mommy's little firecrackers...

Melina...



Tracie...



Emily...



Josiah showing off his muscle...



Josiah...


I wish that I had one of Deidra but she spent the night with Grandma last night and is doing so again tonight. I did put one up of her in the 4th of July parade though. :-)

4th of July Photo Shoot

Little Melina...not very cooperative...but oh so cute...



Momma's firecrackers...



Melina...



Emily...



Tracie...



Josiah...



Deidra...

Memorial Day

We had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. I was so glad to have 3 days with Andy. We spent a quiet Friday night at home, Deidra spent the night with a friend, we tucked the littles into bed early, and curled up on the couch together and talked and watched a little tv. Saturday, we went to the Y first thing in the morning and then went to some thrift stores and then came home to rest for a bit before Deidra's volleyball game, Tracie had a little incident that I had to run her up to the ER for, but that's a whole other post by itself. We were still able to go to Deidra's volleygame as a family and that made me happy. They lost, but she did great...she got some great saves in and some great serves too. The littles were less than cooperative and so we couldn't watch as best as we wanted to with having to take them out and Melina was fussy with teething and just wanted down to walk and so Andy was out watching from the hallway walking her up and down the hall. Sunday, we weren't able to go to Church as I needed to monitor Tracie, Melina was still on the fussy side too. So, we stayed home and watched Mass on EWTN. Mom called to find out what we were doing and I was battling with Josiah. She came over and helped me with the kids while Andy was at the store and invited us over for hot dogs on the grill and to spend the day at her house as she was going to paint her doors. Well, her doors never got painted with all my kids around, but we had a good time eating hot dogs, potato salad and chips and just being together. Andy napped while Mom and I took the kids outside and let them run through the hose water to cool off. It was fun, but we wore her out. Monday, I got up and made Old Glory trifle to bring to Beth's house for a family picnic at her house. We went over there and it was a full house with 5 adults and 10 children, but it was a good time. Andy's nose had been bugging him all morning, so he wasn't feeling the greatest. I felt bad. :-( He can't take allergy medicine or it just knocks him out (whether's it's non-drowsy or not). But, the food was great and it was fun. The kids had fun splashing in the pool too. They were sad that it was time to come home. We came home and got a few things done, but mostly just rested. I thought a lot about my Grandma and my Mom and wished I could ahve gone to put flowers on their grave, but my Uncle wound up letting me know later that night that he had gone and visited her and put some silk flowers down for her. He told me that graves were really for loved ones left behind, but I guess I'm just sentimental about it. I went and visited their graves when we were back in MI last and put flowers on their graves and I wish I could do that more often. Next time we go back home to visit... Mom called me from work and asked if she could bring some old pictures that she found by to go through with me. They were of me on my first date...the rules in my house was that I couldn't date until I was 16 and only after I went out with my Dad first so that he could show me how boys were to treat girls properly. He took me out to eat (for the life of me I can't remember where we went), but then we went to the Grand Rapids Symphony. Some sweet memories in the photos...there were others too, but it was sweet. It was a great weekend!

New Years

I think we're just an old couple. We went to Red Robin for dinner and then we watched Santa Buddies on NYE with the littles and Melina was really fussy. We finally got her down for bed and the littles went to sleep at 8:30. Deidra tried to make it until midnight. I told Andy around 9 that I was going to take a catnap on the couch. The next thing I know is that I woke up at 1:30 am and Andy was already upstairs in bed and Deidra was sleeping in the recliner. I went to go upstairs and Melina woke up at 2 am to eat. Then, I couldn't get back to sleep. I finally decided to head to bed around 4:30 to see if I could get some more sleep before the littles woke up. And New Years was just a lazy day around the house.

Christmas

We had a quiet Christmas Eve here at home. I talked Andy into taking the kids to Christmas vigil for midnight mass. We ate dinner and then put the kids to bed and then woke them up around 10 pm to get ready. Carols started at 11 pm and then Mass started at midnight. I have to say that the kids behaved wonderfully...even Melina did great with it being so late at night. It was nice to all be there as a family. For the past couple of years Deidra and I just went with my Mom and Jimmie (my brother), so it was nice to have Andy and all the kids there this year. We came home and went to bed and I was the first one up on Christmas morning (6:30 am) and I was so excited to see the kids faces when they opened up their presents that I wanted to go wake them up. Everybody finally woke up a little after 7. The kids were excited about their presents and they were thrilled that they finally got a trampoline! Now to find a weekend where the weather is decent to assemble it. :-) Melina loved the wrapping paper and the bows and it didn't take her long to figure out what she was supposed to do...we still had to help her, but she was doing it by herself a bit too. So precious to watch her and she really loved her presents. She got a baby doll that says "I love you" and makes kiss noises and Melina was giving her kisses back. It was too sweet to watch her.

Mom, Jimmie, and Zach came over around 3 pm and we ate a birthday ice cream cake for Jesus' birthday. We all sang happy birthday to Jesus and ate cake (even Melina). We opened presents together and just spent some time talking and celebrating. It was fun! Low-key this year since we normally have them over for dinner, but Mom didn't want to put that expense on us and she didn't feel like cooking a big dinner herself this year, so she just said for us to go ahead and eat and they'd do their own thing. I felt bad later when Jimmie and I ran to the gas station for soda and Jimmie said that all they had was grilled cheese. We had made a ham and scalloped potatoes and green bean casserole and corn. We were going to make stuffing too, but we forgot. Granted, we made our meal from scratch on Thanskgiving and everything came out of a box for Christmas, but now I wish I would have just insisted that they come over for dinner too. Next year, we'll have to get back to doing that. Overall,it was a great Christmas!

Contemplating

Thank you, God, for the beautiful gift of Jesus. Thank you, Mary, for saying yes to God's will. I've sat holding Melina quite a bit this season just looking at her and wondering what Mary must have gone through and how scared she must have been to not have been married and to be asked to be Jesus' mother...yet she still said yes to God's will. I wonder what it must have been like to give birth in a barn with Joseph and the animals and to hold Jesus in your arms...just knowing that He was God's son. I've sat with tears rolling down my face contemplating all that while looking at Melina and holding her in my arms while rocking her. So, thank you, Dear Mother, for saying yes to God's will. Please help me to be the best mother than I can be to my children as you were to Jesus. I know that I will never be the perfect mother, but I will do the best that I can by my children with God's continual graces and all of your prayers for our family.

Christmas

It's been hard for me to get into the spirit this year. I knew I didn't really want this to be a big Christmas this year. The kids have been spoiled with tons of gifts for the past few years from the foster care system, the Angel tree, family, and friends. They would be thrilled with a gift, move on to the next one, throw a fit over not having another, and then ask for more. This year, I just wanted it to be simple..focus on what the meaning of Christmas really is,and get them a few things. We got them a trampoline as a big gift for all of them. Then, they each made lists for Santa for what they wanted. It got to be where they couldn't see a commercial or walk into the store this year without them fighting saying "I want that...and then they would promptly start arguing about who was getting what color or what character." I've had lots of talks with them about what they have, and that their lists have been prepared and we just had to see what they got, but most of all it was important to be thankful for what they have and what Christmas would bring. I divided their Christmas lists among us, and all 4 of the grandparents, and a couple other family members that send gifts every year. Andy and I bought each child 1 thing that they wanted off their list, something to read, 2 sets of pajamas, and 2 puzzles and some educational stuff for each of them. It's not going to be as much as they normally get, but hopefully they will still enjoy their Christmas this year.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe we're in 2010. I fell asleep last night and woke up 20 minutes before it was time to ring in the New Year. Then, I went back to sleep and woke up shortly after that and couldn't fall back asleep. I tossed and turned on the couch last night because it was too hot upstairs in our room. Not feeling too great this morning...I have some sinus crap going on and my neck is hurting along with my ears. Deidra had her own NYE party with the girls down the street. Made me a bit sad, but I was happy that she's having so much fun.

I can't wait to see this year unfold. The girls adoption will probably be in Jan/Feb and then we welcome our new baby girl in May. Wow!

Hubby made me laugh this morning. He said he's kind of disappointed with society with it being 2010. I asked him why and he said he thought we'd be further in technology than we are and more futuristic. He wants his flying cars. ;-) I thought it was cute.

Didn't make any resolutions this year. Just want to work on my prayer life and praying more for my family and friends. Keeping my marriage and my children covered in prayer.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was very nice. Started the day off with a bad run-in with the top of the pumpkin lid when I was trying to open it and thought I was going to need stitches. That got Andy out of bed quickly at 5 am. lol. It was a bad cut and I can't do much or it starts bleeding again, but thankfully it wasn't bad enough to require stitches. Never had stitches and didn't want to start now. After baking some bread and some pies, I went to mass and it was beautiful. I love our new priest so much. He does such beautiful homilies and such nice blessings. Came home and got the littles dressed for the day and Andy and I planned out what time we were going to start everything. Mom and Jimmie came over around 1. Mom brought mac and cheese and we made turkey, cranberry apple sausage stuffing (first time I made homemade stuffing and Andy said it needs to be a new tradition, he enjoyed it that much), mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkin bread, and green bean casserole and corn. Dessert was fudge pie, pumpkin cheesecake, and tropical cake. So yummy! My brother, Zach, even showed up for dinner, but he didn't stay long. This was the first family function that he's been at in quite a few years though, so it's a start. Andy started not feeling well after dinner, so he took a nap and Mom and I watched UP with the kids and she played baby dolls with them. After everyone got up, we did a small bible study with Mom, Deidra and I. We just went over Psalm 27:1-5 and we kept talking about what certain things meant to us and how we could relate in our lives so we didn't get super far, but it was beneficial to all of us anyway. Mom took Deidra home with her to spend the night since she was off today and Andy and I really enjoyed one another's company yesterday. It was a really nice day!

We talked a little bit about what we were all thankful for in the morning...

Josiah is thankful for family.
Little E is thankful for our dog.
Deidra is thankful for her PS2.
Baby T is thankful for Mommy and Daddy.
I am thankful for my family, my husband, my children, this baby on the way, my parents, my brothers.
Andy told me yesterday that he was very thankful that I was his wife. Awww!

Christmas

Our family had a very blessed Christmas. I took Deidra with me to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and it was absolutely beautiful. She slept through about 90% of it, but it was still nice to have her with me. I also saw an old friend that I used to work with and it was great to see him too. We talked for a bit afterwards and he went and said hello to my Mom and prayed with her for a bit and I think that did her good too. It was really nice to see him again as I hadn't seen him since last Christmas. We came home and I got Deidra settled in bed and then I went to bed myself as it was already almost 2 am. We were up at 7:30 to see what Santa had brought. The kids were definitely spoiled and very blessed in all their gifts. Deidra got a Playstation 2 (it was my brothers but he just upgraded to an XBOX 360) and we all got her a ton of games to play. Besides our new living room furniture, Andy got me an iced tea maker that I had been wanting and a double stroller (the sit and stand) so now I can actually get out with all the kids and do stuff when I want to now rather than worrying about the kids all running in different directions. I got Andy some spicy hot sauce to make chili with (it was a set of 3 as he's been on a hot kick lately), 2 beer kits, and some playstation 2 games. The kids all were definitely spoiled...lots of play stuff...they got a new kitchen, cottage, tent, and shopping carts, play food, tea sets, new bikes, puzzles, craft stuff, dolls, toys galore...my brother got me a pear bath set, a Christmas card that literally brought tears to my eyes, and my Mom got me some outdoor chairs, a book (The Shack), a picture frame for above our mantle, and some fridge magnets and a kitchen cooking tile. It was a beautiful Christmas...dinner was good. Mom and I took a long walk afterwards and I enjoyed the time I spent with her. It was a beautiful day.

My goodness...

I am trying my hardest to get ready for Christmas. I went out today and picked up most of Deidra's gifts...man is she hard to buy for this year! The wants of electronics have hit! And she has expensive wants at that. Anyway, I got a gift for Andy and then got stumped. My Mom and brothers haven't given me any ideas yet either. We're sending out Texas themed baskets for the people out of state. I just can't believe that Christmas is 2 weeks away. I got my Christmas cards, am printing out photos tonight and will work on those this weekend so I can mail them on Monday. I missed getting address labels (I usually order them on ebay), but may see if Andy can make some up for me with his graphical talents.

The kids came home from MDO and I was trying to get in the CHristmas mood by turning the tree on (Baby T is SCARED of it), turning the Christmas music on (Baby J gets mad) and I have a holly berry candle burning. I had a bunch of boxes of gifts delivered today by the post office and UPS and they're sitting in the play room. I need to go rearrange my closet so I have a place to put all this stuff. Sunday, we have to go get Baby J's gift from his county. Then, next week we'll be getting the girl's gifts from their CPS office. We'll be getting a call from our agency at the end of the week to come pick up our gifts for all the kids. And then when Baby J's CPS worker comes out, she'll be bringing out all his gifts. So, I definitely have to make room this weekend. I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to get clothes out of my closet once all the gifts are in there.

Thanksgiving drama...

Well, we went to my Mom's and made it through 15 minutes before Andy made a joke and my Mom took it the wrong way. It hurt his feelings when she snapped at him, he walked outside, I came back in after going to check on him and my Mom and I got into it. I walked back outside and told Andy to go get our stuff and that we were leaving. He walked in to try and let her know that he was just making a joke and that he didn't mean anything by it and she kept going saying that he's being sarcastic and she doesn't like sarcasm. I started walking stuff outside to our van and he brought the rest of the stuff out apologizing that if he would have known that he was going to start something he would have kept his mouth shut. I walked back inside to tell her good-bye and she blew up at me and said that I'm always sticking up for him. I told her "you're my Mom, I love you, but he's my husband and I love him too and he didn't mean anything by it." She just looked at me and said "well, good-bye." I turned around and left. I cried all the way to Wal-mart to go get some stuff to try to salvage Thanksgiving for the kids. We're all starving...not the Thanksgiving dinner we planned on having today...but I think we're just destined to spend the holidays with just our family from now on. This makes 2 out of 3 Thanksgivings that the day has turned out badly with them fighting. Andy feels like he can't say anything around her anymore and that she just doesn't like him. Then she comes over and gets upset because he's too quiet and won't say anything around her. I don't know how to make her see that is just his humour and it's all innocent. I don't know he's still all in shock about what happened and feels bad and I feel stuck in the middle and really don't know what to do.

I have so much to do...

I have so much to do and I just don't have the gumption to do anything. My hubby was really sweet and cleaned the house, did some laundry, and did the kiddo duties while I was out with my Mom for awhile yesterday. The girls had speech therapy this morning. I've played with the kids, played with the rats, checked my email, and I should do some digiscrapping so I can get the kids lifebooks up to date, but I don't feel like doing anything. I need to get the kids some lunch, change some diapers, and get some stuff together before I go get Deidra from school, go get our reimbursement check, run to the bank, and then get back home to get ready for our foster parent association's thanksgiving dinner tonight. Then, I need to run to Wal-mart later to order Deidra's Littlest Pet Shop cake for her birthday tomorrow. My baby is going to be 8 tomorrow!

I was so nervous for nothing...

We got together with Matt (my ex's twin brother) and his family this weekend as well as Jennifer, another girl we went to high school with. Jennifer was already there when we got there and once we got there I immediately got over being nervous and felt right at home. Matt was still Matt and his wife, Andrea, was a total sweetheart. His kids were adorable and our kids had a ton of fun playing with them. We were going to picnic at the park but it was raining, so we spent the day at their apartment and then went to watch fireworks. The girls had to go to the bathroom so Andy missed seeing the fireworks while he was gone with the girls. Matt and I chatted for awhile since we both had kid duty while his wife and Jennifer walked around to find something to drink. After fireworks were over, we waited for Andy to get back with the girls and then decided we better head to our hotel to check in. We made plans with Matt to get together in the morning. We all went to sleep and got up around 9 this morning and headed to Whataburger for breakfast. I called Matt to let him know we were on our way and when we got there we discovered Jennifer had already left. I guess she got a call from her cousin at like 1 in the morning and decided she was going to head over there. So, we hung out and decided to take the kids to the park for a picnic. We chatted and chatted and chatted and I caught up with Matt's family and how they were all doing and I learned more about Andrea and how they all met and knew one another. After the picnic, we decided we better get headed for home and Andrea let us know we could all head back to their apartment so we could get the kids all ready for the ride home instead of trying to get them to the port-a-potties at the park. So, we went back to their apartment and changed the kids and had the girls go to the bathroom. Matt's kids came and gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye and they're talking about coming up to visit us in the next couple of weeks. Andrea gave me a hug and told me how it was nice to finally get to meet me after hearing all about me all this time (hopefully good things) and Matt gave me a hug and told me how nice it was to see me again and that they'd try to get up here to visit sometime around the end of the month. It was a lot of fun catching up and we all enjoyed ourselves. I don't think my ex is all that happily married from some stories that I heard, but hopefully it will get better for him as his kids get older (they have a little boy who just turned 3 and twins (b/g) that just turned 2. It was an interesting weekend, and I can't wait until we all get together again. I have to get pics from his wife as our camera battery died.

Give Thanks

I used Marcee Duggar's Give Thanks freebie and the turkey is from scrapbook flair.

4th of July

I used PJ's Thoughts of Randomness Americana Freebie for this one.

4th of July Parade

I used a Liberty kit from Amy W for this one.