Josiah and Therapy

We had attachment therapy last week Thursday.  We talked with her about what we've been going through with Josiah.  He's really been out-of-control lately with agression, constantly wanting control and when something doesn't go his way we're having to deal with an all out tantrum.  I've video taped some of them just to document what he's been doing in case we have to take him to Children's.  She wound up telling us that she thinks it's nearing the time to put him in a placement to further drive home that there's consequences for his actions.  That was really hard for me to hear.  I'm fighting it as I don't want it to come to the fact that he may have to go out of state for a year or longer.  He's my little boy and I want to keep him home with us. Andy told her that we had been thinking about hiring in some extra hands.  She thinks that if we're going to try to keep him in the home that would be a smart idea so that everyone is supervised and get some attention that they need.  She brought Josiah in and talked to him about his behavior and told him that if he didn't shape up that we were going to not have a choice, but to put him with another family to get him the help that he needs for awhile.  He didn't like that.  She asked him who Daddy's favorite person was and he pointed to himself.  She told him "no, who has Daddy been with the longest?"  He again pointed to himself.  She told him that Mommy and Daddy started a family together long before any of our children were around.  He didn't like that at all and you could see how angry he was becoming.  She told him that he was being mean to Daddy's favorite person who he loved very much and that didn't make Daddy happy.  She finally asked him what was making him so angry and he didn't say anything.  Her and I both were on the same page though...he was mad that it wasn't all about him...he wasn't center-stage.  That's always a trigger for him.  She could see that he was about ready to lash out and start punching someone so she wanted Andy to drive him home separately and have a talk about how Mommy was the love of his life and that he needed to be good to me and that if his behavior didn't change that he was going to have to be put somewhere else to get him help.  She told me that if we were going to try to keep him in our home, that I needed to step up the paper trail and she told me that when he does "x, y, and z" that I needed to take him up to Children's to see the psych dept.  I was having a really hard time wrapping my mind around everything and was really dealing with alot of emotions.

Friday, the morning started out really rough...he was getting upset over really little things and he was banging and kicking everything and just trying to be destructive.  He picked out clothes and then refused to put them on, trying to get out of taking his meds, banging the furniture into the walls.  He finally refused to put his new clothes on and so I told him that he couldn't do that in front of his sisters and he was going to have to go to his room until he wanted to make the right choice.  He wound up peeing in his pull-up and then ripping the pull-up off and throwing the fluff all over his floor.  Once he saw that he was going to have to clean up his mess, thankfully he did it.  After that, he decided to pull it together for the rest of the day.  He tried to be helpful and he had a willingness to do what was asked of him. after lunch he came up to me and started to cry and told me that he was sorry for doing all sorts of bad stuff.  He sat on my lap and rested his head on my chest and let me soothe him and hold him and love on him.  He hasn't let me do that stuff in years.  I held him and he fell asleep on my chest and we just stayed that way.  I cried and prayed and thanked God for giving me those moments with him.  I spent the rest of that day just cuddling and loving on my kids and trying to process my emotions.  I knew one thing for sure though...I feel God telling me to keep Josiah here with us.  I felt God telling me to hang in there and that He is working in our lives.

Saturday, we went to see the dr. for neurofeedback therapy.  He said that he could see that things were triggering Josiah every few minutes, but that he was trying his best to hang in there.  After he did 8 reps, he told me that he wanted ice cream for his treat.  I told him that it was just morning and we didn't get ice cream for treats in the morning, but we could go to the restaurant that he picked and get breakfast on the way home.  The dr honestly thought we were going to deal with a major meltdown.  Instead, Josiah, let out a big growl and sigh and he pressed forward.  Wow!  I told him that I think it scared him when we had the talk with him about having to go somewhere if his behavior didn't change.  We talked about a lot of things and he told me that he knew that was such a big decision to make and the parents struggle with a lot of guilt, but that he was trying to help us with neurofeedback and we added the emotional component to it so that he hopefully could get a handle on better dealing with what was triggering him.  He also told me that he ws surprised that with the dr even sitting beside him in a position of authority that he was still continuing to disobey.  I told him that's him every 5 minutes.  He doesn't like boundaries, rules, told what to do, not being first.  None of that stuff.  He told me "God is with you, God sees, God will help you."  I told him what was concerning the dr with safety for all of us and that I still don't really think that he's doing it all to hurt everyone...sometimes he is, but sometimes he doesn't think it through, he just acts on his anger.  He's never known any fear or his own strength, but I see the drs concerns too and I will act on those as well just so that I make sure all the bases are covered.  I also sent an email to his psychiatrist with his behaviors as well and wanting to make sure that it's not a medication issue that could be causing them.  He did well for the rest of Saturday and Sunday.

Here it is Monday morning, he still is having a lot of anger issues and he's trying to test boundaries.  However, he's not having all out temper tantrums.  He's growling and letting out screams here and there, but he's trying to hold it together.  That's progress and I am so thankful for that.

Lord, thank you for giving us this team of drs to support us as we go through the process of trying to help Josiah.  Thank you for healing Josiah and I know that You will continue to do so with every therapy session that he has.  Amen