Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was very nice. Started the day off with a bad run-in with the top of the pumpkin lid when I was trying to open it and thought I was going to need stitches. That got Andy out of bed quickly at 5 am. lol. It was a bad cut and I can't do much or it starts bleeding again, but thankfully it wasn't bad enough to require stitches. Never had stitches and didn't want to start now. After baking some bread and some pies, I went to mass and it was beautiful. I love our new priest so much. He does such beautiful homilies and such nice blessings. Came home and got the littles dressed for the day and Andy and I planned out what time we were going to start everything. Mom and Jimmie came over around 1. Mom brought mac and cheese and we made turkey, cranberry apple sausage stuffing (first time I made homemade stuffing and Andy said it needs to be a new tradition, he enjoyed it that much), mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkin bread, and green bean casserole and corn. Dessert was fudge pie, pumpkin cheesecake, and tropical cake. So yummy! My brother, Zach, even showed up for dinner, but he didn't stay long. This was the first family function that he's been at in quite a few years though, so it's a start. Andy started not feeling well after dinner, so he took a nap and Mom and I watched UP with the kids and she played baby dolls with them. After everyone got up, we did a small bible study with Mom, Deidra and I. We just went over Psalm 27:1-5 and we kept talking about what certain things meant to us and how we could relate in our lives so we didn't get super far, but it was beneficial to all of us anyway. Mom took Deidra home with her to spend the night since she was off today and Andy and I really enjoyed one another's company yesterday. It was a really nice day!

We talked a little bit about what we were all thankful for in the morning...

Josiah is thankful for family.
Little E is thankful for our dog.
Deidra is thankful for her PS2.
Baby T is thankful for Mommy and Daddy.
I am thankful for my family, my husband, my children, this baby on the way, my parents, my brothers.
Andy told me yesterday that he was very thankful that I was his wife. Awww!

A Blessing from a Stranger...

I know that our families/friends don't always understand our desire for having all the children that we have and we get some comments from time to time. Add in all the extra ups and downs that go with foster care and I feel a bit stressed from time to time. Granted, I am very sensitive and I let little things get to me as well that I really shouldn't. Anyway, I dealt with some comments over the weekend and while it hurt at the time, I had a sense of peace come over me at the same time. I had to understand why this person felt the way that they do. I chose to let it go and walk away and I put it into God's hands. When I left church over the weekend, the bulletin was covered with pics of Jesus surrounded by children and that so spoke to me. I know this is our calling and we want what is best for our children.

I went to the gas station yesterday and as I was filling up my van this man says to me "wow, you've got 3 little ones in there." I said "yup, and we just took my daughter to school." He says "my hat is off to you, I know you're busy." I nodded. He said "I bet you don't have any trouble falling asleep at night either huh?" I laughed and said "not at all." He then went on to tell me that he had 7 children...he said he had to do put a load of laundry in before bed each night and he folded it in the morning when he got up and he put in another load before he took the kids to school and then he folded that load when they got home and the cycle repeated itself. I laughed as I totally knew what he meant. It seems like our laundry is never-ending with 6 people. We traded stories while we finished filling up our vehicles and he said "your busy with this many kids, but the Lord sees your efforts and you will be rewarded." The Lord speaks through many people and I felt that he chose that person to speak to me. It more than made up for any negative comment that I had received this weekend and it brought a smile to my face. Thank you Lord for an unexpected blessing. Please continue to bless our family. I ask for blessings for that man and his family as well.

My sweet little girl...

Deidra was helping me do some cleaning and so forth yesterday and she was helping to keep the girls occupied off and on while I did some things with the other kids. I kept telling her she didn't have to, but she insisted that she wanted to help. When I put the younger ones down for a nap, it was just Deidra, Little E, and I that were up. Little E went to play in the play room and I sat down to check some email from my caseworker. Deidra went in the kitchen to get a snack and she came out with a glass of diet coke for me. She said "here, Mommy, you've been taking care of us all day, I thought someone needed to help take care of you." My jaw could have hit the floor and I instantly got teary eyed. I just hugged her. What a sweet daughter I have!

However, she did inform my Mom last night that she didn't want kids of her own one day. I asked her why and she said "Mom, they are SO much work." lol Last week she wanted 2 kids and that was it. So, I guess time will tell!

Need a Mommy Time Out

Well, I need to get out of the house for a bit tonight. I need some non-mommy time without someone wanting me to hold them or whine at me because I won't let them do something. I'm finding my patience running thin...so I know I need some time out. So...I told Andy that I was going to go out and finish up the boys clothing shopping for the month. This morning, I had the thought of asking Deidra if she wanted to go with me. She does! So, I told her we'd get her Halloween costume too since I already bought the boys. Anyway, she's really excited. We're trying to spend some one on one time with her each week so she doesn't feel left out with all the fosterkids as the boys do take up a lot of my time. So, it'll be fun. And I plan on taking a bath tonight as well. I can't believe that I haven't done that yet. I'm still having issues with not feeling the greatest. Even Andy commented last night on how I'm not eating or drinking much lately. It just doesn't sit well in my stomach once I do. Anyway, I just feel exhausted. I tried to lay down for a bit while Baby J was napping. Baby D was laying on the couch by me watching tv, but every time I managed to try to doze off he'd have to tell me what he saw on tv. Then, he tried to go upstairs to wake Baby J up and so I had to run after him. Finally, I realized that it just wasn't going to work and so I got up. UGH!

Busy Busy...Busy Bee!

So, the latest news is that our home is on temporary hold until we get our fire inspection and environmental inspection done. We have to submit new disaster plans, get pictures of the house submitted, and turn in our room dimensions and mark which rooms are used for the children. It doesn't sound like a lot, but on top of normal every day stuff, trying to unpack, taking care of the kids and helping Deidra with homework and stuff once she gets home, and doctor visits and caseworker visits I can just feel the stress. Not to mention both boys have had their fair share of temper tantrums the past couple of days and I'm still not totally feeling 100%. But, things are slowly getting done and I finally told myself that the house doesn't have to look perfect for the inspections....just as long as what the inspections are for are taken care of. I'm not super happy about that...I like things to look nice when people come over and I stress out over it at times, but I'm just going to have to deal with it.

My caseworker stopped over today to drop off some gift certificates and she said that if we can get the fire inspection done asap, it will take us off of being on hold sooner and she could come out early next week and do the home study update so we can get Little J moved in. So, I've left messages for the inspectors so hopefully someone calls me back soon. I'm hoping to have them come out tomorrow so that we can get my caseworker back out here on Monday. I'd like to have Little J here for Halloweeen.

Now, I'm going to go unload the dishwasher and switch some laundry around, run and grab Deidra from school, and then get back here to do her homework and get some more unpacking done. Then once Andy gets home, we'll eat dinner and I'm going to make a run to Wal-mart for some things that I need to put in place from our quarterly monitoring...protective covers for the cribs/beds, toothbrush covers, and thermometers for the fridge/freezer. Then, I have to get some clothes for the boys now that the temps have finally started to get cooler. I may look for a few things for Deidra too, although I've been buying a lot for her with clearance sales and whatnot lately. But, I may look for some more jeans, skirts and dresses for her since she could use some of those. I need to get a welcome mat for the house too as well as a rug for the entry way.

Lord, Give me some extra patience...

My patience is running thin. Baby D has been grumpy all day long and I am so tired of asking him to do something and him yelling no. I tell him that he can't do something and he's been throwing temper tantrums. I'm making our meals and he's whining at me constantly for the cookies...not until you finish your food. Noooo!

Baby J has been tired all day, yet he won't go down for a nap. I've tried several times to no avail. He just cries in his crib.

We have training tonight up at the agency and it's going way past their bedtimes and J already gets crabby before his bedtime, I don't know what he's going to do when he's been a crab all day.

Deidra came home from school with Miss Attitude. Homework was a fight. She got put in time out for her attitude. She finally came back to finish it. She decided to make a mess in her room after she got in trouble for something else and I told her to clean it. She came out in the kitchen mad about something, grabbed a bottle she thought was empty and of course didn't have the cap on it and it went all over the floor. I had to take a time out after that happened. I told her to clean it up and I went in my room. When I felt myself calm down, I came out and she was cleaning it up and saying sorry over and over. I know it was an accident for the most part, but I'm so tired of her not paying attention.

I made the boys dinner since the agency is feeding the older kids and the adults and I went to help Baby D eat some of his soup. He spit the green beans out of his mouth and threw them onto the floor. I don't know how many times I've told him not to do that. I turned around to feed J and D had thrown all of his food on the floor while I had my back to him. I made him get down and pick them up.

I went to get the boys a bath and Deidra knocked the baby gate down and so D was running all over the house, getting into her room. She of course threw a fit, but I couldn't do anything with J in the tub. So, she was yelling that he was getting into her stuff...I got J finished up and in to get a new diaper and clean clothes on and then had to deal with getting the baby gate back up.

I tried to get J to nap again while I got D in the tub. They were both screaming. Got D finished up and dressed and then I went to get J out as he was NOT going to go to bed. His little arms just clamped themselves right around my neck and he just cuddled up to me. I held him for awhile and he wouldn't let me put him down.

The house is a disaster and I wanted to try to get it cleaned up a little bit so I had to set him in his playpen for a little bit so I could clean without him undoing what I had done and he just screamed and screamed. D got into trouble and I had to put him in time out.

Finally, I decided that I was going to come on here and journal and the boys have started to play. Deidra fell asleep on the couch. Andy should be home any minute, thank goodness.

As much as I think trainings are boring, I'm looking forward to being kid-free for the 3 hours of training and getting some time to myself for a bit. I guess since things have calmed down, I'll go try to clean up.

Playgroup

Well, I joined a playgroup down here that just pretty much started a couple of weeks ago. A lot of people are new to the area from other states. I'm pretty excited to meet other people and they're great about scheduling weekly activities not only for us moms and the kids, but they plan mommy nights out too so we can get out by ourselves. I think it will be good for me, although I'm definitely out of my comfort zone since I'm so shy around people I don't know all that well or whom I have never met before. We're going to our first outing tomorrow (feeding the ducks at the park).

Busy Bees...

Well, I can't ever say that I'm bored...things are busy around here. While I will admit that there are times that I do get stressed or overwhelmed with everything going on and trying to remember this or that...Andy helped me figure out a better system to keep track of schedules, paperwork, and all that stuff. Thank you honey! But most of the time, yes we're busy...but it's a good busy. I can't believe how much these 2 boys have already taken up space in my heart and how much I worry for them. E just left about an hour ago for his visit with his Mom...and I so hope that she shows up today for his sake. I remember how I felt for him last week when she didn't show up. I was worrying for him already this morning when we were getting him ready to go. He woke up this morning before the rest of the kids did and I got to spend some one on one with him giving him hugs and kisses and letting him sit on my lap. He doesn't like to sit all that much, but it was nice to have that time with him. He's eating a bit better for us too so that is good...he could use some more weight. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent of where I didn't intend this e-mail to go. Let's try to get back on track...

Anyway, last week was stressful with Andy gone. I'm looking forward to this week with my Rew back. We don't have that many appts to deal with this week either and I'm hoping it stays that way. Last week, we had something going on almost every day. I worry when we have people coming in and out of the house and I stress myself out trying to make sure that the house looks presentable. I try my hardest to clean up when the boys are napping and E is great with helping to pick up toys. J is learning by watching E and D will help too but it takes a few times of asking her before she'll really get in there and help and most of the time she whines about it also while she's doing it. I cannot wait until we get into our new house and we will have so much more space. This is the biggest problem here is that things aren't dirty...but it's definitely cluttered and I try my hardest to make sure that it gets decluttered daily...but it goes right back to that state. Easy enough with 3 kids running around.

We got a new caseworker today. We met her before and she came out with our other caseworker to do the home visit and she seems really nice. We've been blessed with 2 great caseworkers. It's nice to try and learn my way along the paperwork side of things along with someone else who is also learning. :-) Anyway, she's coming out to do a home visit tomorrow. I was hoping that the rest of the week would sort of be free time...but the visit shouldn't last too long.

Deidra is having a hard time too with not being the center of attention. She just hears the word "caseworker" and has started to act up...which stresses me out too. I think she needs to get back around the big kids to help pull her out of this regression. She takes her big sister role very seriously and loves to help and play with the babies, but she also likes to use sippy cups and baby spoons and stuff again too. So, we are going to put her back into her old summer daycare at the Montessouri school for 1-2 days a week again until school starts. They have big kid activities (swimming at the Y, movie day at the theater, VBS, pizza at CiCi's, and they go on a couple field trips) and I think she needs that too. It's hard for me to get out of the house a whole lot with 2 babies (we need a double stroller badly) unless we're going to the store and I can strap them both in the cart. Otherwise we don't leave the house until I have Andy or my Mom to go with us somewhere and I have an extra set of hands. I don't want her to get bored or not be able to enjoy her summer vacation. There are a few things that we are talking about doing as a family that will be fun, but she needs to be able to enjoy doing big kid things too. We did just join a Mom's club for our county that is brand new, but we haven't been able to go to anything just yet. They're having a park day, but I can't bring the babies to that by myself with them running in opposite directions in a wide open space. They have a restaurant day in another week with an inside play place and I think I will bring them to that as that's a confined space. That's my biggest challenge right now is to try and figure out how to bring them all to these things...I know it's just going to take time.

Ever feel like you've just stepped into a tornado?

The transition from 1-2 children really didn't phase me much...although it did take me about a week or so to get used to his schedule. The transiton from 2-3 has been a tad overwhelming, especially with the babies only being 5 months apart in ages. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of everything, their therapy appoints started and Andy went out of state. I do fine when it's me and the kiddos at home. I'm getting a schedule of how to do everything. It's when you start adding in worker visits, therapy appointments here at home that they want you participating in, doctor appointments, stuff out of the house that we have to go to that I start majorly stressing and feeling overwhelmed. It's hard to focus on that 4th dimension (whatever it may be) when I'm chasing 2 babies around the house, trying to keep E from bullying the other ones, and trying to keep everything flowing nicely and yet I have to focus on some other thing that is going on here. Not to mention, that usually they're here when it's the kiddos nap time and they get into everything they're not supposed to when they're tired way more than normal.

Tuesday went fine...that was our free day and we just played around the house. When the kids napped, I used that as my down time and I stayed up way late after everyone went to bed to have some time for me since Andy was gone and couldn't give me a break.

I'm learning that Wednesdays are my rough days...not sure why...not sure if it's just because that's the half way point through the week or what. But, it's been a hard day to get through for whatever reason. Anyway, Deidra was feeling out of sorts (probably because Andy was out of state and that was a change in her routine), we had the therapy coming out for a major appointment, I was trying to get in the shower and the house cleaned during the boys morning nap time, they didn't want to go to sleep. I asked for her help in cleaning up the toys and she was fighting me on everything. She destroyed her room and I had to put her in time out until she cleaned it. Daddy called in the middle of her tantrum, asked to talk to her, and she willingly cleaned everything up then...which tells me she was desperately missing Daddy. The therapy people got here, she was wanting attention to and to be included, I was answering a zillion questions, trying to keep the boys out of everything, Deidra and E wound up getting into it and that was so unlike her...normally she's so patient with him. I think she's just tired of getting bit and her hair pulled. But, she was too agressive with him. Anyway, after they left I wound up putting the boys down for a nap and I told her that I needed to have a serious talk with her. I told her that she is in no way to ever put her hands on the children again, there are serious rules about this stuff, and that she wouldn't be going to gymnastics or to the play place to play and that we would be staying home until she could get her behavior back on the good side whether Daddy was here or not. Talk about majorly stressing me out. I worried all night about it.

Thursday morning, I knew that the end was in sight as Andy got home later that night. However, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the dentist appt with all 3 kids by myself and that was worrying me. We still don't have a double stroller and the waiting room there is like a shoe box. Anyway, I was still worrying about the incident between E and Deidra and I wanted my caseworkers opinion about it all so I called him to talk to him about it. Deidra woke up crying and asked if we were going to have to give the kids back because of her. I spent the morning trying to comfort her with her kept saying that she was sorry. I knew she didn't hurt him, but I just kept trying to tell her that if he did anything that she just had to keep telling Mommy so that Mommy could deal with it. I try to get to him when I see that look in his eyes to reiterate the nice behavior but I can't see everything. Not to mention that sometimes he barely touches her and she freaks and it's hard to tell what really happened. It's come down to now that I have to check for bite marks and he's got her good a couple of times. Anyway, the caseworker reassured me that these things are going to happen with their ages...they understand that, but that we really have to reiterate with Deidra that she cannot touch them or that will eventually get us in trouble if it keeps happening. It's only happened the one time and she feels immensely bad about it, so I don't really foresee it happening. She didn't really understand about the rules before now either (other than me telling her not to do anything back to him when he first did that stuff to her and she never really tried. Anyway, I found out a good thing with E to try for when he does the "bully" behavior. He can sit in time out forever and it doesn't phase him (he's still in the living room with the other kids). However, I started putting him in the playpen in his room for 3 minutes and he hates being alone. Then, I go back to get him, tell him that if he can play nice then he can come out and play, and I take him to the kid that he has hurt and make him give him a hug. When he does nice behavior I have also started to really play it up by telling him what a good boy that he's being and we all clap for him. It seemed to work much better and I think he is slowly getting it. Being in the car is a whole other story though...I still have to think of ideas for that one. We really need to get a van and then it will be a non-issue because he won't be able to reach anyone.

Anyway, we survived the dentist appt. I put J in the stroller since he was the only one who didn't have an appt. D and E played...well E got into everything he wasn't supposed to. I had paperwork to fill out on D and E and it was horrible trying to fill it out with him running and getting into everything. It took me a half an hour to get E's paperwork done before they could see him. Then, his appt was literally 2 seconds. I was hoping for a reprieve while they cleaned his teeth to be able to get Deidra's done without having to keep an eye on E at the same time. They took D back while I was doing hers and I literally just finished it about 5-10 minutes before her appt was done. However, things did quiet down once I was actually able to concentrate on both boys and didn't have that dreaded paperwork to try and get done. Both kids had good appts and nothing wrong with any of their teeth. We wound up going to McDonalds afterwards because they got free french fry coupons from the dentist along with their new toothbrushes. We came home to eat and then I had to take them all to a training up at the agency that we had to go to on SIDS and Shaken Baby Syndrome. That gave me an hour to myself to wind down a little bit. I was able to talk to our caseworker again and I felt a lot better about everything. I went and picked up the kids from the rec room after training and then we had to run to the store for more milk. Got home and got the kids ready for bed, in their jammies and gave them their medicines, and put them down to sleep. Deidra asked to stay up to see Daddy since he was supposed to be landing soon and I told her that she could cuddle with me on the couch. There turned out to be a major delay in his flight though...I was worrying about why he didn't call and then Andy's dad wound up calling me asking if I had heard anything from Andy and when I said that I hadn't he informed me that the flights out of NY were delayed due to weather. He wound up landing shortly after 10:30 although he never made it home till shortly after 1 am. I was just relieved that he was finally home.

All I know is that it's hard work taking care of 3 kiddos with no break and I don't want to be a single parent ever. I hope Andy won't have to go out of town for work anytime soon either.

Thank you, Abba, for surrounding us with your protection while he was gone and for seeing us through this week.

How exhausting...

Poor E woke up from his nap around 5. He was a little fussy when I got him up and just thought that he needed some time to wake up. I picked him up to cuddle him and he fell asleep on my shoulder. I went to sit him down on the couch and his cheeks looked a bit rosy and he felt a little warm. I wasn't sure if he wasn't feeling well or if it was just because he had been covered up with his blanket for his nap, when all of a sudden he vomits everywhere. He continued to vomit an awful lot in only a matter of minutes and then got very listless. So, I decided that I needed to take him to the ER to make sure he was alright. We sat in the ER for probably 3 hours and he continued to scream and scream and vomit and vomit. I bet you that poor baby threw up at least 20 times in 3 hours. He was covered in it, I was covered in it. But wouldn't you know when we got called back, that he finally stopped. Turns out he has a very very bad ear infection, which is odd to me because he had tubes put in at the end of March and I just had him at the doctors on Tuesday and they noted that both of his ears were draining and didn't look good and they put him on ear drops then. Anyway, he wound up having to get a shot and they gave him some motrin and he was doing a lot better. They gave him a couple popsicles to make sure he could keep them down and him and J ate a bunch of those little gerber puffs.

I called my Mom to ask her what she thought when it happened because I wanted a second opinion. She told me she'd meet me up there as she didn't want me to have up there alone with all 3 kids. She actually beat me up there. However, Andy pulled in and met us in the parking lot, so she just said that she'd take D. We didn't get out of ER until amost 10:30 so she said she'd keep Deidra. Deidra had started crying that her throat hurt when E was getting sick and I couldn't tell whether that was her ploy for attention (she's been saying that for probably a week in order to get a popsicle) or if she really was hurting. I gave her some motrin to be on the safe side before we left for the ER. Anyway, since it was so late when we left, Mom said she'd keep Deidra overnight and bring her back in the morning when she came in for work. So, we got the little ones home, bathed, gave them their meds, and put them to bed and then we had to try to clean up all the barf and stuff so that the house was somewhat presentable when the therapy people come today. We went to bed around midnight and Andy had to be up at 3am. The phone starts rining in the middle of the night and it's my Mom. Jess, you're going to have to come get Deidra...she's crying again that her throat is really hurting and she wants you and Daddy. Andy went to go get her even though I kept saying that I'd go since he had to be up so early. That was around 1 am. So, they got home around 2. Deidra is still fussing that her throat is hurting, however she's not running a fever...but I guess once the therapist comes and does her thing that I'm going to have to try and get her into the doctor's this afternoon.

Both Andy and I are exhausted today and he found out that he's going out to NYC next Tuesday morning to late Thursday night. He's totally nervous about going and he's nervous about leaving me alone with all the kids even though I keep telling him that it will be fine.

A biter and hair puller...

Abba, please help me out with some guidance here. This is new territory for me. Deidra never did the whole biting thing and other than playing with my hair when I was holding her, she never was one to pull other kids hair. Baby E (just turned 19 months old) has been pulling Deidra's hair (he's gotten a couple of clump fulls) and if Baby J has something that he wants, not only will he go up and snatch it, but if Baby J tries to get it back E will bite him. I've been constantly telling him no, taking the things back from him that he's been biting for, and he sits in the time out chair for 18 seconds. After his time out is done, I tell him again that we don't bite and pull hair. I can only hope that if he sees that his efforts of biting and pulling hair aren't getting him anywhere that he'll stop. I also hope that when he starts his speech therapy, that he'll be able to get his point across better and that will also help to discourage this biting and pulling hair to get his way.

Anyone that had a biter or a hair puller have any advice for me of things I'm not already doing that worked for you?

Today is going 99% better!

Today is going so so much better. The boys have been playing nicer. E is starting to come out of his shell a bit more and it's nice to see some smiles and hear some giggles from him. I was able to get 3 loads of laundry done as well as clean the house and that alone made me feel a lot better. The caseworkers came over to do their home visit for the boys today and that went well. It's hard to totally concentrate on what they're saying and asking though in the middle of chasing after them and answering Deidra's questions as well (I keep telling her that she needs to leave me be when we have visitors...but she wants to be part of the attention too). It made me smile though when she said to them "I'm just the big sister." They asked her if she was liking it and she said "It's the greatest job in the world." So, that made me smile and it made them smile too. Anyway, yesterday was just a bad and hectic day. Today has been so much better. I have a lot to do later...the paperwork needs to be done over the weekend and this being the first time I've had to do it...it should be interesting. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go and if I can't...I'll just have to call the case worker and ask.

Hard day yesterday...

I had to take E to the doctor for his check-up and he had to get 3 immunizations. He wasn't feeling too well afterwards. I had him on motrin. He also got a couple of perscriptions so I had to do those with him too. Anyway, he was fussy most of the day. Andy stayed him with D and J while I took E to the doctor and by the time I dropped off his perscriptions, I didn't have time to wait for them before Andy had to leave as he had a deadline at work. Andy and I got into a small tizzy over the way he acted when I got home (I was later than I thought I'd be and he was worried he wouldn't be able to set up for the conference before it needed to be done by and everyone was really busy at work and couldn't help him).

So, after the boys morning nap, I got them all into the car to go back to Walgreens to get E's meds. What do you know but it starts pouring. Deidra took Evan to wait under the awning while I got J out of the car. We run in and get his meds and a few snacks. Come back home and I brought J in with Deidra and Deidra fed J something that he wasn't supposed to have while I was out getting E from the car. Poor guy had some major intestinal issues, got horrid butt rash, and was majorly fussy. I wound up having to give him a couple sitz baths as well as piling on his perscription butt cream afterwards and a little motrin. I couldn't be mad at Deidra as she was only trying to help, but now she knows that she can't feed them without asking me first.

I'm trying to feed the boys lunch and J has another explosive diaper...I pick him up to go change him...E is in the high chair...the doorbell rings. It turns out to be J's caseworker that was supposed to be here on MOnday that never showed up. She said she just needed to take a quick picture of J and she asked me a few questions about his mom that I didn't have the answers too. Turns out, it's under investigation whether he can even be placed with his mom or whether they needed to remain to be separated. I had no idea it was under investigation at all. Anyway...I gave her the name of someone she could call and E dumps his food all over the floor. She finally says that she sees that I have my hands full and she got all that she needed. She left and I looked around and I was like with how messy and chaotic it is in here from them not feeling well and the messes they've been making...yeah that probably made a wonderful impression. All I wanted to do was cry...

Anyway, with both the boys being fussy, Deidra wasn't getting the attention she wanted...so what does she do while she's playing in the sink...she decides that she's going to be a baby too and since she's seen me bathe J in the sink...she climbs on the counter and says she got something on her foot and is going to wash her foot. I thought she was just going to sit on the counterand put her foot in to wash it off...nope she decides that she's going to sit in the sink full of water. I put the babies down and go run over there to get her out and she's slopped water all over the counter, under the microwave, down the cabinets, and all over the floor. Oh, and while I'm trying to get her out and the water cleaned up, E decides to bite J right in the center of his forehead.

I finally got things cleaned up, kids calmed down, but my head was killing me. The babies went down for their afternoon nap and I had some stuff I had to try to catch up on. My Dad kept calling me all day over my brother's stupid stuff as well and it just wasn't good timing. J woke up from his nap with another horrid diaper...didn't even want me to touch him as it hurt. I'm in the middle of doing all this and the phone rings again...Deidra gets it for me...it's my Dad wanting to know if my brother got in touch with Andy. Ummm,..I don't know...why don't you try calling Andy? My Dad just kept laughing over everything that was going on and asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this. Finally I had to ask him if he had never had a hard day. E wound up turning the power cord off to the phone while I was on the phone with him...so I'm sure he thought that I had hung up on him.

I finally called Andy when he was 2 hours late coming home and asked him when he was going to come home. I had a headache (this was 7 pm and it finally dawned on me that I hadn't eaten anything all day long) and I just needed a break. He got home just in time to help me get them in their jammies and put them to bed. I had had it though with everyone laughing at what was going on and nobody being positive when that was what I needed. Thankfully, a friend lifted me up when the boys were taking their afternoon nap.

I ran out to Wal-mart and left Andy to put Deidra to bed...I needed some time to myself. I told him that I was tired of being asked if I regretted doing this, or if I knew what I was getting into, and all these negative comments I kept hearing by family who was supposed to support me. I stepped outside the house and looked up and there was a beautiful full rainbow right in front of our house. I ran back in to tell Andy and him and Deidra came out to look at it. Awhile later, I left to run my errands as J was out of soy milk. I got into the car and tears just streamed down my face...I felt like it was God's way of telling me that He believes in me.

Anyway, I hope today goes much better. This week hasn't been that bad...it was just a hard day yesterday. Andy told me last night that he thinks I'm trying to be super mom because of the things that they've been through and I feel stressed knowing that their caseworkers are coming in and out that things aren't all chaotic and messy. He finally got me to understand that they just care that the kids are taken care of and if there's an occasional mess that it's going to be ok. I just need to learn how to chill about certain things.

I pray that today goes much better and the kids will feel better today as well.