Friday, July 30, 2004

Daycare and Some Thank You's

Lord, I wanted to say thank you for the raise that you gave Andy at work and for mine too.  I also wanted to say thank you for the bonus that I was given as well for winning the cashier olympics.  I thank you as well for the good couple of weeks that Andy and I have had together.  It's been nice to spend time together and not argue.  Thank you for your blessings and continue to bless our marriage, Lord.

I also wanted to ask you to help us line up daycare for Deidra.  Jamie has her surgery on August 9 and I hope that everything will go well for her.  We're hoping that since we couldn't get in to tour the daycare center today, that we will be able to get her in there so that she can start on August 9, although we were hoping to have her start this Monday.  Since she can't, we pray that Jamie will be willing to watch her for one more week in the meantime.  If not, we pray that You will bring us someone who would be willing to.  Help us to not stress about this and trust in You. 

Thank you for the blessings that you have given us. 

Daycare and Some Thank You's

Hi Abba.  I wanted to say thank you for the raise that you gave Andy at work.  I also wanted to say thanks for the bonus that I got at work as well for winning the cashier olympics.  That was a nice surprise and very much needed right now.  Thank you.

I also wanted to ask that you will help us line daycare up for Deidra.  Jamie has her surgery next week and I pray everything goes well for her with that.  We're a little stressed about the daycare issue though and we pray that she'll be able to start up by next Monday...although we were hoping that she'd be able to start this coming week.  Since she can't, we pray that Jamie will watch her one more week or if not that you'll bring us someone who would be willing to.  Thank you, Lord, for your blessings.

I also wanted to thank you that Andy and I have had a good couple of weeks together.  It's been nice to spend time together and not argue.  Continue to bless our marriage, Lord. 



Thursday, July 22, 2004

#1 Cashier

Hello Abba.  I want to thank you for being with me and guiding me yesterday at the Home Depot Cashier Olympics.  I was so nervous about it.  I don't think I perform very well when I'm under pressure.  Maybe that's why I had rang up half my cart before realizing that I wasn't even in sales mode and had to start all over.  ;-)  When they announced the top 3 cashiers, I wasn't even expecting to hear my name called since I honestly thought that I had flopped.  Well, when I heard my name called as first place...I knew I had to thank you.  You answered my prayer yesterday.  :-)  Thank you, Abba, it's been such a morale booster for me.  I go to compete in our district competition in August and I'm very excited.  The whole store is going to watch us perform too.  I think I'll probably get nervous.  Help Courtney, Carmen, and I do well for our store, Abba.  :-)  I know you will.  Thanks for your blessings.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Time and Money...More Marital Problems

Hi Abba.  Can I come and sit on your lap?  I need so much love right now.  I don't know what is happening to my marriage, Lord, but we're in dire need of help.  I don't understand why it's always up to me to want to fix things and to try and initiate things.  He doesn't come up and hug me or kiss me or say I love you.  He doesn't initiate sexual behavior.  He doesn't give me his time.  Things got really bad last week and we got into yet another bad argument and then things did start to get better.  We had a better week then what I feel we have in a very long time...he gave me time when he got home from work to talk at the kitchen table and it felt so nice.  Yet, we seem to be back to square one again this week Abba.  We got into yet another argument today.  He said some things to me, Lord, that made me realize that he understands some things yet he is so far off on others.  I told him that I can't take this money crap anymore...he's never content with what we have and he's made me feel worthless.  He gets paid tonight, Lord.  I wanted to go out for dessert as a family...we're talking $10-$15 here and the answer from him was no.  I said that was fine, but yet it seemed like a fight started between us later and he did nothing but complain about money and it just escalated from there.  I told him that we have to live our lives can't exist on all work and no play (basically what he's suggesting) forever and he said that we weren't adults if we couldn't do that.  I told him that he makes me feel worthless when we get in these fights, I've sacrificed a lot of things Lord, because I won't let myself ask for things....I'm tired of being told no and I'm tired of feeling like I don't have a say in our financial matters.  I feel as if Andy uses that as a controlling measure.  I tried to explain that I'm concerned about our marriage and that I'm tired of him not respecting me and making me feel worthless.  Lord, he started to laugh at me and that just broke me even further.  I was going to leave, but once again he threw the guilt trip at me because he had to leave for work soon.  So, I stayed and I cried my eyes out while he got ready for work.  I told him not to laugh at me again, because these are my feelings whether or not he wants to hear them.  He told me later, that he didn't understand why I felt worthless and that I needed to get over stuff...he said I'm letting my parent's divorce spill over into ours and the feelings that I feel about my Dad, I take out on him, but he's tired of me blaming my unhappiness on him and how he feels about money.  Lord, I will admit that there is some truth about my parent's divorce and my own shaked my foundation when my parent's split up...that's something that I never thought would happen.  But, he went through this very same thing with his own parent's...he should know how I'm feeling to some extent.  But, on the other hand...some of our problems have nothing to do with my parents and I feel like he doesn't want to change that.  I just want his time, affection, and to let me spend money now and then.  I'm not talking like I want anything major, but some time, some affection, and to have a little freedom with money now and then would be nice.  I'm scared for my marriage, Abba.  I'm tired of being the one who wants to change things....I'm tired of him making me feel guilty.  He told me to redo the budget today since he's obviously not doing a very good job...I don't feel like I have a say in our financial matters...he's kept me out of the loop for so long.  He threw that in my face today too, Abba.  All I want to do is cry.  Help me, Abba.  Sometimes I really wonder if we'll make it to our 6 year wedding anniversary and it's only a couple of months away.  Help us, Abba.

Cashier Prayer

Good morning, Dear Abba.  I just wanted to say thank you about the review that I got at work and that are cashier meeting went well.  I pray that we can have more of those from time to time. It was good for all of us to be able to get our frustrations out and get solutions and brainstorm on ideas to make things better.  I pray that we'll all do well at the cashier olympics tonight too.  Be with me tonight to guide me. 


Saturday, July 17, 2004

A Thank You

Hello Abba.  I just wanted to say thank you for the time that Andy and I have gotten to spend with one another this week.  I feel a little better about things this week and the time that we've gotten to spend talking without distractions has been very nice.  I also want to say thank you, Lord, for the raise that he got at work yesterday.  We are very appreciative.  We apologize too for the little financial mess that we got into this week because of miscommunication, but are glad that we were able to pay a couple of bills despite it. 
I also wanted to say thank you, Lord, for my Mom.  Thank you so much for bringing her into my life.  She is truly a beautiful blessing and I wouldn't know what to do without her.  I pray for lots of blessings for her too.

Friday, July 16, 2004


Hi Abba.  It's me again.  I've had a couple good cries the past couple of days over my father.  I love him so much, yet he's hurt all of us so much.  We keep trying to forgive and move forward and I think we all hope that one day Daddy will understand what he's done to us and try to make it up to us.  I know that he'll never be able to make up for what he's done really.  It all comes down to forgiveness though and trying to be bigger and better people.  Help Daddy to change for the better, Abba.  Help him be the person that you want him to be and that we want him to be.  I just can't get over the fact that he'd turn his back on his own children when his own children have been in his life a lot longer than this new woman in his life.  He says it all comes down to respect on our part, Abba, but where's the respect in his actions.  You don't turn your back on your children...we've done nothing wrong to deserve that.  If we have, open our eyes to that please, Lord.  It's a dagger in my heart to realize that my Daddy really did walk out on us...I may never see him again....why?  It's all over another woman being in his life.  I find it odd too that things were so different a couple of weeks ago and the possibilities of things were so different and now it's back to a complete 380 degree turn....this new woman doesn't want us in his life...yet Daddy can't seem to understand that and we're all hurting again.  I want my Daddy back, Abba.  I want him to be the person that I knew growing up..the person that I loved so much and respected for what he taught me.  Please bring him back to us before it's too late.  Let him see the light, Lord...most importantly let him see Your Light and come back to you.  Bring him your blessings Lord.  Let him see Your forgiveness and help us to keep forgiving through all of this hurting.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

A Blessing Already?

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing that you just gave to me. I just received an email from my husband saying that he wouldn't work over his shift tonight and he would come home to enjoy some time with me and we could enjoy each other's company. Help us to do just that and to give each other what we really need from one another. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing.

Why Letters to Abba?

Hello Abba. I read recently that Abba translates into Daddy and I really liked thinking of You that way. I know my prayer life has been a bit dry lately, and it seems to me that You've been wanting me to keep a prayer journal over the past little while. It's a thought that I had awhile ago and it's been recommended to me by a couple of people as well. Sometimes it seems to me that my prayers aren't being answered, but I know two being that it has to happen in your time and not in mine and that you answer all prayers...maybe it's just going to take some time for me to see the answers that you give me. :-) I know patience is a virtue and I obviously need to work on that one. I think if I can write in here about my days and things that I'd like to pray about and see some progress with things and have a way to look back on things, I'll see that You never stop working in my life.

I'm going to try praying to you as I would talk to my friends or my family for awhile. I'm going to see if that can help me. Lately, I've felt that I've forgotten how to pray because I try to be so serious when talking to you that I just don't know what to say. So, I'm going to take the first step and start my prayer journal. You can only hint at me so many times right...I know now that I just need to listen. I know you've put this on my heart to do now I must listen and do it. Thank you for prodding me, Lord. I will listen and do as you say now. I'm sorry for being so stubborn and coming up with excuses as not to do this before now.

I'm having a hard time dealing with a lot of things right now, Abba. I don't know quite where I seem to fit in anymore. My marriage is really struggling and sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart or that the life is being sucked out of me. Why oh why can't he seem to understand what I want so badly from him? All I want is some of his time, but it seems to me that I always have to argue with him to get that from him and after that it leaves me feeling so hurt and worthless. Who wants to fight with someone every time you want to spend time with someone? I love him so much, Lord. It's just getting really hard lately and sometimes I don't think things are going to get better. I know that I have to keep hanging in there though and keep working on things...I just hope that he'll start to try and work on things too. I can't do this all alone. It just seems like since he lost his job at Siren, Abba, that our marriage has gone downhill. Now, everything comes down to money and if there's not a way to make money in whatever we do, then I get a flat out no. I can remember not too long ago, asking to go on a day trip to Frankenmuth and that turned into a huge that I find myself still quite bitter about. He didn't want to go because he didn't think we had the money. It wasn't that far away and I just wanted time away from things...I just wanted to walk through the town and window shop. I wasn't asking for anything huge...just a change in scenery and time away with him. He wanted to go garage saling to look for stuff to sell on ebay and drive all over the place. Why is it ok to do that, but it wasn't ok to do what I wanted? It all came down to the fact that there wasn't a possibility to make money if we went away for the day to Frankenmuth, but if we went garage saling then there was. Finally after a lot of arguing and a lot of tears shed on my part, he gave in and we went to Frankenmuth with his promise that we could have the whole day together. I was so looking forward to things, Lord. Then, on the day of our trip, we were in the car on the way there and he informed me that we couldn't stay long sicne we had to get back for a business call later that afternoon. I was heartbroken...I've dealt with stuff like this for a long time now, Lord. I feel so put on the backburner. When I try to tell him that I feel like I'm on a constant yo-yo, he so doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I feel so insecure about our marriage, but what kind of marriage do we have if everything comes down to money and we never spend any time together to have fun and just spend time on our marriage.

I can remember before we moved, having an argument and him telling me that things would change once we were back in MI and we had the support of our friends and family and oh how I so wanted to believe that. I have found my independence again being back here, but my marriage is still suffering, Abba. I don't know how to make it better and I'm finding myself getting so bitter about things. I look at people when I'm out and about and I see people holding hands or gazing lovingly at each other or laughing together and it makes me want to cry. My marriage is no longer like that, Lord. He walks ahead of me often times leaving me behind, I have to ask him for affection, Lord...he rarely ever gives it to me's been like this for so long now that I don't know how to fix it. How can a marriage exist without time and affection towards each other? I'm crying out inside for him just to show me that he loves me. I don't know how to fix this. I have had a revelation that maybe I need to give more to receive more and I'm going to try and work on that too and hope that he in turn will do the same.

I do thank you for my family, Lord. I thank you for my husband and for our little girl and I just pray that you will keep us bonded together, Abba, and help us to become the wife and husband (mother and father) that you intended us to be. Help us, Abba, as we can't do this alone.