Tuesday, June 28, 2005

First Loves

Hi Abba. Just wanted to ask if you could pour Your Blessings upon Travis today. You know that he was my first love and that he'll always have a special place in my heart. I've been thinking about him a lot lately and as I wrote the date down today, I realized that it is his 27th birthday today. Happy birthday, Travis.

What's the story of Travis? Well for those of you who don't know...I met him when I was in 5th grade and he was in 3rd. I had the biggest crush on him. We were both Catholic and we went to latin mass together. He comes from a big Catholic family and he is the oldest of 9 children. We grew up together and my feelings for him became stronger and stronger over the years. His family had a rule that he couldn't date until he was 16 and I was so shy about it all that I never really was very vocal about it, although he knew I liked him and we'd sit and stare at one another through mass. He was an altar server, so that was to my advantage, I guess since he was always in a good viewing spot. ;-) I was friends with him and his sisters though and I adored him all the way through high school. In my junior year of high school, our family moved and we started going to school together too. We'd ride the bus home together and we'd talk between classes. After I graduated high school, I started having to work more and more Sundays, so I didn't see him as much. Then, we were both dating other people, and then he moved way up north to go to college and I didn't see him at all. I kept in touch with what he was doing through his mom and his sisters. Obviously my life took another turn as I fell in love with Andy and I married him. When we moved back to MI, I went back to mass and his mom welcomed me back with open arms. When I saw him, all those old feelings came back. He greeted me with a big smile and I sat with him and his sisters at catechism after mass and he asked me where I had been. His family and him had thought about me a lot over the past few years. I struggled with my feelings for him...So much so, that I had to stop going and haven't been back. But, I still think about him a lot and I've wondered at times that if I hadn't dated Andy if we would have had a chance at being together. He truly was my first love and he'll always have a special place in my heart.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Can't give up on trying just yet for a baby of our own...

Hi Abba. Me again. My cycles appear to be getting a little more normal and although I thought I was honestly ready to shut that door and move to the adoption stages, the reality of having fertile mucuous (I can't believe I'm actually saying this to You, but hey, I should be able to talk to you about anything right?) and possibly ovulating around Father's Day made me realize that I was hopeful, surprised, and not ready to shut the door on the possibility of having one of our own. Then, a dear friend of mine called and told me her exciting news of expecting baby #4. I was so excited for her and it only further made me realize how I desperately want to have another baby and have a baby of our own still. I finally talked about my feelings to Andy. I wasn't sure if he'd want to turn back and really try again. I should know this week whether we're pregnant or not. If we are, we'll wait until the baby is born and we'd still like to pursue the adoptions. If we're not, we'd like to go and have infertility work ups done again and see what the doctor has to say. We're also going to see about working with the herbalist in Australia again as well. If we don't have any luck, the adoptions will still be pursued in November. Either way, we still want to adopt. We decided to keep this to ourselves, besides sharing this with a few close friends...we don't want to get people's hopes up or open ourselves up for more criticism. I just pray for Your Will, Abba. I put all of this in Your Hands. I know that you know our wants and our needs and you know how much we all want to have a baby of our own and to give some children a better life and home as well. We want to have our big happy family and we put everything all in Your Hands. Please help us to make our dreams come true, Abba. Thank you, for helping us have our little Deidra. You have given us such a blessing to be parents. She truly is a blessing and we will look on every child that you give us as a blessing as well. I've always been fascinated with big families and I'd love to have a big family of our own. Help us, Abba. God bless all the little children of the world this day as well! Help us as we go down this path of really trying again too. Help us with our emotions, to stay strong, and to achieve our dreams. I put all of this into Your Hands.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

God bless the little children of the world

Now, I'm singing the tune that we learned at Sunday school. :-)

Hi Abba! Just wanted to come to you today and ask that you bless all the little children of the world today. They are so precious and innocent. Please put it on these parents hearts what a blessing children really are. I was blessed this past week and didn't even know it. I was sitting in the breakroom and these guys were talking about their children (that they knew of) and they were making jokes about paying child support and how their kids were so bad. One guy made a comment about if you have 10 kids out of wedlock, you didn't have to pay child support, so just shoot for 10. I really had to bite my tongue and I was on the verge of tears. These poor little children didn't ask for parents like this. Why oh why can't these parents realize that children are such blessings and not everyone is privileged to have them. But, it just broke my heart in two to hear them talking about their children like this. Sure, I can understand having bad days with your children, there are times that Deidra tests me as well, but I have never said anything bad to her or about her. I wouldn't trade her for anything and feel so blessed to be a mother.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of days and I was working up at returns and one of the rather new guys came up to returns and he said to me "you know, I was watching your facial expression the other day." I was lost as I didn't know what he was referring to and then he told me that he was in the break room that day and he had seen how troubled that conversation had made me. I explained to him that we had to try awfully hard to get Deidra and it just really bothers me to hear people talk about children that way. He wanted to let me know that if I had opened my mouth and voiced my opinions that he would have backed me up. I got tears in my eyes and I told him the reason I really didn't say anything was not because I didn't want to, but I knew how emotional I would have become in there and figured it was best to keep my mouth shut. He patted me on the back and told me that he's seen me with Deidra and he said you can see it on my face how much she means to me and that I am a good mom. Gosh, is it nice to hear things like that some times. I never even had realized that he had been in there when that discussion was even going on. Mom tells me that You speak through others at times and I'd like to believe that compliment came from you. I certainly try, Abba, to be the best mom that I can be and although I've made mistakes along the way and will in the future too, I am trying to be the best mom that I can be to that little girl and hope that you will bless us soon with more children of our own...whether they come from my own womb or someone elses. :-) Give all the little children your blessing today, Abba.

Monday, June 13, 2005


Abba, how is it that I feel what you're leading us to do so deep in my heart? I've felt you talking to me so many times now on adoption and babies and children. I know in my heart that it's time to do this. Yet, Andy's side of the family is so criticial of the timing that we're chosing to do this. I keep telling myself too that they were criticial of me wanting to stay at home with Deidra too, but that's what we both feel is important. They've been more accepting since I have been back at work, but it's not really what we both want and we're both looking forward to the day that I can quit and be at home with her again. It just seems that ever since we have gotten married, his family has been so critical of us. They keep bringing up the timing of our adoptions as we live here. They keep talking to us about how Andy's Dad already works 3 jobs (it's really only 2) and how he doesn't get much sleep and they don't think that we understand the expense that a child really is. Andy's dad doesn't pay any of our bills, we pay them ourselves as we should. And last time I checked, we had a child of our own that we support 100% (again, as we should), so how is it that we don't understand the expense that is there? We don't plan on living here when the babies come home, we plan on moving out when we get our referrals, but as we receive these critical statements from family...on one hand we have to keep telling ourselves that as long as we're ok with the current plan and Andy's dad is ok with the current plan then that is all that truly matters, but to be honest with myself too Abba, it doesn't stop it from hurting to know that they're not truly behind us. I keep telling myself that in all reality because we can't afford a mortgage and to pay for the adoptions we just need a little help in making our dreams come true. It's the fees that we can't afford to pay for all upfront with a mortgage payment too...it's not caring for them once they're home. Why or why do I always feel the need to justify my ever action? Why or why is nothing we ever do good enough for them? I feel you leading us to this, Abba, so I know it is time soon for us to begin this process and I put it all in Your Hands. I love you, Abba, and I know that You don't want us to hurt and you want us to depend on you. I will try to take this criticism as best as I can and I will hand my hurts over to you. Hopefully the family will come around in the end...if not, I guess it is their loss.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Thank you for my sweet little girl...

I'm so glad that I got to spend yesterday and today with her. We woke up this morning and we were talking about some of her favorite things. She is just too precious sometimes.

Mommy: What's your favorite animal?
Deidra: Umm..a micey...and a monkey. And my stuffed animals, o' course.

Mommy: What's your favorite food to eat?
Deidra: Basketti

Mommy: What's your favorite color?
Deidra: Red

Mommy: What's your favorite thing to do?
Deidra: Smuggle with you

Mommy: Where is your favorite place to go?
Deidra: The zoo, the mall, and the make-up counter at JC Penneys.

I started giggling and asked her where she had gotten that from. She told me they have pretty bracelets and stuff there and I told her that indeed they did, but we've never actually visited the make-up counter at JC Penneys. She said that they pretend that at school sometimes. Oh, did I crack up. She is just too precious. I love having little talks like that with her though...getting to hear her thoughts...making each other laugh....and smuggling. I love that little girl so much, Abba, Thank you so much for bringing her into my life and making me a mommy.

Thank You for a great day filled with friendship....

Thank you, Abba, so much for Racheal. She's been my friend since 7th grade...we can truly be ourselves with one another...and we've always been there for one another. It's nice to have a dear friend for life like she is and I hope that we always have one another to depend on. We met at the mall yesterday at the portrait studio, since her daughter, Kate, was having her 6 year pics taken. We let the kids play in the little play area for awhile, then we took them out to lunch. It's an experience taking 4 kids all pretty much a year apart to the mall, but it was fun. Then, we went to Children's Place as I wanted to look for a swimsuit for Deidra, but they didn't have much and what they had left, I really didn't like. So, we drove up the road to Cold Stone creamery and took the kids to get ice cream. Mmmm! We all left with full tummies and messy faces (well, the kids had messy ones anyway). After that, we drove down to Racheal's house, and we set up the Slip and Slide so the kids could cool off. It was a beautiful day and it was nice watching them play while we just sat and talked. She looked at me and said "you are so ready to have more kids...I am so excited for you and absolutely can't wait..." I just smiled and told her how excited we are and she said that the people that were before them in pictures had 2 little Korean kids that made her think of me and our adoption. It was nice to just talk about them for awhile. Racheal and her hubby are thinking of having another one soon themselves...this would be their 4th. So, that's exciting too. It was nice to sit and talk with her...we don't get the chance to see one another as much as we would like to with our work schedules and other stuff going on with life in general either. But, it was a nice friendship filled day and I was glad to share the day with her. The kids adore one another too and they had a blast as well. Deidra was glad that she got to see her Kate and Abby and they were equally as glad to see her. Thanks for a gorgeous day filled with friendship, Abba.

Help me recommitt myself...

to the things that I need to get doing to stay on top of everything. I've been slacking in some areas. By the time I finish working each day, all I want to do is come home and spend time with Deidra and Andy. I've been slacking on cleaning, doing my school work, exercise...and other things too. Help me to be able to stay on top of everything that I need to. Help me get my drive back. Thanks Abba.

Been emotional lately....

I don't know what my deal has been lately, Abba, but I have been so emotional. Well, maybe I do once I show who showed up at my door yesterday...oh well she'll be gone in a week right? ;-) Anyway, help me get through this...between rude customers at work, people that I work with that have negative attitudes, and other stuff going on...it's making me pretty darn emotional. I'm trying to surround myself with positive people and work on my attitude myself...no negativity...only positive thinking...and it's slowly working, but I am finding myself getting emotional when faced with the other stuff.

I couldn't sleep the other night...wasn't feeling too well...got up and watched Discovery Health for awhile. Watched some medical shows and then some adoption stories came on. I watched a couple adopt from Guatemala...they already had a daughter that was D's age....I also realized that I get to meet the babies birthmothers...I didn't realize that before. I so chocked up when I was watching them cry and hug and talk together and I so lost it when she finally handed the baby over and turned to walk out of the room. How heartwrenching to hand your baby over because you love that baby so much that you realize that you can't give him/her what she truly needs. Oh bless all the birthmothers, Abba, that give up their babies and be with them while they grieve. And when our turn comes to meet our birthmoms...please guide us through that meeting and help us be a comfort to them as well and establish a loving relationship with them. The funny thing was that I was going to the mall yesterday to meet Racheal and I was listing to a broadcast on JQ and they were talking about crisis pregnancies and adoption and they were talking about how the birthmoms needed so much support and if they didn't get that, they often went into such a downward spiral that they'd seek out the wrong comforts and wind up pregnant again later. I sat there and felt the tears built up in my eyes and I knew that I was being given this message for a reason. All I know is that I hope that we can be a source of comfort to our birthmoms when our turn comes...they'll always have a lifetime of prayers for us and I'm hoping that we can develop a relationship as well so that we can keep tabs on them and be there for them too. My hearts go out to them though... Be with them, Abba.