Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Cupcake Cones

The cake recipe I used is gluten and sugar free and turned out really moist and good.

1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 cup stevia
1/2 teaspoon flour
2 tsp baking soda
5 tsp grapeseed oil
1 tablespoon vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
1 cup water

We mixed it all up and filled an ice cream cone 1/2 full and put them in the oven at 350 for 30 minutes.  We took them out and frosted them with frosting.

The frosting I used wasn't sugar-free as I was out of Stevia.
1 cup shortening
1 tsp water
1 tsp vanilla
3 tsp milk
1 cup cocoa powder
4 cup powdered sugar

I let the kids pick sprinkles, colored sugar, or cereal to top their cones with once the frosting was on.  They enjoyed them!


Sometimes it really hurts...

that Josiah tries so hard to keep me at bay.  When they are throwing fits or having to go to time out and he's dysregulated, I've tried to just go sit with him.  If he continues to kick the cabinets and so forth, I put him on my lap.  He will scream to no end that I'm hurting him.  If he pinches or hits me then I hold his hands.  If he tries to head butt me, I just hold his head against my chest.  I'm not hurting him by any means and we can talk about it afterwards once he's calm and he will admit that I'm not hurting him.  He just says that he doesn't want to have to sit in time out.  It bothers me so much that anytime I try to touch him when he's mad he will continue to scream that I'm hurting him.  I have to take it for what it is "he's just trying to get out of doing his consequences in time out for his actions" and that "it's not personal."  I just wish that he'd accept my help and that I'm just trying to keep him safe, myself safe, and things from getting broken and I'm hoping that by being present and calm that I'm helping him to regulate.  I just want him to let me in.  I want him to accept the love that I'm just trying to give him.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Look who lost her first tooth today!

She's happy about the tooth fairy coming tonight!


Monday, August 13, 2012

Josiah and Therapy

We had attachment therapy last week Thursday.  We talked with her about what we've been going through with Josiah.  He's really been out-of-control lately with agression, constantly wanting control and when something doesn't go his way we're having to deal with an all out tantrum.  I've video taped some of them just to document what he's been doing in case we have to take him to Children's.  She wound up telling us that she thinks it's nearing the time to put him in a placement to further drive home that there's consequences for his actions.  That was really hard for me to hear.  I'm fighting it as I don't want it to come to the fact that he may have to go out of state for a year or longer.  He's my little boy and I want to keep him home with us. Andy told her that we had been thinking about hiring in some extra hands.  She thinks that if we're going to try to keep him in the home that would be a smart idea so that everyone is supervised and get some attention that they need.  She brought Josiah in and talked to him about his behavior and told him that if he didn't shape up that we were going to not have a choice, but to put him with another family to get him the help that he needs for awhile.  He didn't like that.  She asked him who Daddy's favorite person was and he pointed to himself.  She told him "no, who has Daddy been with the longest?"  He again pointed to himself.  She told him that Mommy and Daddy started a family together long before any of our children were around.  He didn't like that at all and you could see how angry he was becoming.  She told him that he was being mean to Daddy's favorite person who he loved very much and that didn't make Daddy happy.  She finally asked him what was making him so angry and he didn't say anything.  Her and I both were on the same page though...he was mad that it wasn't all about him...he wasn't center-stage.  That's always a trigger for him.  She could see that he was about ready to lash out and start punching someone so she wanted Andy to drive him home separately and have a talk about how Mommy was the love of his life and that he needed to be good to me and that if his behavior didn't change that he was going to have to be put somewhere else to get him help.  She told me that if we were going to try to keep him in our home, that I needed to step up the paper trail and she told me that when he does "x, y, and z" that I needed to take him up to Children's to see the psych dept.  I was having a really hard time wrapping my mind around everything and was really dealing with alot of emotions.

Friday, the morning started out really rough...he was getting upset over really little things and he was banging and kicking everything and just trying to be destructive.  He picked out clothes and then refused to put them on, trying to get out of taking his meds, banging the furniture into the walls.  He finally refused to put his new clothes on and so I told him that he couldn't do that in front of his sisters and he was going to have to go to his room until he wanted to make the right choice.  He wound up peeing in his pull-up and then ripping the pull-up off and throwing the fluff all over his floor.  Once he saw that he was going to have to clean up his mess, thankfully he did it.  After that, he decided to pull it together for the rest of the day.  He tried to be helpful and he had a willingness to do what was asked of him. after lunch he came up to me and started to cry and told me that he was sorry for doing all sorts of bad stuff.  He sat on my lap and rested his head on my chest and let me soothe him and hold him and love on him.  He hasn't let me do that stuff in years.  I held him and he fell asleep on my chest and we just stayed that way.  I cried and prayed and thanked God for giving me those moments with him.  I spent the rest of that day just cuddling and loving on my kids and trying to process my emotions.  I knew one thing for sure though...I feel God telling me to keep Josiah here with us.  I felt God telling me to hang in there and that He is working in our lives.

Saturday, we went to see the dr. for neurofeedback therapy.  He said that he could see that things were triggering Josiah every few minutes, but that he was trying his best to hang in there.  After he did 8 reps, he told me that he wanted ice cream for his treat.  I told him that it was just morning and we didn't get ice cream for treats in the morning, but we could go to the restaurant that he picked and get breakfast on the way home.  The dr honestly thought we were going to deal with a major meltdown.  Instead, Josiah, let out a big growl and sigh and he pressed forward.  Wow!  I told him that I think it scared him when we had the talk with him about having to go somewhere if his behavior didn't change.  We talked about a lot of things and he told me that he knew that was such a big decision to make and the parents struggle with a lot of guilt, but that he was trying to help us with neurofeedback and we added the emotional component to it so that he hopefully could get a handle on better dealing with what was triggering him.  He also told me that he ws surprised that with the dr even sitting beside him in a position of authority that he was still continuing to disobey.  I told him that's him every 5 minutes.  He doesn't like boundaries, rules, told what to do, not being first.  None of that stuff.  He told me "God is with you, God sees, God will help you."  I told him what was concerning the dr with safety for all of us and that I still don't really think that he's doing it all to hurt everyone...sometimes he is, but sometimes he doesn't think it through, he just acts on his anger.  He's never known any fear or his own strength, but I see the drs concerns too and I will act on those as well just so that I make sure all the bases are covered.  I also sent an email to his psychiatrist with his behaviors as well and wanting to make sure that it's not a medication issue that could be causing them.  He did well for the rest of Saturday and Sunday.

Here it is Monday morning, he still is having a lot of anger issues and he's trying to test boundaries.  However, he's not having all out temper tantrums.  He's growling and letting out screams here and there, but he's trying to hold it together.  That's progress and I am so thankful for that.

Lord, thank you for giving us this team of drs to support us as we go through the process of trying to help Josiah.  Thank you for healing Josiah and I know that You will continue to do so with every therapy session that he has.  Amen

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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Neurofeedback Therapy

Josiah is showing that he's making progress.  however, like he's done with speech and OT, he tests and tests and tests and his behavior gets in the way.  Last week, the dr. told me that I needed to come up with some incentives for Josiah to do a good job in therapy.  He wanted him to have at least 6 good sections of the 10 that he does each time he goes in.  Obviously, more is a plus.  I talked to Andy and we agreed that if he did a good job he could pick something off the $1 menu for the ride home and if he got good marks all week he could get a happy meal for his hard work.  Saturday, Andy went with me and he did a great job.  Yesterday, he was out of sorts all day.  We get to therapy and he saw that they had a tv sitting in the middle of the floor (it wasn't set up) and he decided he was going to watch that tv.  I told him it wasn't set up nor did it belong to us and to leave it alone.  He proceeded to get mad, try to bend the prongs on the plug, and threw the cord across the room.  I had to peel him off the floor and put him in my lap where he proceeded to try to head butt me, kick me, and was just being loud.  The dr. came out to get us and brought us back...Josiah seemed to have calmed down and so we started therapy.  The whole session he was trying to mess around.  He was trying to pull the sensors off his head, scratching at his head, pulling at the wires, opening and closing the doors, rambling at the dr.  The dr told him multiple times that he wasn't allowed to touch the wires where the sensor plugged in to the computer.  That was the firmest I've ever seen the dr get with him.  The dr. is pretty patient.  Josiah finally announced that he wasn't going to do it anymore and he wanted his treat.  We both told him that he wasn't scoring enough points or working hard enough to get rewarded and that only he could change that.  He proceeded then to pull the tag off his shoe and acted up some more.  At the end, the dr. had him do one more session to try to make up for one of them that he barely scored any on.  No go.  Josiah finished and wanted his prize.  The dr told him that he didn't earn it and he looked at me and said "he'd just go to Whataburger then."  I told him he didn't work hard enough to get a treat.  He threw himself against the wall and the dr. was trying to talk to him as well.  He was concerned about if he was going to be ok on the ride home (an hour to an hour and a half) and I said that we'd just have to see.  I wound up having to carry him out of the office as he wouldn't walk and kept throwing himself onto the floor and I almost went with him once.  I cannot afford to fall and hurt my knee again when I'm still not over my knee sprain from March.  I carried him out to the car and he proceeded to cry and try to kick me the whole way out.  The dr. gave me a pat on the shoulder and told me to hang in there.  He told Josiah that he was disappointed in his behavior and that he felt bad for me because of all I was trying to do for him and he was acting that way.  It didn't matter.  We got to the car and I got him inside and he proceeded to kick and scream.  I had to climb back there to put him in his seatbelt.  5 min down the rd he fell asleep.  3/4th of the way home, the tears came rolling down my cheeks.  All I want is for him to get better...but this is up to him.  The dr is there to help him, I am there to help him and take care of him, but this choice on how he acts and whether he wants to do the work to get better...that's all up to him.  I get that.  I really do.  It doesn't make dealing with it any easier for me.  He pushes me away, he pushes any efforts to help him away, he pushes and pushes.  I'm so glad that we have attachment therapy this week.  The neuro dr is going to try to compile some data from yesterday too to help me see what's going on in his brain when he acts that way.  He asked me how frequently he gets like that and I said "anytime he doesn't get his way."  We switched where the sensors go yesterday as well to work on his moods and "angries" the dr. said that he didn't think we'd see any benefits from yesterdays session because he just didn't want to do the work, but that he would compile some data from the session to hopefully give us some insight as to what is happening when he gets like that.  I guess I already said that a little bit huh?  Oh well...I guess I needed to say it again for my own benefit.  It's really trying to deal with his "angries" over everything.  I just hope and pray that he will begin to want help and will work to get better.

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Deidra's New Room

We moved Deidra into Emily and Tracie's old room and Emily and Tracie (and eventually Melina) will move into Deidra's old room.  She picked her own room colors and new furniture and bedding.  The vanity seat still needs to get put together, but the fabric on top will match her couch.  And we still need to pick out curtains, but we may do a zebra print as it will match her bedding and then I'm going to get customized peace sign pillows for her couch for her.