Saturday, August 28, 2004

Hard Night

Hi Abba. I had a really hard night last night. I've been trying to have time with Andy all week. We wound up getting into a little argument yesterday and I just felt off anyway for not getting a whole lot of sleep the other night. We worked through that and then I was trying to get him to come to bed with me and he kept acting like he just didn't want to. This has been a pattern all week. I came out and asked him why he wasn't attracted to me anymore and why I'm alays the one that has to initiate anything. He couldn't answer me. I went upstairs and got a drink and came back down and crawled into bed. He came in and asked me if I wanted him to be honest although it was going to be painful for him to say it. He's worried about my weight and the possible things that could go wrong and he wants me on Herbalife and he thought I owed that to him and Deidra. I asked him why it had to be Herbalife, when I can't stand the thought of having to have 2 shakes a day when I'd rather do Atkins and I had better luck with that before anyway. It made me upset too because I've put my health on the line for so long...why?...because of the guilt trips he used to give me about money. For pete's sake...I bled for 2 months straight before I even went in to have the surgery I needed...I didn't go to the endocrinologist for thyroid meds even though I was told to not go off the stuff again...because of the money for the appt and the blood tests and the meds that I would need. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I don't think he finds me very attractive to him anymore and I was just extremely hurt. I've been trying to exercise for 30 minutes a day all this week...I've made some and not made some depending on my work schedule that day. I've gone back to my motto of "you can't change his feelings, but you can change how you react to them." I cried a lot last night and he kept telling me over and over that he loved me or he wouldn't worry, and I believe that deep down, but at the same time I almost feel like he doesn't love me for what and who I am if he can't love me like this. I'm putting myself back on Atkins and I'm going to keep exercising and I just need help with willpower, Abba. Help me to do this. There's things that Andy has done that I haven't liked during our relationship, but I never would have thought to push him away for it. It just hurts. He told me that he didn't mean to hurt me if he did, but I asked him and he felt that he needed to be honest with me. I told him that I thought I needed to pull away for now and that if he wanted me to let me know as I'm not going to him anymore (at least for awhile). I think I have a hole in my heart..... Help me...

Saturday, August 21, 2004

District Competition

Hi Abba. Our cashier olympic district competition is tomorrow. I pray that you will guide me and help me have the speed and accuracy that I'll need tomorrow. I'm getting a little nervous about it, but I know You will be with me. Help me do well, Abba. Be with Carmen and Courtney too as they are my teammates from my store.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Jobs, Careers, and Professions

Hello Abba. I just wanted to come to you and ask that you guide Andy with what he is supposed to do for a living. We're grateful for the job that he has now, but I can't help but feel nervous about his rate of pay when he goes on full-time since the last time he worked for a temp company and then went on with the company he was doing the work for full-time, he had to take a pay cut. So, if this happens to him again I am not sure how we'll make it with the plans that we're trying to put into place. I continue to leave our finances in your hands. I pray too that you will help Andy to decide if he wants to stay in the computer field or not and if he needs to take any classes or not as well. He's really having a dilemna over all of this. I think part of it is that he doesn't believe he has any self worth anymore, but I know he's worth more than what he's getting paid now. He just has to believe that. Please show him the way, Lord, of what you want him to do. Help us put our plans into place too with getting out of debt and finding a place of our own to live. We keep debating over building and finding land, or finding a cheap house. We know it's going to be another few months yet before we're able to do any of this though.

I also want to ask for prayers for Zach. Mom tells me that he has a gift for baking. If it is your will that he go to culinary school, I ask that you show Zach the way to get there. I just know that he'd be good at it. Bless my brother, Lord, and give him a goal to work towards. It won't be much longer now and he'll be graduating from high school. I can still remember him as a baby, Lord. Boy, was he full of energy, but oh so cute. I remember watching him and how he used to wait for me to get home from school. I remember taking him to the park and I remember the day he was born. I wish he'd talk to me more now...maybe as he gets older he will...maybe he just doesn't know how to talk to his sister because I'm a girl or something, but I wish he would talk and laugh with me. I love him and want what's best for him. Thank you for my brother, Lord. Let Your blessings rain down on him.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Cashier Stuff

Hi Abba. Me again... I found out that my drawer was off by 80 some dollars on Sunday. I pray that you will help them to find the error so that I won't get a write up and that you will help me be more on the money mark if was due to an error on my part so that I won't have one again. I just keep worrying about it and playing different scenarios over in my head. Not really too sure of what happened there as I've never been off the money mark by that much. I just pray that they'll find the error and that it's not something that I'll get written up over. I also pray for job security for Andy and I and we continue to hand our finances over to Your hands, Abba. Thank you again for giving us some unity in our marriage in that department. It's been nice and I owe it all to You.

Monday, August 09, 2004

My Baby's 1st Day of Preschool

Hi Abba. I just sent my baby off for her 1st day of preschool. She's very excited about going and can't wait to show her teacher and her friends her toys that she brought. It's a sad day for us though as we struggle with guilt for not being able to be home with her like we were so she always had at least one of us with her. We were glad to have Jamie help us out over these past 6 weeks, as we at least were comforted by the fact that she was with family. We pray that Jamie's surgery will go well today too, Lord. Anyway, please keep our little Deidra safe today. Help her teacher to make her feel at home at school today and give her a little friend or two that will play with her nicely today. Help her do well. She's very excited, but I know this is a new thing for her too and I just want everything to go well for her today. She's my baby, Abba...keep her safe and happy. I'll wonder what she's doing and what she's learning all day and the sad thing about it is that I won't even be home from work early enough today to hear about how her first day went in her own words. I told Daddy to have her call me at work, so hopefully they will. She'll be in bed before I get home for another early day tomorrow. She did really well going to bed so early last night and she even slept in her own room, so we were thankful for that. I just wish we didn't have to get her up at 5:15. I hope they'll let her go back to sleep when she gets there rather than making them stay up until rest time at noon. I want her to be a happy girl today. Bless my little Deidra today and always, Abba.

Friday, August 06, 2004

The Abba Fund

Abba, I don't know why but it made me smile when I found this. I've been drawn into this adoption searching and I had looked at multiple adoption assistance programs when I stumbled upon this one. It made me smile. I love calling you, makes me feel peaceful and that I have a Daddy who will always be there for me. I love you. Thanks for letting me know this is here for us. We will continue to pray and help us to hear what your calling truly is.

A Call to Adoption?

Hi Abba. You know how our emotions have been with trying to conceive and all the heartache that we've been understand the hurt of trying to no avail...the "helpful" words that people try to give that only hurt worse...the longing that I feel to hold another baby of my own....the longing that Andy and I feel to add to our current family...and the wants of Deidra to have a baby brother and a baby sister. I starting really thinking about adoption last year when I wasn't sure of how much more I could truly take of looking at other people's pregnant tummies and seeing what others could have so easily while we were struggling so hard. I know the true blessing that a baby really is and that children aren't just given to anyone, but yet I wonder sometimes why some people have it so easy and some so have it so hard. I'm extremely greatful that you gave us our little girl and I don't know what I would honestly do without her. I know some people in life aren't that lucky to even have one child, but I know that regardless of whether you're trying for one, two, our your fifth that it's hard when it's not happening for you although that degree of pain is different.

I've started to wonder lately if we should just call it quits, yet I can't honestly make myself let go quite yet. We want to go meet with an ob-gyn or a reproductive endocrinologist to see what our chances even are of having another one, yet I really feel deep down that Deidra is our first and our last that we'll have naturally and I've started to think about adoption now and then. I'm starting to wonder though if it's not a calling from you. I thought about it some last year and then I kind of let it go. I've thought about it a little bit more this year and Andy and I have talked about it a little bit. We know that we have to get some things together before we begin that process though. Deidra has been asking me more and more...almost on a daily basis...for a baby brother and a baby sister. It gets harder and harder to answer her and I keep telling her that we need to keep talking to you about it.

Well, this morning she put a catalog into my hands Lord and told me that she wanted a baby brother and sister...I didn't really look at the catalog until we sat down to eat and then I realized it was a whole catalog about nothing but adoption. I read the catalog and looked at the pictures and I felt your presence and I got all choked up over those babies. So much, so that I came downstairs and got on Bethany Christian Services website and started doing more research. I got choked up again and yet my heart has melted over some of these little babies. I even let myself write a couple of emails to the agencies about them. I figure if it's a calling from You that if something is meant to be, that You'll find a way to make it happen. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to pray about what Your calling us to do and I'll pray that you will help us add to our family whether it will be naturally or through adoption. In the meantime, I just want you to know how grateful we are for our little Deidra and we thank you for her so much.

These babies melted my heart today, Lord, and I pray that you will bless them.
Little Maria....


Victor Benjamin...

and Baby 454....

Bless the babies, Abba, that need forever families....

Some Stuff Along with Some Family Prayers

Hi Abba. Thanks for helping us get Deidra's daycare this week figured out. It was nice to have FIL help out on Monday and that Jamie agreed to watch her the rest of the week for her last week. We went and toured Deidra's school center yesterday and the people there seem very nice and Deidra will have a lot of kids to play with now. She's very excited about going to preschool and we just hope things go well. The only thing she got upset about yesterday was that she couldn't go play with the kids yet. I think the structure of the program and the social interaction will be good for her. She doesn't really get a whole lot of interaction with other children on a very regular basis, so hopefully she'll do well with it all.

I wanted to say thank you for letting Andy get back on first shift too so that we could get the daycare situation figured out with a time that would actually work. It's nice having him at home with us at night too. Now, to only get him to go to bed at a decent time so that he's not so tired when he gets home from work. I'll leave that one to you though, Abba. You know...I should have listened to Stormie Omartian a long time ago...that shut up and pray thing really does work. :-)

I continue to pray for our finances Lord. Things can get so tight sometimes. I will continue to leave that in your hands though. I just thank you that Andy and I seem to be on the same page lately so we haven't fought about money in a couple of weeks now. That has been so nice. Thank you for bringing us some unity there, Abba.

I pray for Mom and her finances too Lord. I know her wages are going to start being garnished for the bankruptcy and I put that all into your hands too, Abba. I know you will take care of her, but I know too how scary it can be when money seems so tight and you have so many bills to pay and aren't sure where the money is going to come from. I know You will continue to take care of us though and we just have to have faith and continue to trust in You. I pray for Zach and Jimmie too Lord that you will keep them moral and safe in their teen years and that they will get to know You and want to live in Your word. I also pray for Michael that he will continue to love You and serve You...that boy has such a beautiful heart Lord. I pray that He will continue to know what you are calling him to do. He would make an awesome priest should you call him to do so.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Daycare Issues and Other Stuff

Lord, I wanted to say thank you for the raise that you gave Andy at work andfor mine too. I also wanted to say thank you for the bonus that I was givenas well for winning the cashier olympics. I thank you as well for the goodcouple of weeks that Andy and I have had together. It's been nice to spendtime together and not argue. Thank you for your blessings and continue tobless our marriage, Lord.I also wanted to ask you to help us line up daycare for Deidra. Jamie hasher surgery on August 9 and I hope that everything will go well for her.We're hoping that since we couldn't get in to tour the daycare center today,that we will be able to get her in there so that she can start on August 9,although we were hoping to have her start this Monday. Since she can't, wepray that Jamie will be willing to watch her for one more week in themeantime. If not, we pray that You will bring us someone who would bewilling to. Help us to not stress about this and trust in You.Thank you for the blessings that you have given us.