Thursday, October 11, 2012

Giving it ALL to You...

Lord, so much is weighing on me lately.  I went to a retreat at the end of September and came back with a changed mindset.  Listening to those mamas talk and listening to their stories and hearing tidbits that sounded like my own children in the middle of it spoke to me.  One mama said her therapist told her "when you start running your house like an institution, it's time for that child to be IN the institution."  It resonated with me...I cried over it to that mama the next morning...but I realized the truth.  It's ok, if they need to get help somewhere else...I came home with that in my mind.  I shared it with my husband and I also had a big heart-to-heart with my son about it.

I prayed for each and every one of my children, and God gave me each and every one of my children.  I am so thankful for the gift of being Mom and I can only hope and pray that one day each and every one of my children will have a healthy attachment to me and Andy and truly want to be a part of our family.  I want that SO badly.  It's eating me up inside with what we're dealing with and not knowing how to cope with it all.  Josiah comes off that bus and is a ball of anger from the minute he walks into the door until the time he goes to bed.   My head and heart hurt from listening to him squeel because he's not getting his way.  He thinks he is the one in control all of the time...when he's told to do something and he plain and simply doesn't want to...we have a battle of the wills and he rages.  Lord, take the angerness out of this precious little boy.  Heal his hurts and his heart and let him accept our love.

The holidays are heart doesn't want to deal with it all.  We have company coming in...I don't want to deal with making dinner for everyone, having to push our schedule back and dealing with the effects of that on the kids for dinner, dealing with triggers for having extra people in our house.  The holidays are triggers in of itself for our family.  I'm trying not to be selfish and whatnot, I just wonder sometimes "what are you preparing us for?"  What is in our future?  We find ourselves in the role of being the center of our's something I've always wanted...I just didn't think we'd be in this role until we were grandparents.  I didn't expect that we'd be taking care of our children, parents at times, and siblings at times.  I didn't expect our house to have a revolving front door on it...I struggle with wanting down time with just my husband and having him all to myself...I struggle with feeling lonely...I struggle with not knowing what next step to take with my kids...plain and simply I'm struggling and I feel the weight of things on my shoulders.

I just want all of my kids to be healthy in body, mind, and spirit.  I wish sometimes that we would be asked to do things, instead of "hey, we're coming in and we'll be at your house for thanksgiving" and then "hey, so and so want to see people so they're coming to your house for turkey dinner too."  I wanted to do the holidays low key this we're in this different place and I'm trying to find it within me to do it all...I just don't want my kids to be triggered even more than what the holidays normally bring.  I don't want judgment from people who have chosen not to have kids and have NO clue about what we're dealing with and trying to cope with.  I don't want more drama and I'm scared of it.

I'm struggling with how the kids are behaving at home and struggling in school...I want to help them the best way possible...yet it bothers me that they don't seem to care about how they behave or that they're struggling.  The amount of things around here that are getting broken bothers me.  I realize that they're just material possessions...but it all adds up and I want them to start respecting their things and appreciating what they have.  I want them to care about learning and about doing things the right way...developing morals and a conscience.

I want the kids to start caring how they behave and realizing that they don't have to do every little thing that comes into their brain...that they have a free will and can choose to follow Your commandments and our rules.

I want SO much for them, but most of all I really want them to know You and want to do Your will for their life.  And I want SO badly for all of my kids to have a great relationship with Andy and I and to care about the sibling bonds with each other.  I want a close-knit family that is centered around You, Lord.

I don't want to have to send my kids away to get help...I want to keep them here at home and I want them to want to stay at home.  Please help me to do that.  Help me to break down the barriers and to help them heal.

Also, I pray for my health...please help me get my diabetes back in my knee to continue to heal...give me daily time with You to pray for my family and for my spiritual needs.  Help me with my weight loss.  Help me be thin and healthy again and give me will-power to stick with it.  Amen

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Monday, October 01, 2012

Blessings of my Children Day 1

This is my youngest little one, Melina.  She's 2 and just has this wonderful helping spirit about her.  She loves to help and alot of times does it without even having to be asked.  I pray that she will always have that helpful little spirit and always want to help those around her.  Thank you, Abba, for this precious little helper girl of mine.

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31 Days of Blessings of My Children

I'm going to write here each day through the month of October on the blessings that my children bring to me and I'm going to try to include a picture each day as well.