Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Five Accomplishments

Thank you for blessing me, Abba. Life is teaching me a lot.

What five things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?

learning to walk in faith with God...I've learned ever since I was at an early age that life is hard. I think that really hit me when my mother died when I was 8. But, I was always raised in church and God has gotten me through some very hard times in life. He continues to do that now and yes, there have been times that I have been awfully mad at him, but He takes that too. ;-) I'm forever grateful for my faith and even though there have been times that I've not spent time with Him like I should...He is still there for me waiting and this is an area in my life that I've been trying to work on for the last year or so. I am getting stronger in my faith though and that is a good thing.

Marrying my dear husband, Andy...there were people that didn't think we'd make it....and we've had our fair share of difficulties and we're still making it. I can't believe that we'll be married for 7 years as of September. I'm proud of our marriage and what we've become to one another. I just can't believe sometimes that we both had a vision of being married to one another in high school and here we are. I wouldn't trade him for anything. Yes, it's been hard, but I'm proud of us that we've weathered the storms and it only makes the good times that we go through that much better.

Having my beautiful daughter, Deidra. She was worth all the effort and more that we went through to have her. I think back on that time and wow was that a hard time in my life...the wondering if we were ever going to get the difficulty in carrying the way we both got so sick after her delivery...I still get choked up when I think about that time. I look at her all the time and still find myself getting teary to look at her. She's our beautiful little daughter and what a miracle she is. I don't know what I would do without her really. I can't imagine my life without her. She's added so much to my life and I couldn't ever love her more. She's a beautiful child inside and out.

Going back to school so that I can eventually stay at home with our's something that I really feel led to do. I miss being at home all the time and being there when Deidra really needs me. It's hard to find the time to study with everything else going on, but I'm slowly making it through. I know it will all be worth it in the end. Deidra thinks it's funny that I'm going to school like she is too.

And while we haven't totally succeeded in this accomplishment yet...adopting. The love that we already feel for these children overwhelms me at times. It's a chance to make our lives complete while helping 2 children have a better life and a family to call their own as well. I can't wait until I can hold them and bring them home and I know Andy and Deidra are just as excited as I am.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day, Mother Mary

Hi Abba, I just wanted to take a moment to wish your dearly beloved Mother Mary a happy Mother's Day. After all it is her day too. Happy Mother's Day, Dear wonderful it must be for you in Heaven today. Happy Mother's Day to Mom and Grandma too...let them know if you can how much I love them and think of them often.

I got an email from Andy's Mom today that very well could have ruined my Mother's Day. She was talking about how she couldn't support our foreign adoption and about how as a Mother she wanted to, but she knew it would be the worst thing that she could do and that there were just some things that we had to learn the hard way. My first thought wasn't very nice and I wanted to write her back and tell her to have a nice freaking Mother's Day too and I wanted to point out her wrongs in her face. Yes, maybe we were wrong in the fact to pursue adoption while we were still living here and now that we know that is what FIL would prefer (as well as the rest of the family's sentiments), we are going to do that, but I just can't believe how hurtful some people are being about us adopting. Abba, we're trying to follow the will you have for our lives. We're trying to do the right thing. I called Mom today to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and she could tell that I was feeling down and so I told her what happened. I asked her if she thought there was anything wrong about our adoption letter that we sent out and she said that she didn't see anything wrong with it all, but she thinks it would be better for us if we were in our own place too, and she knows that we're trying to make that happen now. Her and Sister Margaret had been praying a rosary and she put Margaret on the phone to talk to me. Margaret made me feel a lot better about my feelings and she said that we didn't have to like everything, but we needed to do the Christian thing and forgive and spend time in Thanksgiving and be thankful for all things. She told me to call MIL and wish her a Happy Mother's Day and knock her socks off. She told me too that a lot of people were mean to her too with all the horrible things that she had to watch her Jesus go through, but Mary just wanted to follow God's will for her life. She made me laugh about the situation and I realized that this was just yet another stone in the road...maybe a test for what we have ahead for us...but no matter what anyone says about anything we need to proceed with what God is telling us to do and that He will pave that road ahead of us and open doors for us that we didn't even know existed. We just need to go forth in faith and trust in Him and when it's time...we will know. What my MIL said hurt us, Abba, but I'm choosing to forgive her and set another foot forward. When I got that email, I wanted to be quick to point out what she did to her own family and I don't think she understands the hurts that she's caused from all of that even to this day and it's been a few years. But, I know I had to do the right thing and leave it alone. I'll just bring my anger to you and leave my hurts at Your Feet. I choose to forgive her and I'm going to try to leave my anger and hurt behind me as I take another blind step forward.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Hurting Heart

I still have a hurting heart over what happened yesterday. We didn't get the chance to talk to FIL last night as he never came downstairs like he normally does. I don't know if that means he knows that we overheard or if it doesn't mean anything, but Abba, help us sort this out tonight. Andy doesn't see how we're going to be able to move until fall as D needs to be in school, but I told him that we have to find a way. I can't stay in a house that doesn't support what we're doing. And I can't just give up, as many times as that's crossed my mind today, I realized that hurts more and that I owe it to these little babies to fight for them. I had to fight for Deidra too, as the family wasn't very supportive even back then. I should have expected this. Once again, our friends are the more supportive ones. I should have known that would be the case even now. Help us get through this, Abba, and help us know what the right thing to do is, and help us find somewhere to live on our own where we can be happy and pursue what You want for us. I love You, Abba, and I lay all this down in your You mind if I lay my head down and rest in your lap for awhile too? I put my trust in You and I give my troubles to You. I know You will help us sort this out and figure out what is right.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Unsupportive People

Hi Abba. My heart is hurting and I'm going to come to You with it. We went to a family gathering today for Andy's cousin, Rachel. She's going to Arizona to go to college and leaves on Wednesday, so it was a good-bye party for her. We had sent out our adoption letters on Friday morning (well Round 1 anyway...I didn't have time to address the rest, so Round 2 is going out tomorrow). Well, apparently the family had received theirs. I had no way of knowing as nobody really said anything to our faces about it. However, we were sitting on the couch with Deidra playing with her and the other cousins and I happened to overhear Andy's Dad talking to Andy's step grandmother, Ila. They were talking about Deidra and she had asked if we left her with him while we were at work and he said that she went to daycare during the day. This whole conversation unfolded then about how she was surprised to get the letter that we were going to adopt while we were still living with him and how he needed to be charging us rent and all this other stuff. I sat there hearing bits and pieces and the tears just started brimming in my eyes. From the very get go, we've offered to pay rent and half the utilities. FIL has always refused our offers saying that as long as we kept the house clean for him and took care of things, that that was paying for our keep as he really didn't have time for all that when he had to sleep during the day. Anyway, all this stuff came out from both of them that was extremely hurtful to me and I looked at Andy (him unknowing this conversation was even going on) and said "we need to go." He asked me why, thinking I was having bleeding problems. I said that we needed to go to the grocery store and basically played it off. We got out to the car and said "you know that house on the end of the road that we were going to call about and see how much they wanted for rent, well it's time to do that." And I told him some of the things that I heard and some of the things that I thought I heard but may have understood. He was completely quiet for awhile and I told him that it took everything that I had to not stand up in that room and scream at them that we were right there and if they had problems with some things that we wanted to do that they could say it to our faces rather than talk about us behind our backs." I will not stay in a house that can not support us. His family has done plenty of hurtful things to me and towards our family, not caring about what they've caused or done and I've continually tried to mend the fences and support them even if I didn't necessarily agree with things.

We have some things to figure out monetary wise with me working. If D doesn't go to KinderCare, that's a rent payment right there, but we have some things to figure out. But, it's time for us to move out. I told Andy that I was stupid for thinking that if we stayed here until the adoption was complete that we could just put more away for the adoptions and that maybe we should just throw in the towel now since everyone seems to be against us doing this because of the hard times that we've had financially. He looked at me and said that we're not giving up and that our feet are planted firmly on the ground again and that if we have to do this without any help from our families then we will. Our friends have always been there for us. I sat and cried. I told him that we're talking to his Dad tonight, I want to get everything out on the table and I want to know why he told us that our plans were ok with him and then for me to overhear him saying things to Ila that just stabbed me to the core...unless I heard something wrong, but I honestly don't think that's the case. Andy told me that we'll keep fundraising for the adoption and keep putting money away for it and we'll figure out some way for me to drop down to part-time so that D won't have to go to school as much and we'll have the money for the rent payment or for the house payment. If we can buy something cheap enough, we'll just do that with the goal of doing what we really want to do with the land and the house we really want and wanted to build once the babies came in 2-5 years. I'm just glad that I truly have Andy's support, but it doesn't stop the hurt that I feel deep down. I should have known though that his family has never truly supported us in anything that we did or do. I should have known better. But, it's truly time for us to go on our way. It feels like a setback in our adoption timeframe, but I know that we'll still accomplish our goals...with or without support...we will do this.