Hard Night

Hi Abba. I had a really hard night last night. I've been trying to have time with Andy all week. We wound up getting into a little argument yesterday and I just felt off anyway for not getting a whole lot of sleep the other night. We worked through that and then I was trying to get him to come to bed with me and he kept acting like he just didn't want to. This has been a pattern all week. I came out and asked him why he wasn't attracted to me anymore and why I'm alays the one that has to initiate anything. He couldn't answer me. I went upstairs and got a drink and came back down and crawled into bed. He came in and asked me if I wanted him to be honest although it was going to be painful for him to say it. He's worried about my weight and the possible things that could go wrong and he wants me on Herbalife and he thought I owed that to him and Deidra. I asked him why it had to be Herbalife, when I can't stand the thought of having to have 2 shakes a day when I'd rather do Atkins and I had better luck with that before anyway. It made me upset too because I've put my health on the line for so long...why?...because of the guilt trips he used to give me about money. For pete's sake...I bled for 2 months straight before I even went in to have the surgery I needed...I didn't go to the endocrinologist for thyroid meds even though I was told to not go off the stuff again...because of the money for the appt and the blood tests and the meds that I would need. Basically, it boils down to the fact that I don't think he finds me very attractive to him anymore and I was just extremely hurt. I've been trying to exercise for 30 minutes a day all this week...I've made some and not made some depending on my work schedule that day. I've gone back to my motto of "you can't change his feelings, but you can change how you react to them." I cried a lot last night and he kept telling me over and over that he loved me or he wouldn't worry, and I believe that deep down, but at the same time I almost feel like he doesn't love me for what and who I am if he can't love me like this. I'm putting myself back on Atkins and I'm going to keep exercising and I just need help with willpower, Abba. Help me to do this. There's things that Andy has done that I haven't liked during our relationship, but I never would have thought to push him away for it. It just hurts. He told me that he didn't mean to hurt me if he did, but I asked him and he felt that he needed to be honest with me. I told him that I thought I needed to pull away for now and that if he wanted me to let me know as I'm not going to him anymore (at least for awhile). I think I have a hole in my heart..... Help me...