The primal scream...

Friday, this Momma let out a big primal scream. The kids were all going crazy at once, I would say no, they would do it anyway, Josiah gave bubbles to Melina again (even though literally 5 seconds earlier I took them away and told them that we don't do that in the house and we'd do them outside in a little bit) and while I was trying to go get them they wound up being thrown, went all over my couch, splashed off and wound up going all over the recliner with Tracie in it too. Emma's going through a huge phase where she wants to talk like a baby, doesn't want to listen, and encourages Melina to do bad things. Josiah's whining and throwing fits and rages all over everything, having accidents, not happy about...STUPID stuff. Not once in awhile...more like every 5 minutes. Anyway, the minute those bubbles went all over all I could do was let out this primal scream. I knew we needed to leave the house and so we went to the park to burn off some energy and to gain a new perspective. All last week, with the expection of Thursday, was nuts. Dealing with nothing but misbehaving. Andy about went crazy with them just during dinner time every night. All I kept saying was try having them over 12 hours a day before getting a break. It's been a little hectic...I know it's the full moon. It can be overtime now. They're beautiful, but boy does it wreak havoc on my kids. Today, we left the house in hopes of not dealing with so many behavior problems. It was hectic, but it semi-worked. We went to the bakery and got gluten-free cupcakes as a treat, went shopping for a 4th of July outfit for Deidra, went and played at the dinosaur park, and then the whining started from Josiah that he was hot and sweaty and he needed to eat and he wanted breadsticks from the italian restaurant. We stopped in one more store and he started running up and down the aisles and just as I was scolding him, he tripped and fell. I told him that natural consequences are God's ways of helping Mom's. That's why we don't run in the stores. Turned around and couldn't find Melina and just about had a heart attack. She went in the middle of the clothes rack to play hide and seek and pulled the clothes around her. I almost started to cry. Thankfully, Emma noticed her little feet sticking out. We left and Josiah started really whining that he was hot and hungry and he wanted to eat at the restaurant. I told him that we'd go home and eat lunch and the drama got even worse. We got to the van and got everyone in he kept whining and whining. Finally got home, got some mac and cheese made and the kids fed...didn't even get a chance to eat myself and he was whining that he needed something else. I asked him to sit and wait patiently. I got a call from my Dad saying that his U-Haul payment was overdue. I said that's not possible as we set it up as automatic payment and he has the money in the acct. He asked me to call for him. It wasn't what I wanted to deal with, but I did it for him trying to be the good daughter. They were supposed to have a manager call me to take an e-check payment as I couldn't even give them my card since my brother has it. My Dad wound up calling and he got all mad that they were going to charge him the late fee and started telling me how tired he is of bills and late payments when he's over 1000 miles away and how he felt like just blowing his head off and not dealing with it all anymore. I told him that obviously I take care of his bills and I get them paid on time. He says wherever he turns people want money from him. He got involved in an international dating scam over the last year and wouldn't listen to me when I kept telling him it was a scam. Finally, I was able to pull up some more info last month and he got looking at something I showed him and he finally believes me now. I won't go into great detail about what all happened as that's his business. But, I just felt like he takes out his problems on me sometimes. I could sit and cry. Anyway, to make a long story short, they got the problem taken care of with the late bill. Dad was mad about them still charging the late fee and semi-apologized for being a grouch. I no sooner hang up with that, Josiah starts in on the tantruming again. Deidra's friend had come over to ask if she could hang out for awhile, he wanted to go for a bike ride and I told him that we'd do that later when it wasn't quite so hot outside. Deidra left with her friend and he started throwing a fit that he couldn't go on a walk with them. I told him that they weren't going for a walk, they were going to her friend's house. He threw something at me. I picked him up and he wanted to throw himself backwards so I put him up against the couch and told him in a very firm voice that we do NOT throw things at me just because he's not getting his way. Then, he decided to up the drama and started screaming that I was about to break his arm. I had a hold of his arm to keep him from running off, but I wasn't in any way shape or form about to break his arm. I finally told him, you hurt someone, you go up in your room. I give him 15 minutes and he'll be asleep. I get downstairs and Emma's making Melina scream left and right...they think it's funny to lay down flat, make her sit on their chest or face. I don't find it appropriate and I keep telling them to have her sit next to them. She kept talking baby talk and telling Melina that she smelled like poo poo and Mommy needed to change her. I finally got to the bottom of the stairs and took her to change her diaper and there's no poop in there. I wound up sending Emma to her room. Then, Tracie starts yelling at me to change the channel. I asked her if that's how we ask. She started pouting. I told her if she wanted to pout, she was welcome to go to her room or she could use her big girl words and ask nicely. Thankfully, she chose to use her big girl words. Melina started throwing a fit about something. I scooped her up, grabbed her blanket, got her a bottle and deposited her in her crib. Josiah's yelling at me from his room that I never let them do anything. I told him that we do stuff all of the time, the problem with him is that anytime he has to wait even a minute for something or he can't get his way or what he wants, that's a problem for him. I came back downstairs to try to clean up lunch and I just feel like letting that primal scream come out again. However, I practiced some self-control and I didn't. I just told Tracie to sit nicely and give me some time to myself as Mommy needed some time to herself. So, here I sit. God please help me to be more patient, help the kids settle down somewhat, and want to be more well-behaved. They can do it. I know they can. Give my Dad some peace about things. Please let Andy be able to leave a little early from work today too.

New that was going to happen...

Andy's Mom had asked me what she was supposed to do when the kids wanted to sit on her lap or do things with them. I told her to start looking at how the kids treat Andy and I and redirect them back to us. All week Josiah has been pleading to sit on Grandma's lap. I've sat down and offered to have him sit with me, it turns into a fit that he starts throwing. I know that he's not the cuddly kid that he's trying to pretend to be...our attachment therapist knows that too. He's going to act ugly and keep Andy and I at bay for as long as he can...he does this stuff with his teacher as well sometimes. I went upstairs to help Andy with something and Tracie had been trying all afternoon to glom onto Grandma. She ignores Andy and I too. Nevermind, our attachment therapist has had several talks with her about it and has told her over and over again that if she wants hugs or to get her happy's back, that she needs to come to Mommy or Daddy. I came down and who's sitting in Grandma's lap...Tracie. I knew my blow-up wasn't going to get across. Our therapist had tried to get my Mother-in-Law to attend therapy sessions for several months and she wouldnt' have anythign to do with it. The therapist told us, that she knew that she was part of the problem if she was going to be that way. I think that's true. I told her during our blow-out that I feel like I'm just another child in this house. Nobody listens to a darn thing that I say. I try to play with my baby, my Mother-in-Law steps in. I try to talk to my husband, my MIL has to get in that conversation too. I try to discipline the kids, their behaviors go up and over the top with the added audience of my MIL. When it's just me with the kids at home, yes we have our behavior problems still, but it's not to the extent that it is when my MIL is home. I've just really had enough. I told Andy that I was going to start calling the manipulation out when I see it. If it makes my MIL mad, then she can move out sooner. I've honestly had enough. And the sad thing is that I'm not really calling my MIL out on it, I'm trying to point out the kids manipulation. Josiah got mad this week when I called his out. He even admitted that he goes to Grandma to hurt me and that he goes to Grandma to see if he can get what he wants. He goes to Grandma also because he knows that Mommy won't play his games. Also why he acts ugly to Mommy and Daddy. But, I also know that if he's going to get better, we need to go back to living without having guests here and so I know it's time that she needs to find her own place.

Sprained the Knee

Andy and his Dad went to an advanced weather spotting class and my plan was to stay home with the kids, get the house cleaned up with their help, and then we were going to go get some stuff to do some spring crafts and decorate the mantle (I'm embarrassed to say it's still decorated with the nativity scene and snowmen). Anyway, 15 minutes after Andy and his Dad left, I was getting the kids dressed and turned around from setting the timer on the microwave (they get 5 minutes to get dressed or it turns into a 20-30 minute session with them dawdling) and slipped on a baby wipe and fell. I heard something pop and I've never howled so badly in my life. Once I got over howling and sat on the floor, I realized that it hurt too badly to move. I texted my friend sicne she's an ER nurse and told her what happened. My knee was already swelling pretty badly. I wondered if I had tore something or popped my knee cap out of place. She told me to ice it for a couple of hours and take some motrin and if it wasn't better in a couple of hours to go in to have it looked at as I would need a knee immobilizer. I tried to move, but it hurt too badly, so I had the kids gather stuff for me. I was still sobbing like a baby but I knew that I had to call Andy somehow to let him know what happened. They could barely understand me. I got my Mom to come over so that they could finish their class and she thought I was goign to have to call the paramedics to get me off the floor. With my lovely insurance, I didn't want to deal with that bill, so I declined it. When I had to go to the bathroom badly and couldn't hold it, I made myself get up although I was swearing and crying (not like me at all) the whole time. I wound up having to pee in a pot. How embarrasssing, but I couldn't walk to the bathroom. My Mom took care of the kids and made them lunch and Andy took me to the ER when he got home and Mom stayed with the kids. They said it was just a sprain and I got the knee immobilizer and they sent me home with 2 pain meds and an anti-inflammatory. They told me the more I stayed off of it, the faster I'd heal. Andy stayed home with me on Monday as I wasn't comfortable telling my in-laws to help me in the bathroom and I couldn't do much for myself. My MIL and FIL took turns running Tracie to and from school for me as since it's my right knee I can't drive. Getting out of the van to go to the ER was hard enough and I'm not in a hurry to do it again anyway. So, I've had to have some help and I've had to do more than what I've wanted to do with chasing after kids too. I'm grateful to have help, I just don't think anyone realizes the amount of pain that I've been in and maybe I'm partial because he is my hubby, but he's taken the best care of me. Please bless him, Abba, he's been under lots of stress this week with things going on at work, juggling the kids, and having to take care of me too. I know it's been frustrating for him at times. But, I love my hubby and I'm grateful.

Hard for him to see...

So my Dad has been staying with us since last Thursday. Everytime he comes in town, he has to make comments that we are too strict on our kids. He claims they can't do anything without us griping at them about something. They can't eat without us saying "don't smack, don't shove your mouth so full, concentrate on your own food, don't eat with your mouth open." They can't play in the house without them saying "we don't run in the house, we don't jump on the furniture, don't hit your sister, don't do this, don't do that." We have rules for a reason, and we want them to act politely and nicely. That's being too strict? He commented that Josiah was walking all over our couch pillows (the throw ones) and Andy had to ask him "do we do that?" I said "we've had to tell them that we don't sit on the pillows or walk all over them...they're for laying your head on." They're ripping them apart with having to push their fingers into the seams, jumping on them, and so forth. Last night we found out that Tracie is digging a hole into the ceiling. My Dad said "she didn't do that, what kid does that?" I told him that if he didn't believe me, I'd show him when he was done at the doctor. Andy was nice and bought them a rug for their room...Deidra said one day that they had ripped their rug. I said "how do you rip a rug like theirs and so she brought it down for me to see. They didn't rip it, but because their hands are always busy, they had tore all the threads out all the way through the middle. Tracie got a pillow pet and didn't even have it a month and had holes all poked into it because she jabs her hands into the seams. It's just stuff like that. I told my Dad that yes, some of it is just being kids and we can let that go. But, the total lack of respect for what the rules are when it plays over into issues at school and stuff like that...I don't think that's ok to let go. I understand that accidents happen, but most kids learn from that, they don't do it again and again and again. I just find it funny that we're trying to enforce boundaries with the kids and he keeps telling me "they're all right, they're just being kids." I shut up and 2 minutes later he's yelling at them for the same thing. There's a reason why we do and say the things that we do to them. That's all I'm saying. He gets mad and I just have to look at him and smile. I keep saying that I'm not going to let him get to me and today he got to me and I've been playing things over and over. Now, I'm going to try to let it go...I put it into your Hands, Abba. Please help me to shape and mold my kids in the way that You want them to grow. And please help my Dad to see what we are trying to do with our kids.

UGH

My father-in-law is in the process of driving down here and should be here in a few hours. Trying to do last minute decluttering and laundry and the littles are flipping/flopping/badgering each other/anything they can do to push each other's buttons. I gave Josiah some little gadget to keep him busy and while it kept him occupied for a bit, now all I'm hearing is "I can't do it." Anyway, Melina has been really fussy all day long. I thought maybe she was constipated but she pooped a whole lot and has continued to be fussy. I went to feed her and she shoved the bottle out of her mouth and she's been rubbing at her ear. I'm wondering now if it's an ear infection and since it's Friday, I didn't want her to suffer through the weekend, so I called to see about getting her in. They're going to see her this afternoon. I went to call Andy to let him know what was going on and he says "I'm talking to my Dad, I'll call you back." So, while I'm on hold he's trying to call me back, but I was waiting to hear our appt time. So, I call him back and finally tell him that I think Melina's got another ear infection and he blew up at me. He's busy, he hasn't stopped all day, and now he's got to leave to meet me at the doctors. Blah, blah, blah. I told him that I didn't ask him to meet me (nevermind the fact that he was going to leave early if his dad got here anyway) and that I was capable of taking them by myself. Then,he changed his tune and said that it's just been one of those days and that he wasn't promising me anything, but that he'd do his best to meet me there. It's funny how I wasn't having the greatest afternoon, but I was semi-holding myself together and I got that one little attitude from him and now I'm on the verge of tears. So, either way I'm going to bring them all with me to the doctor. It's always hectic when I have to bring them all with me...I just have to prepare myself for that ahead of time. I can do it though...I've done it before many times.

Tired of being judged...

by people who I think would be on my side. My Mom had e-mailed me yesterday to let me know that it was the feast day of the Immaculate Conception and that it was a holy day of obligation. She said mass was at 12 and at 7 pm. Well, Baby T had speech at noon and we have therapy in Dallas after school and with traffic we didn't make it back on time. I've still been feeling pretty miserable...sick with some allergy/cold stuff this weekend that carried over, and tired and nauseated from being pregnant. So, I just decided to turn on EWTN before I took Little E to school and we watched mass and said a rosary. I told MOm that we weren't making mass because of what was going on. She told me "sorry, but that doesn't count." I instantly got tears in my eyes. I get so hurt by my family sometimes. I feel like saying "why don't you come walk in my shoes for a week and deal with all that I have going on, all the things that get dumped on me to deal with, the last minute stuff that comes up, and being tired and nauseated on top of it all?" I called Andy and vented and I sat down and it was like God told me "don't worry about it, give your feelings to Me, I know your heart and what your intentions are." I instantly felt better. The comment from my Mom still stings, but I know that only God can truly judge me and it's not like I blew off Mass just because I felt like doing something else more fun...I was taking care of my kids and my family. It brought me back to Father's sermon a couple weeks back...he was talking about how some have gone to confession saying that they are guilty of not praying enough and Father asked them waht they were doing...they said that they had this going on with their kids, trying to take care of the house, their husbands, sick family members and so on. He said that God understands this and that we just need to say little prayers throughout the day or make what we're doing our prayer to God. I knew that God understood my heart and I did make the effort to watch on tv and to make time for prayer with the kids. I also told her that our old priest had told me that if there was an honest reason that we couldn't make it to Mass and we made the effort to watch Mass on tv, that it still counted. She wrote me back and said "well the rules are changing all the time, we're told one thing at once and one thing at another, but who am I to argue with a priest?" I just feel like nobody truly understands how busy my weeks are and that I'm trying my best to get in everything that needs to be done, but God keeps telling me..."I know the intentions of your heart." So, I have to trust that I'm doing ok.

A crazy day...

The littles all woke up full of energy, yelling, screaming, badgering one another, not playing nicely, tempers a going, and into everything. I put Baby T to bed 15 minutes after she woke up this morning because she couldn't stop crying and screaming. After she calmed down, she did a lot better. Josiah wouldn't stop whining and running all over the house and he wouldn't leave Little E alone. Little E wouldn't stop hitting and trying to take toys from the other kids and it was all just constant. Little E finally settled down once I gave her her ADHD meds this afternooon, Josiah got put to bed because he wouldn't stop whining and he fell asleep in his bed. Baby T didn't want to take a nap in her room, she wanted to lay on the couch. I told her I'd let her lay on the couch, but the minute she got down, she was going to go in her room. She laid there for a few minutes, the phone rang and I was talking to a friend for about 20 minutes. I heard something sound like somebody poured water onto the floor and went around the kitchen wall to find that Baby T was in the little bathroom playing in the sink. Water and toilet paper were in the sink, toilet paper clogged the drain, so water was pouring over the sides of the sink and onto the floor. She was all wet and there was standing water on the floor. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad of a mess and I was able to get it all sopped up with most of my towels that I had just washed that I had downstairs. I got her out of her wet clothes and put her to bed. She wasn't too happy about it, but oh well. She was sound asleep a couple minutes later though and I went to work on cleaning up the mess that she made. I'm just glad that it wasn't as bad as the last over-flowing bathroom incident that we had almost 2 years ago that Josiah and Baby D made. UGH

Leave it to lack of sleep...

I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 1:45. Came downstairs and watched some tv. Deidra got up around 3:30. She laid with me on the couch for about a half an hour. I've been coughing my head off and just feel like I'm burning up, although I have no fever. Sweat is just rolling off of me. Anyway, at 4, I put Deidra back to bed and tried to go back to bed myself. I tossed and turned and finally fell asleep. Andy's alarm went off and he got in the shower and I figured I better get up (I'm thinking it was 6 am) as I need to get Deidra to school early so I can take the others to the sitters as I have to go to Corsicana for a meeting for the girls this morning. Andy informs me it's super early and it's only a little before 5 am. I asked him if he was planning on going in early and he says yes. I sighed and off he went. The front door opens and shuts and all of a sudden I hear feet hit the floor. Yup, all 3 of the littles wanted to be up. I deal with temper tantrums as I put them back to bed and I called Andy. He's going on and on about how every time he goes in early it's a problem. I blew up...I told him that I had been handling it fine when he warns me the night before and that usually I haven't been up half the night and just managing to get some rest again before he does this to me. He started arguing with me and I told him "well, you didn't talk to me for half the night last night, how was I supposed to know?" Come to find out he was mad at me like I thought. All over a situation that I wasn't totally comfortable with and didn't want to do this weekend the way that he wanted me to do it. I told him I see how I rate...no anniversary gift or even a card...yes dinner was nice...we had a better night than we did the day together. And then, he had told me when he gave me my birthday cards and new jammies yesterday morning that he had something else for me after he got home from work. When I asked about it last night, he said he never had a chance to go get it. So, I told him that I just wasn't really feeling like I was a real prioritiy right now. It's all about what he wants lately...he can't even make me feel special on our anniversary or my birthday and this weekend...he wants to go buy another carboy so he can brew. It takes all day. I don't know why he can't ever do some things here and there, but nope, he's brewing on an every other weekend schedule now. And I'm emotional about what's going on today, I'm hurt at how he's treated me on our anniversary and then on my birthday...add something that somebody had said to me yesterday about foster care and add the lack of sleep to it....God, help me get through this day. You know my heart and my desires. You know what is best for the girls. Please just help me get through this day smoothly and not let us run into any problems. I'm praying that I will be back in time as well to get the kids from respite and then get the girls from school and then get the girls to play therapy.

Too busy of a Thursday...

Got up and took Deidra to school. Came home and got the littles ready so we could take the girl's to their visit. Got down there on time and spent some time at the park with Josiah and the girl's little brother's fostermom and her 2 little ones. Then, ran back to get the kids from their visit and gave Little E her lunch in the car. Got on the road as I had the exact time I needed to get her to school on time. Made it into town and decided to take a bit different of a route to get her to school. I got off the highway and turned and went over the bridge. Passed a policeman and didn't think anything of it. Got into the part where the speed limit changes to 30 and I slow down. Get further up the road almost to our foster care agency and see flashing lights behind me. I honestly had no idea what I did. I was trying to get the littles to calm down as they were thinking about taking off their seatbelts so they could twist around better to see the police car. Finally, they calmed down and the policeman was looking at the kids and then he asked me for my license and registration. I gave them to him and then he said "you were going 45 mph in a 30 zone." I told him that I thought it was 45 back when you got off the highway and turned into 30 just before the residential part of the road. He tells me that it's 30 all down the road...goes back to his car and writes me the ticket. I was praying that he'd forgive me. No such luck and what ticked me off is that I honestly didn't know. Anyway, Little E is hollering that she needs to go to school. I tell her that it looks like she's going to be late for school. Police officer comes back and hands me the ticket and tells me that I have until the 17 to contact the court. I ask him if there's a reason that I need to do that. He gives me a weird look (I'm sure he thought I was dumb) and tells me that "that's how you're going to pay your ticket." He has me sign it and puts me on my way. I could have cried. I got Little E to school just before they were going to close the doors. I text Andy that I got a ticket. He calls me back and I tell him that I can't talk as I'm in the school zone and don't need another ticket. I get home and tell him what happened and he finds online that the roads in TX that aren't posted are automatically 30 mph. I feed Josiah and Baby T their lunch and put them down for a nap. They fought it, but it gave me some time to spend in God's Word and recoop. Then, I had to run and get the girls from school and get over to our agency for play therapy. The kids were being rotten for the first part of play therapy while we were waiting, so I took them to the car and decided to go back up the road to see where the police officer said the speed limit was posted. I took my route up the service road and exited and there's no sign until the one that I saw and slowed down. So, he literally got me speeding just as I crossed the bridge over the highway. Went back to our agency to get the girl's from play therapy and came home to make some dinner and was so happy to hear Little E ask if I could make some corn. When she first came to us, she hated her veggies and she's slowly learning to like some of them. :-) We ate dinner and then the kids picked up a little bit and then they went to bed. We worked on some homework stuff with Deidra that she had gotten wrong and then did nightly devotions with her. After she went to bed, I had a glass of Lambrusco with Andy and then went to bed myself. I was beat. Wednesday, I was in bed by 9 pm. Last night I was in bed by 10 pm. UGH

Things...

I talked to my Dad about my Mom...I got a wonderful phone call this morning from a wonderful new friend that carried me all throughout my day...and I also got an email from my Mom. She told me how she's filled with resentment and spite right now (gee, I couldn't tell) and how our Bible study meeting was really hard for her. She said she constantly wanted to walk out of the room and scream at the women around her because they all had opportunities that she didn't have. I didn't email her back and later she texted me wanting to know why I hadn't answered her email. I decided to tell her very briefly that I was hurt and why. She wrote me back saying "gee whiz, Jess, I know you've come to love those kids." Then, later she wanted to know how court went. In some ways, I think she does this to protect her own heart from hurting when any of our kids leave. But, I've still decided that I'm going to be a bit distant with her. I love her to death, I really do. And I know she's got a lot on her plate that she's trying to deal with, so I'm going to try and not take it so personally. Instead I'll lift her in prayer. She's worried about her job as she still doesn't know what the owner of her dealership is going to do. She's lonely as my brother, Jimmie, just went off to college. She's confused about what to do with my Dad and what she wants out of all that. I know she's got a lot she's trying to figure out, but I just can't let the extra stress get in the way of what I want out of my own life right now. So, I lift her up in prayer and I'll be distant for awhile.

My gosh...

I hate family drama...I'll admit that I have some jealousy issues going on. My brother Jimmie is going to a very expensive college and my parents are just giving him everything left and right. It angers me that I couldn't go where I really wanted to go because my parents couldn't afford to send me there (interesting enough, my tuition would have been a tiny bit cheaper than my brother's is now) and I was told that if I wanted to go to college I needed to go to the one's in town and I was going to be the one who paid for it. I did...which is why I had to drop out when it came time to do my nursing clinicals. I couldn't do clinicals, work, and go to school... I completed my sophomore year and then did a summer session to retake a couple of my classes that I wanted to do better in...I had to drop out even though I had all A's going because my parents weren't willing to help and I didn't have that portion of the tuition money. I was short a couple hundred dollars.

Anyway, Jimmie is going to college now. I'm trying to be excited for him, but at the same time I'm really jealous that anything and everything he has ever wanted, he just gets handed to him. He doesn't have to be responsible like I had to be at that age. He doesn't have things that are expected of him and he's never really held accountable for anything. They gave him a small football scholarship and he's taking out some student loans and he also got a pell grant for being in resource classes through school. They told him he's going to have to keep his studies up to keep it, but they do have tutoring available as well if he needs it. I'm really surpised that he got in when I looked at their grade requirements and test requirements. Regardless, I'm happy for him but I am fighting some jealousy. I need to quit. However, my Mom called me last week a couple days before Jimmie was leaving and says "Dad said he's going to give Jimmie some money for college, so can you swing by the bank and bring it over to me?" I hadn't heard anything about it, so I ask her how much and she tells me. It's funny, it's about 5 times as much as what Dad told me last week that he thought Jimmie's weekly budget should have been. Didn't say anything, ran to the bank, did the withdrawal, and ran it over to her. She asks me when I got there "well, at least one kid of mine gets to go to college. Are you at least happy for your brother?" I told her that I was, but I was also struggling with being jealous. She said she could understand that, but then again he didn't have a wife who made $70k and he just got to stay at home and do whatever he wanted either. I sat there for a minute trying to figure out what she was saying, when it struck me that she was referencing Andy and I. She has no idea of what Andy makes, but even if she did...it just struck a chord with me. I bit my tongue and Deidra and I left shortly after. I came home and told Andy and he said "I think she has some jealousy issues of her own." I told Andy though...when my parents moved to Texas, they left me in MI without a job (I had just lost my job as I was supposed to be in my best friend's wedding and work had me scheduled. I had asked for it off and they wouldn't give it to me. Well, I wasn't just going to not be in her wedding after the dress was already bought and her wedding was the next day and we had been best friend's forever. So, they told me not to come back. My parents were supposed to be moving on Sunday for TX and I got a call at my friend's wedding reception as an emergency phone call. They were leaving right then. If I wanted to say good-bye, I could come home right then. If I didn't want to leave, they'd talk to me later. They knew I just lost my job and had nothing lined up yet and we had literally just walked into the reception hall. I wasn't going to leave the wedding and was horribly mad at me for putting me in that situation. My Mom has apologized to me since then for the way they left me like that, but I just see a lot of double standards lately in the way that I was raised (I think that's one big reason that I have troubles asking for help now...I was never given that option growing up...I did it myself or I didn't do it at all.) My brothers have no problem spending money, not being responsible, and they don't take much seriously. Dad told them a couple weeks back not to ask him for any help with paying for college, if he was going to college, he was going to have to work for it and pay for it like I did. Yet, this week...nope, they're both fumbling all over to give him money, this or that and everything else. Dad says now "I can't keep this from him, he just wants to play football, if I keep him from this he's only going to resent me for it later...your Mom and I have hurt him and Zach too much in the past, I can't do this to him on top of it all."

So, I sit here trying to hand it all over to God. Jimmie moved 2 1/2 hours away to go to college on Sunday. My Mom thinks I'm going through some empty nest syndrome too as I said I was going to miss him. He's been different after he graduated from school. We used to hang out quite a bit...I've only seen him a handfull of times since he graduated now...Mom said I've always been his 2nd Mom and she thinks I'm just getting some empty nest syndrome going on with not wanting him to go. I don't know what it is, but saying my feelings has always been hard for me. I'm trying to be supportive and honest at the same time and yet I find her comments back to me very hurtful. I guess too, I'm going through my own things...I don't have any help or support from her...yet she can be awfully critical at times. I want her to be the Grandma to my kids that I had from my own Grandmother growing up, yet she's gotta be in the right mood it seems to be Grandma. She talks about how selfish she sees Andy sometimes or she can criticize something I do with Deidra, yet it's not ok for me to do it (I let Deidra spend the night at someone's house on a Saturday night and miss church on Sunday), yet I can't tell you the last time my brother's have been to church. Just stuff like that. And the other thing that has Andy really kind of upset is that she kept saying she'd fill out her paperwork and get her background check and CPR class done so that she could come and sit for the kids so Andy and I could go out to dinner after the littles are in bed once in awhile. She said she'd do that for us, if I got background checked and went through safe environment training to help teach her Sunday catechism classes in the church. I did my part, and now she's backed out of doing hers. She doesn't want to deal with the repercussions if any of the kids got hurt or something happened while she was watching them. I told her, nothing would happen, if she waits til they are in bed and even if it did, we'd just write up an incident report. She still says "no."

But, I really did find her comments to be a bit hurtful. I knew if I really responded to it though, we'd wind up in a huge family spat. So, I keep trying to hand it over to God and try not to take anything personally. I'm really trying to get over being jealous. He takes his placement test this morning. They wanted his ACT and TAKS scores, but he never took the ACT test and he couldn't pass the TAKS test so he was excluded from taking it. So, all in all, I do wish him the best and I'll keep praying about it.

And Saturday morning, I had texted my brother and told him that he better come and say his good-byes to me before he left. THey had been in town on Friday night doing school shopping and never bothered to stop by. He texted me a little after 8 pm asking if I was hungry. I had said that I had already eaten and he responded with "ok, then." I was home with the kids by myself at that time anyway so I couldn't have left even if I wanted to. Saturday, he texts me back saying that he had tried to tell me good-bye on Friday night. I explained the situation and he said he'd stop over. I didn't see him all day Saturday. Saturday night around 8:15, I get a text from Mom "Jimmis leaves tomorrow." I wrote her back and told her that I knew that and that I had already talked to him that morning. Meanwhile, I get a text from Jimmie "I left and I'm coming back next weekend so I'll just see you then." Mom writes me back and tells me that he's at the house. I told her I'd have to wait until Andy got back. Meanwhile, Deidra had had a runny nose all day and she asked if she could take her temperature. I thought it was just allergies, so I was surprised when she had almost a 101 degree fever. Jimmie then texts me back that he'll just see me next weekend or did I want to come over. Finally, I text them both back and say "ok, which is it...Jimmie tells me that he left and Mom is telling me that he's at the house?" Mom finally calls me and says "well, where's Andy?" I told her he went to the store and that Deidra was running a fever. Then, her tone changed...oh, well if she's sick you'll probably come down with it too and it's already late and by the time you got here it would be after 9 pm and Jimmie doesn't need to catch anything so it's no big deal. Ok.... Then, I get a text back from Jimmie saying that he left my city not that he left home. He had been with his friend most of the day. So, yup...lets give the sister the guilt trip because I didn't see you to say my good-byes...yet he was in my city shopping Friday night, at his friend's house all day Saturday, and they drove right by my house on Sunday morning to bring him to school. Yup, totally my fault that I didn't go to him...sorry, not going to lay a guilt trip on me for that one. And yet, it's obvious that my Mom is upset with me over it...why? I don't know, but I'll save that for another post later this morning. I'm pretty hurt.

I guess the best that I can do isn't good enough...

I had a really hard day yesterday. The girls had their speech re-evaluations to see how much progress they've made in the last 6 months. I was watching their baby brother for a few hours as well. Baby J had been a handful ever since he had woken up (we were up early)...his meds are off again...I think they need to be upped and had written the caseworker last week about that. She was going to have the nurse call and talk to the doctor but she was out sick. Anyway, the girl's speech evaluations went ok, but they informed me that they don't think Baby T is going to qualify anymore because of how much progress she's made. This dumbfounds me as everyone has troubles understanding her and she gets frustrated easily because she can't communicate effectively. They told me that if she's still not pronouncing things very clearly at 3 years old, that they can work with her again. Well, why not continue to work with her as everyone thinks she's still way behind. Anyway, I had my hands full trying to keep everyone out of the playroom during their evaluations and Baby J was tipping over his chairs, breaking crayons, throwing things, and kicking and screaming because he was not getting his way. He was a total bear and I had my hands full, full, FULL! He was like this all day long...I left a message for my caseworker yesterday afternoon to let her know that I was concerned about the girl's speech evaluations and what all happened, that Baby J really needed to have his meds upped, and something that had happened with the girl's case. She was out all day yesterday and so she got back to me this morning. She let me know that Baby J's CPS adoption worker isn't too thrilled that he's as young as he is and on medication so she's thinking that they may come back and tell us that we have to take him off. Doesn't make me too happy, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. However, due to those concerns my agency won't call the doctor to have his meds upped and wants to have a staffing with all of us to talk to the doctor at his next medication review...that means we get to take him on vacation like this as his appt isn't until the 26th. Great! My caseworker is always telling me that I can vent to her anytime. I just let her see a little glimpse of what yesterday was like. The email that I got back from her totally hurt. She thinks that Baby J needs to be the only one in our home so that we can work with him on behaviors (I don't see how moving the girls is fair to them and we want to adopt the girls if we have the chance as well..which is looking more likely), and she thinks that the reason he acts like he does is because I'm not firm enough with him and he knows that he can walk all over me. That totally hurt...I have tried all I can think of with him...the meds were my last resort. To say this child is strong-willed is an understatement. Anyway, my occupational therapist and his Mother's Day Out teacher can see a difference in him on medication (when it's working)...he listens better, he's able to focus on what he's supposed to be doing, he actually walks instead of runs, and he can actually play with toys instead of running around the room pulling everything down, pushing buttons, making a mess, and just being destructive. It's almost like he doesn't know how to play he's just trying to get rid of energy the best way that he can. Anyway, the meds do help and he slows down enough to focus on what he's supposed to be doing. I was just surprised by the tone of her e-mail when she was totally on board with me the other day when we were tallking. I've been crying about it all day long.

I had to take my paperwork up there as it was due today. I walked in and handed her my paperwork and told her I was going to let her go. I always talk to her for at least a few minutes when I go in there. I walked out of her office and tears were immediately in my eyes. I got out to the van and I just started bawling again and poor Deidra keeps asking me "Mommy what is wrong?" I couldn't say anything to her as she wouldn't understand. Anyway, she wanted ice cream and I decided to drown my sorrows in a peanut butter fudge sundae. I came home and she had apologized and said that she was just giving me advice, that she didn't mean to personally attack me if it came out that way and that the kids were blessed to have me as a mom...I don't know what to think...

I guess I do have a mean streak...

I was supposed to have the speech therapist out here on Monday and Tuesday. Monday she never showed up. Never called, never showed. This has been going on for awhile now. Tuesday, I decided I was going for a drive when she was supposed to come out so that we purposely wouldn't be at home. I'm tired of having a schedule, trying to deal with things that pop up (like the paternity test thing) and fitting that stuff in, only to have to reschedule therapy appts because they can't keep their appts. She called this morning and I purposely didn't answer the phone...her message said "oh, I was calling to see if I could schedule with you for this week as I haven't had time to come out yet this week and I think I forgot to tell you that." And then she laughed. I'm skipping speech this week, she can pick up with me next week IF she can stick to her schedule. I understnad that things come up here and there, but this almost a weekly occurance and I'm done.

Well, that was fun...

The girls' CPS worker called at 11:30 this morning to let me know that Baby T needed to be down at the courthouse down there at 1 to do a test on her. Since I didn't want to go down there by myself (the jail and everything is in the building and it's in a sketchy part of town, Andy told me he'd go with me). The occupational therapist had just arrived and started therapy and so we had to cut that short as well. Andy got home just before noon and we got down there at 12:45 and met Mom and Baby T's dad (they have the same eyes so I think he's trying to delay the inevitable). We waited and waited and nobody showed up. Mom) said that they were told to wait out in the hall and that the testing people weren't there yet. At 1:30 I tried calling the CPS worker and was told she wasn't in the office. They called her to let her know what was going on and she thought we were in the wrong building, but I told her that we were in the Justice office where she told me to go and that all of us were there. CPS told me that we had to wait as it was ordered by the judge (at a hearing that the AG courts did with Mom and Dad this morning). So, we hung out and talked and Mom played with the kids a bit. We all took turns calling CPS and finally Baby T's Dad called his attorney to find out if they knew what was going on. He couldn't get anywhere, so I had to call my Mom to pick up Deidra from school. Mom finally called her attorney and finally her attorney was able to tell us that the papers she had faxed over to her said it was for next Monday instead. So, we get to go back and do it all over again next week. Very frustrating day, UGH!

UGH

The doctor dropped our medicaid for the foster kids. The girls have been complaining all night that their ears hurt. I'm tired and not feeling well myself...we just finished a zillion appts for today and now I have to take them into the ER as the only doctor accepting their insurance in our area doesn't have any new patient appts until the 4th of next month. Great...let me go expose them to more germs just to get them some healthcare.

Isn't part of the reason that our country is so good is because of some of our freedoms here?

We all had a choice who to vote for didn't we? Our family has always voted conservatively. That's just who we are. Anyway, we voted conservative this time...we voted for Bush two times before. Do we agree with 100% of what these people stand for...no. My hubby put up on his Facebook page that he just wasn't impressed with Obama yesterday and he had some people post that they agreed with him, and a few people took what was said totally out of context and bashed him for his opinion. He made a joke that he wasn't drinking the kool-aid (how many times have us girls joked that we're not drinking the water as there's too many pregnancies happening?...he was joking similar to that with the kool-aid). Anyway, one of the girls we went to high school with jumped on him about how her opinions deserved respect and so on and so on. I read the whole argument and didn't see that he was disrespectful of anything and he made the comment that he wasn't trying to offend anyone, but that one of the beauties of this country was that we had the freedom to vote for whoever we wanted and that we had the freedom to express our opinions. Anyway, she got all nasty with him and said something to the fact that she should have known better and that her opinions didn't deserve respect and that she was out. I sat there for a minute and told Andy that he was on his own Facebook page stating HIS opinion...she was acting like he was supposed to CHANGE his opinion based on the fact that she didn't find her opinion notating respect. It's not like he went on HER page and bashed her opinion that she had posted or something. To me that's like going up to someone in the voting line and asking them who they are voting for, not liking their answer, and choosing to try to make them change their opinion by saying that they're not respecting your option to vote for whoever you want based on their feelings and so forth. Maybe, I'm not stating myself very well, but it's bothered me all night long.

Obama is our President now, there's nothing anybody can do to change that fact, I don't agree with a lot of what he says and stands for and I think he's full of promises and all I can do is hope that he stands by what he says he will and I wish the best for him and will pray for him, but I already don't agree with some of the things that he's done. Our country is apparently in such a dire need and he has promised all sorts of things to get certain states out of trouble. Yet, look at the amount of money that Obama not only spent on his campaign but turned around and spent on his inauguration (sp?) festivities...I understand that something like that is going to cost money, but I don't see the need to spend all that...how many people could he have helped with SOME of that money. I just don't think that he practices what he preaches.

Another comment on Andy's FB page was from another guy that we went to high school with...he had the nerve to say that he guessed when we moved to TX we had to sign some contract that we'd push our noses even further up Bush's a** so that we could get a bigger tax return. That really pissed me off. Even if we would have still been living in IL, we would have voted McCain. We left MI, because of the state's economy there. The person that made this comment is always complaining about everything and I guess I don't understand...if you're not happy somewhere...we have the power to move. It took a lot of changes for our family and we took a big leap of faith and moved down here...lots of prayers have been answered for us down here. Do we still miss MI? Yes, we do! But, it came down to the fact that we had to move to provide for our family and we are happy down here. Do we agree with all of Bush's decisions...not at all...

I don't know, I look at the state of our nation's economy and I get upset sometimes. Our society does not live within their means, we want something and we want it NOW, we don't have the cash to pay for it, but we have to have it because everyone else does, so lets all go out and get loans and credit cards that we can't pay for all because we just have to have it. Banks are in trouble now and are getting bailed out by the government...why not make these people responsible for WHO they are lending money to? Nobody wants to accept responsibility for their actions anymore. Obama says we're going to have to spend our way out of some of this before it gets better (I forget his actual wording)...since when do we go out and spend money that we don't have to spend and expect that to make things better? If anything, it only seems to me that is going to get us in more trouble and give us a bigger deficit to get out of. Then, again, I know nothing about politics and all that...and before anyone bashes me, these are my feelings that I am posting on my own blog.

So tired...

I got up and rushed the kids around to get ready as they were supposed to have speech this morning at 8:30. After all that, the therapist never showed up. I tried to call her to see what was going on with no answer. I called the occupational therapist to find out if they were off today due to MLK day and if she wasmoving her day to Thursday. I left a message and didn't hear anything back until after I had made plans to bring the kids to Dallas to have lunch with Andy. She told me she'd be here between 11 and 11:30. So, I left her a message saying that we were leaving the house at 12:30 since I didn't know what was going on. She called me back at 11 saying that she just got my message and she'd just come Thursday morning at 9. So, we left for Dallas and had lunch at Chick-Fil-A with Daddy. After that, I took them over to Uptown Village and let them play on the dinosaurs. Little E tried to run away as she got scared. I had to pick her up and have her sit on my lap on the bench for a little bit to let her know that they weren't scary. Finally she got up and started exploring a little bit, but she wouldn't climb on them or anything. The other kids were all over the place. Then, Baby T started giving other Mommies hugs and I had to keep reminding her that we didn't go up to strangers and that if she wanted a hug she needed to come to Mommy. I sat her back down and off she ran to another Mommy. The lady kept giving her hugs and I had to finally explain that I'm teaching her boundaries and not to go up to strangers. She left after that. I hope she wasn't upset with me, but at the same time I'm not really sorry that I said anything...I know she probably meant well, but Baby T needs to learn appropriate boundaries as well.

Then, we went to leave and I had to go to the bathroom. We went into Barnes & Noble to get a snack and use the restroom and there was a little boy standing by the door that tried to come out when I opened up the door. I quickly asked him if he was supposed to go outside as I didn't see him standing by anyone and he couldn't have been that much older than Little E. Anyway, he said "have you seen my Mom or my Dad, I haven't seen them in awhile?" I asked him if he was lost and took him by the hand to the front counter. She asked him his name and they knew immediately who he belonged to. She took him to his Dad and I watched to make sure everything was ok. The Dad didn't even blink an eye when she brought the little boy back to him. I finally went up to him and let him know that he was trying to get out the front door and that he had let me know that he didn't know where his Mom or Dad were. I wasn't looking for a thank you or anything, I just wanted him to be aware. And he's lucky that the right person found him. He looked at me and said "oh, I'm sorry" and then proceeded to tell him that he needed to stay by him. The guy turned around to look at a book and the little boy started to wander again. I pointed back to his Dad and the little boy went and stood by him before we went on our way. I was just in shock at how unphased the Dad seemed to be. I mean the little guy was anywhere between 3-4. You'd think that with hearing that he was trying to get out the door to the outside that it would have made him keep a closer eye on him...I don't know.

My neighbors are going to drive me crazy...

I just get the kids to take a nap and the neighbors come over and ring the doorbell to tell me that Deidra touched their newspaper with her foot. Well, did she do anything to it? "No, she stepped on it when she was walking down the sidewalk and it's flat now." I told Deidra that she didn't need to be touching anybody else's things and she said that she was just walking down the street and she accidentally kicked it with her foot. I asked the neighbors if it was still readable. They said it was, she didn't do anything to it but step on it once. They woke up Tracie to tell me this...UGH!! These kids have been nothing but a problem and they try to tattle on Deidra for everything. The other day, the boy came over to tell me that Deidra stole his notebook and his truck that he had left outside. I asked him when it happened and he said "just now." I told him that was funny since she had been at a friend's house since she got home from school and hadn't been home in a couple of hours. Yesterday, they came over to get their dog out of our backyard and they thought they were just going to walk right through my house to go get it...I told him "no, stay there and I'll go open the gate and let him out for you." I'm really getting tired of all the neighbor kids wanting to just try and cause problems. UGH!

We had a surprise last night...

We were told that the transporter from CPS was going to be picking up the baby that we were doing respite for to bring her to a visit in the morning. Well, noon came and I hadn't heard from them or anything and so I contacted our worker. No sooner did I do that than the CPS worker called to let me know they were still doing the visit but they were going to come after 6pm. I told her that was fine. Didn't think anymore of it.

The doorbell rings at 6:45 and we open the door to find her biological parents standing at our doorway. Dad spoke very little english and kept asking when he had to have her back by. She's not coming back to us, she's going to her regular foster home on Monday. I told him to contact the CPS worker. They asked me for some formula for her for in the car and they left. But, I was livid that CPS had sent bio parents to our door. They're not supposed to be given that information at all. I called and left a message for the CPS worker on her cell phone and I emailed our foster care director as well. And then I called my own caseworker and we talked about everything for awhile and she was just as angry as I was. Apparently they've had other problems from this CPS worker and she wanted the CPS worker's cell number from me so that she could call and talk to her. I felt horrible that my caseworker was supposed to be on vacation, but here I was calling her over something like this. But, it left me feeling panicky and since it was after hours I needed to talk to someone. I told her that they were nice when they were here, but you never know with birthparents and their history of what they're thinking necessarily. She completley understood where I was coming from and she said that info never should have been given out. Come to find out, she called me back after talking to the CPS worker and Dad doesn't even have a driver's license (he's here illegally) and he was told that he couldn't come...CPS wanted the aunt to come pick her up. Well, nobody bothered to tell me that, so I had no way of knowing. I told my caseworker that I thought it was Mom & Dad that came to pick her up and she then informed me that Mom wasn't supposed to be around the child. I told her that I thought I had heard her call herself Mama to the child, but I could've been wrong. Maybe it was the Aunt. I said that the baby didn't know who to reach for when I held her at the door and she took her finally. All I know is that our addresses are never supposed to be given out for the safety of us and the children and I am so upset that this was given out. I'm hoping that nothing will come of it, but it really leaves a person feeling panicky...especially with what the child was removed for.

Calgon take me away!

Andy's working late tonight (rather he went with another co-worker to another co-worker's house to fix her computer) and I'm dealing with a 2-year old who has been testing me all day long and the girls keep arguing over every stupid thing. Little A's birthday is tomorrow and she is practically rubbing it in Deidra's face. Deidra asked to go down to the neighbor's for some time out so I gave her an hour to play down there. Now it looks like some storms are blowing in and I'm wondering if I should go down and get her a few minutes early. We had a bunch of ebay auctions end and I'm trying to invoice everyone. We ran a summer clearance sale and Andy put all of our store items on auction to try to clear out some stuff and I literally have about 50 people to invoice. I'm cramping and cramping and my PMS is just horrible and all these little things are just making it worse. I think once I get the kids in bed I am going to run a hot bath and relax in the bubbles for awhile. I'm on the verge of tears and I feel so stupid because of it. I'm not normally like this...I blame it all on PMS. lol.

Just 40 more minutes and then it's bath and bed time. Then once I get them down, I just have to feed Baby L some cereal and a small bottle of formula and give him a bath and he'll be ready to go down for the night too. I can do it!