The primal scream...

Friday, this Momma let out a big primal scream. The kids were all going crazy at once, I would say no, they would do it anyway, Josiah gave bubbles to Melina again (even though literally 5 seconds earlier I took them away and told them that we don't do that in the house and we'd do them outside in a little bit) and while I was trying to go get them they wound up being thrown, went all over my couch, splashed off and wound up going all over the recliner with Tracie in it too. Emma's going through a huge phase where she wants to talk like a baby, doesn't want to listen, and encourages Melina to do bad things. Josiah's whining and throwing fits and rages all over everything, having accidents, not happy about...STUPID stuff. Not once in awhile...more like every 5 minutes. Anyway, the minute those bubbles went all over all I could do was let out this primal scream. I knew we needed to leave the house and so we went to the park to burn off some energy and to gain a new perspective. All last week, with the expection of Thursday, was nuts. Dealing with nothing but misbehaving. Andy about went crazy with them just during dinner time every night. All I kept saying was try having them over 12 hours a day before getting a break. It's been a little hectic...I know it's the full moon. It can be overtime now. They're beautiful, but boy does it wreak havoc on my kids. Today, we left the house in hopes of not dealing with so many behavior problems. It was hectic, but it semi-worked. We went to the bakery and got gluten-free cupcakes as a treat, went shopping for a 4th of July outfit for Deidra, went and played at the dinosaur park, and then the whining started from Josiah that he was hot and sweaty and he needed to eat and he wanted breadsticks from the italian restaurant. We stopped in one more store and he started running up and down the aisles and just as I was scolding him, he tripped and fell. I told him that natural consequences are God's ways of helping Mom's. That's why we don't run in the stores. Turned around and couldn't find Melina and just about had a heart attack. She went in the middle of the clothes rack to play hide and seek and pulled the clothes around her. I almost started to cry. Thankfully, Emma noticed her little feet sticking out. We left and Josiah started really whining that he was hot and hungry and he wanted to eat at the restaurant. I told him that we'd go home and eat lunch and the drama got even worse. We got to the van and got everyone in he kept whining and whining. Finally got home, got some mac and cheese made and the kids fed...didn't even get a chance to eat myself and he was whining that he needed something else. I asked him to sit and wait patiently. I got a call from my Dad saying that his U-Haul payment was overdue. I said that's not possible as we set it up as automatic payment and he has the money in the acct. He asked me to call for him. It wasn't what I wanted to deal with, but I did it for him trying to be the good daughter. They were supposed to have a manager call me to take an e-check payment as I couldn't even give them my card since my brother has it. My Dad wound up calling and he got all mad that they were going to charge him the late fee and started telling me how tired he is of bills and late payments when he's over 1000 miles away and how he felt like just blowing his head off and not dealing with it all anymore. I told him that obviously I take care of his bills and I get them paid on time. He says wherever he turns people want money from him. He got involved in an international dating scam over the last year and wouldn't listen to me when I kept telling him it was a scam. Finally, I was able to pull up some more info last month and he got looking at something I showed him and he finally believes me now. I won't go into great detail about what all happened as that's his business. But, I just felt like he takes out his problems on me sometimes. I could sit and cry. Anyway, to make a long story short, they got the problem taken care of with the late bill. Dad was mad about them still charging the late fee and semi-apologized for being a grouch. I no sooner hang up with that, Josiah starts in on the tantruming again. Deidra's friend had come over to ask if she could hang out for awhile, he wanted to go for a bike ride and I told him that we'd do that later when it wasn't quite so hot outside. Deidra left with her friend and he started throwing a fit that he couldn't go on a walk with them. I told him that they weren't going for a walk, they were going to her friend's house. He threw something at me. I picked him up and he wanted to throw himself backwards so I put him up against the couch and told him in a very firm voice that we do NOT throw things at me just because he's not getting his way. Then, he decided to up the drama and started screaming that I was about to break his arm. I had a hold of his arm to keep him from running off, but I wasn't in any way shape or form about to break his arm. I finally told him, you hurt someone, you go up in your room. I give him 15 minutes and he'll be asleep. I get downstairs and Emma's making Melina scream left and right...they think it's funny to lay down flat, make her sit on their chest or face. I don't find it appropriate and I keep telling them to have her sit next to them. She kept talking baby talk and telling Melina that she smelled like poo poo and Mommy needed to change her. I finally got to the bottom of the stairs and took her to change her diaper and there's no poop in there. I wound up sending Emma to her room. Then, Tracie starts yelling at me to change the channel. I asked her if that's how we ask. She started pouting. I told her if she wanted to pout, she was welcome to go to her room or she could use her big girl words and ask nicely. Thankfully, she chose to use her big girl words. Melina started throwing a fit about something. I scooped her up, grabbed her blanket, got her a bottle and deposited her in her crib. Josiah's yelling at me from his room that I never let them do anything. I told him that we do stuff all of the time, the problem with him is that anytime he has to wait even a minute for something or he can't get his way or what he wants, that's a problem for him. I came back downstairs to try to clean up lunch and I just feel like letting that primal scream come out again. However, I practiced some self-control and I didn't. I just told Tracie to sit nicely and give me some time to myself as Mommy needed some time to herself. So, here I sit. God please help me to be more patient, help the kids settle down somewhat, and want to be more well-behaved. They can do it. I know they can. Give my Dad some peace about things. Please let Andy be able to leave a little early from work today too.

Attachment-Focused Parenting Day 1 Part 2

I decided to track behaviors again so that I can see if things get worse or get better. I definitely see that Josiah cannot stand to be put in a time-in. I set them in my lap and put my arms across their chest or abdomen. With him, I'm having to make sure his hands are within my arms or he's started trying to pinch me and do anything he can to push my buttons to get me to react. I don't talk to them when they're in my lap, I just hold them and if they're crying I lightly rub their backs. When our time is up, then I stand them up while I'm sitting on the floor, I hold hands with them, get eye contact, and then I talk to them about what happened and what they're feeling, they get plenty of empathy, and we talk about the rules as well. The girls are responding really well so far to it, but Josiah is trying anything and eveyrthing that he can...he'll scream "ow, you're hurting me, my tummy hurts, I have to go potty," just anything and everything that he can think of. Emma even went so far to tell him "will you be quiet? mommy isn't hurting you, she's just holding you." I had to stifle a chuckle. I have to redirect them to another room though or they will stand there and make comment after comment trying to micromanage each other. I have to keep reminding them that I will parent them or Daddy will, but that they don't have to parent each other. Anyway, I'm going to start blogging about our time ins and who's getting it and for what just so that I can see if it's getting better or worse.

8 am Josiah TI as he wouldn't quit bugging Deidra when she was sick and trying to rest

8:15 am Josiah TI for not wanting to sit quietly and he was constantly testing me (where do I sit? right here? he'd get up and move...right here?...finally he threw himself on the floor...then got up and ran behind where he was supposed to be sitting even though I was giving him clear instructions the whole time)

9 am Josiah TI not leaving the foot stool on the recliner alone even though they know they're not supposed to have it out of the chair

10:45 am Josiah TI getting into stuff in Mommy and Daddy's bathroom when he was supposed to be emptying the trash

12:15 pm Tracie TI getting into stuff in the pantry that was supposed to be in time out (toys)

4:25 pm Emma and Josiah TI not being quiet when asked

4:30 pm Tracie TI wouldn't give Emma some space like Emma asked her to

4:40 pm Emma TI lying to get Tracie in trouble

6:00 pm Emma TI wouldn't leave the light switches alone

August 2009

I used the Beach Party Quickpages by Heavenly Scraps for these!

I hate how people can make you feel defeated sometimes...

We've been having the same battles everyday and I was venting about them in behavior therapy yesterday. They really don't know what to tell us about why certain things keep happening and I know that. But, one of the therapists told me yesterday that with the ADHD, some things just may not be possible. Well, we know that's not true because they can do certain things when they CHOOSE to. That was a big question a few months ago...could they or was it not physically capable of them to be able to do it. We found that they COULD do it when they CHOSE to. So, we're back to them NOT CHOOSING to follow rules and do what they are asked to do. The therapist told us that she thought the ADHD was causing the behaviors and that they may not be able to help themselves. Andy got a bit confrontational with her and then she kind of changed her tune. We know they are able to do it at times...we're not going to use the excuse of that they have ADHD. I brought up to her that we still discipline them all the same for certain things. She said she never told us not to discipline them as they had to learn that behaviors weren't acceptable. I left feeling frustrated and defeated. I know that some things are harder to do for them with ADHD and we have empathy towards that, but what do you do when Deidra feels like we hold her to a higher standard and they just act up all day long. They're punished for what they do and sometimes they feel like nobody likes them. It looks different to everybody depending on whether they have ADHD or not. But, I can't just let the safety things go and not try to talk to them and put them in time out to TRY to correct the behavior. I'm not just going to start saying "oh, well they have ADHD and they can't help it" and that gets them off the hook. Andy didn't really feel that's what they were saying whole-heartedly, but I just felt really defeated. We've been told by their psychologist before that we have been doing everything that we are supposed to be doing with them and that their classes are really for the parents who don't have a clue as to how to parent. I'm going more for support so that we don't feel like we're the only parents who are going through some of this stuff. But dealing with their behaviors as much as we do does make me 2nd guess myself at times or feel like I'm a failure as a parent at times because I cannot correct their behaviors. She asked me if I had brought it up to his psychiatrist and I told her that is nothing but a big joke. I met his new psychiatrist (resident right out of school) last week...she met me all of 2 minutes and asked me how everything was going...I told her that he's been much more manageable since he started the new meds, but he was having some agression issues at school and somewhat at home. That turned into a lecture on staying consistent and making sure that he was given time outs no matter if he screamed all day long about having to do it. I told her that he has a very strong will and he knows that something will happen to him if he misbehaves, the problem is that it really doesn't phase him to change the behavior. She continued telling me that every kid cared and that it was just important that I stayed consistant. I don't know how I could be anymore consistent than what I already am. I finally shut up as nothing I said was going to make a difference. Yet as we walked out the door she told me to make sure I knew to call 911 if I needed to with him. Oh really? You don't think his behavior is that bad to warrant lecturing me on staying consistent, but as we're going to leave you bring up calling 911? Do these people even have a clue? I don't think he's gotten that bad to warrant calling 911, but one of the meds he takes IS supposed to help with agression which is why I brought up the agressive tendencies that he has at school because I was just wanting to know if that medicine needed to be adjusted at all.

Behavior therapy wants us to consider getting Emma tested again. I'll go ahead and do it. However, I don't know what testing is going to tell us other than what we already know. I think she's been doing a lot better since her adoption and we changed her medicine a couple of weeks ago to give her longer coverage at school and her behavior chart from school has shown that too. Granted, I know she still has her moments and whatnot, but I think some behavior is to be expected given her age.

However, God has also revealed to me that I am not the "potter"...He is. I do my part with trying to guide them in the right direction and I have to trust Him to be their potters and mold them into who He wants them to be.

Anyway, I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and her message was totally for me. She did a clip on a gentlemen who as a boy had a handful of problems, bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia and other things. He was trying to hurt his parents as a toddler and doing this and that and all the people that they tried to bring him to for help eventually gave up on him and didn't think he was able to be helped. One doctor told the parents that he had the brain of Hitler and would grow up to be a mass murderer and that he needed to hand him over to the state as they would never be able to help him or make him fit into society. The mother never gave up on him and prayed for him all the time. One night, the now teenage boy happened to see a Joyce Meyer program and said something about "the boy sitting in the recliner with the ignorant heart to God" and he knew she was speaking to her through the tv. He went to get his Mom and she told him that was the Word and that God wanted him to turn his life around. He prayed with his Mom and gave his life to Christ. He graduated from school as a practical minister and wants to help children that were like him now. Joyce said in her message that if there was a parent of 2-3 children or more with some issues like this or maybe not as bad as him, just to trust that God is working. When she said that, I started to cry. I have to continue to trust in God and that He is hearing me. I do know that ever since my Mom, Margaret and I started saying the rosary novena for Josiah that his behaviors have gotten better on some levels and so I just need to keep praying. I know that with God all things are possible and that He will make everything good. :-)