My gosh...

I hate family drama...I'll admit that I have some jealousy issues going on. My brother Jimmie is going to a very expensive college and my parents are just giving him everything left and right. It angers me that I couldn't go where I really wanted to go because my parents couldn't afford to send me there (interesting enough, my tuition would have been a tiny bit cheaper than my brother's is now) and I was told that if I wanted to go to college I needed to go to the one's in town and I was going to be the one who paid for it. I did...which is why I had to drop out when it came time to do my nursing clinicals. I couldn't do clinicals, work, and go to school... I completed my sophomore year and then did a summer session to retake a couple of my classes that I wanted to do better in...I had to drop out even though I had all A's going because my parents weren't willing to help and I didn't have that portion of the tuition money. I was short a couple hundred dollars.

Anyway, Jimmie is going to college now. I'm trying to be excited for him, but at the same time I'm really jealous that anything and everything he has ever wanted, he just gets handed to him. He doesn't have to be responsible like I had to be at that age. He doesn't have things that are expected of him and he's never really held accountable for anything. They gave him a small football scholarship and he's taking out some student loans and he also got a pell grant for being in resource classes through school. They told him he's going to have to keep his studies up to keep it, but they do have tutoring available as well if he needs it. I'm really surpised that he got in when I looked at their grade requirements and test requirements. Regardless, I'm happy for him but I am fighting some jealousy. I need to quit. However, my Mom called me last week a couple days before Jimmie was leaving and says "Dad said he's going to give Jimmie some money for college, so can you swing by the bank and bring it over to me?" I hadn't heard anything about it, so I ask her how much and she tells me. It's funny, it's about 5 times as much as what Dad told me last week that he thought Jimmie's weekly budget should have been. Didn't say anything, ran to the bank, did the withdrawal, and ran it over to her. She asks me when I got there "well, at least one kid of mine gets to go to college. Are you at least happy for your brother?" I told her that I was, but I was also struggling with being jealous. She said she could understand that, but then again he didn't have a wife who made $70k and he just got to stay at home and do whatever he wanted either. I sat there for a minute trying to figure out what she was saying, when it struck me that she was referencing Andy and I. She has no idea of what Andy makes, but even if she did...it just struck a chord with me. I bit my tongue and Deidra and I left shortly after. I came home and told Andy and he said "I think she has some jealousy issues of her own." I told Andy though...when my parents moved to Texas, they left me in MI without a job (I had just lost my job as I was supposed to be in my best friend's wedding and work had me scheduled. I had asked for it off and they wouldn't give it to me. Well, I wasn't just going to not be in her wedding after the dress was already bought and her wedding was the next day and we had been best friend's forever. So, they told me not to come back. My parents were supposed to be moving on Sunday for TX and I got a call at my friend's wedding reception as an emergency phone call. They were leaving right then. If I wanted to say good-bye, I could come home right then. If I didn't want to leave, they'd talk to me later. They knew I just lost my job and had nothing lined up yet and we had literally just walked into the reception hall. I wasn't going to leave the wedding and was horribly mad at me for putting me in that situation. My Mom has apologized to me since then for the way they left me like that, but I just see a lot of double standards lately in the way that I was raised (I think that's one big reason that I have troubles asking for help now...I was never given that option growing up...I did it myself or I didn't do it at all.) My brothers have no problem spending money, not being responsible, and they don't take much seriously. Dad told them a couple weeks back not to ask him for any help with paying for college, if he was going to college, he was going to have to work for it and pay for it like I did. Yet, this week...nope, they're both fumbling all over to give him money, this or that and everything else. Dad says now "I can't keep this from him, he just wants to play football, if I keep him from this he's only going to resent me for it later...your Mom and I have hurt him and Zach too much in the past, I can't do this to him on top of it all."

So, I sit here trying to hand it all over to God. Jimmie moved 2 1/2 hours away to go to college on Sunday. My Mom thinks I'm going through some empty nest syndrome too as I said I was going to miss him. He's been different after he graduated from school. We used to hang out quite a bit...I've only seen him a handfull of times since he graduated now...Mom said I've always been his 2nd Mom and she thinks I'm just getting some empty nest syndrome going on with not wanting him to go. I don't know what it is, but saying my feelings has always been hard for me. I'm trying to be supportive and honest at the same time and yet I find her comments back to me very hurtful. I guess too, I'm going through my own things...I don't have any help or support from her...yet she can be awfully critical at times. I want her to be the Grandma to my kids that I had from my own Grandmother growing up, yet she's gotta be in the right mood it seems to be Grandma. She talks about how selfish she sees Andy sometimes or she can criticize something I do with Deidra, yet it's not ok for me to do it (I let Deidra spend the night at someone's house on a Saturday night and miss church on Sunday), yet I can't tell you the last time my brother's have been to church. Just stuff like that. And the other thing that has Andy really kind of upset is that she kept saying she'd fill out her paperwork and get her background check and CPR class done so that she could come and sit for the kids so Andy and I could go out to dinner after the littles are in bed once in awhile. She said she'd do that for us, if I got background checked and went through safe environment training to help teach her Sunday catechism classes in the church. I did my part, and now she's backed out of doing hers. She doesn't want to deal with the repercussions if any of the kids got hurt or something happened while she was watching them. I told her, nothing would happen, if she waits til they are in bed and even if it did, we'd just write up an incident report. She still says "no."

But, I really did find her comments to be a bit hurtful. I knew if I really responded to it though, we'd wind up in a huge family spat. So, I keep trying to hand it over to God and try not to take anything personally. I'm really trying to get over being jealous. He takes his placement test this morning. They wanted his ACT and TAKS scores, but he never took the ACT test and he couldn't pass the TAKS test so he was excluded from taking it. So, all in all, I do wish him the best and I'll keep praying about it.

And Saturday morning, I had texted my brother and told him that he better come and say his good-byes to me before he left. THey had been in town on Friday night doing school shopping and never bothered to stop by. He texted me a little after 8 pm asking if I was hungry. I had said that I had already eaten and he responded with "ok, then." I was home with the kids by myself at that time anyway so I couldn't have left even if I wanted to. Saturday, he texts me back saying that he had tried to tell me good-bye on Friday night. I explained the situation and he said he'd stop over. I didn't see him all day Saturday. Saturday night around 8:15, I get a text from Mom "Jimmis leaves tomorrow." I wrote her back and told her that I knew that and that I had already talked to him that morning. Meanwhile, I get a text from Jimmie "I left and I'm coming back next weekend so I'll just see you then." Mom writes me back and tells me that he's at the house. I told her I'd have to wait until Andy got back. Meanwhile, Deidra had had a runny nose all day and she asked if she could take her temperature. I thought it was just allergies, so I was surprised when she had almost a 101 degree fever. Jimmie then texts me back that he'll just see me next weekend or did I want to come over. Finally, I text them both back and say "ok, which is it...Jimmie tells me that he left and Mom is telling me that he's at the house?" Mom finally calls me and says "well, where's Andy?" I told her he went to the store and that Deidra was running a fever. Then, her tone changed...oh, well if she's sick you'll probably come down with it too and it's already late and by the time you got here it would be after 9 pm and Jimmie doesn't need to catch anything so it's no big deal. Ok.... Then, I get a text back from Jimmie saying that he left my city not that he left home. He had been with his friend most of the day. So, yup...lets give the sister the guilt trip because I didn't see you to say my good-byes...yet he was in my city shopping Friday night, at his friend's house all day Saturday, and they drove right by my house on Sunday morning to bring him to school. Yup, totally my fault that I didn't go to him...sorry, not going to lay a guilt trip on me for that one. And yet, it's obvious that my Mom is upset with me over it...why? I don't know, but I'll save that for another post later this morning. I'm pretty hurt.