Too busy of a Thursday...

Got up and took Deidra to school. Came home and got the littles ready so we could take the girl's to their visit. Got down there on time and spent some time at the park with Josiah and the girl's little brother's fostermom and her 2 little ones. Then, ran back to get the kids from their visit and gave Little E her lunch in the car. Got on the road as I had the exact time I needed to get her to school on time. Made it into town and decided to take a bit different of a route to get her to school. I got off the highway and turned and went over the bridge. Passed a policeman and didn't think anything of it. Got into the part where the speed limit changes to 30 and I slow down. Get further up the road almost to our foster care agency and see flashing lights behind me. I honestly had no idea what I did. I was trying to get the littles to calm down as they were thinking about taking off their seatbelts so they could twist around better to see the police car. Finally, they calmed down and the policeman was looking at the kids and then he asked me for my license and registration. I gave them to him and then he said "you were going 45 mph in a 30 zone." I told him that I thought it was 45 back when you got off the highway and turned into 30 just before the residential part of the road. He tells me that it's 30 all down the road...goes back to his car and writes me the ticket. I was praying that he'd forgive me. No such luck and what ticked me off is that I honestly didn't know. Anyway, Little E is hollering that she needs to go to school. I tell her that it looks like she's going to be late for school. Police officer comes back and hands me the ticket and tells me that I have until the 17 to contact the court. I ask him if there's a reason that I need to do that. He gives me a weird look (I'm sure he thought I was dumb) and tells me that "that's how you're going to pay your ticket." He has me sign it and puts me on my way. I could have cried. I got Little E to school just before they were going to close the doors. I text Andy that I got a ticket. He calls me back and I tell him that I can't talk as I'm in the school zone and don't need another ticket. I get home and tell him what happened and he finds online that the roads in TX that aren't posted are automatically 30 mph. I feed Josiah and Baby T their lunch and put them down for a nap. They fought it, but it gave me some time to spend in God's Word and recoop. Then, I had to run and get the girls from school and get over to our agency for play therapy. The kids were being rotten for the first part of play therapy while we were waiting, so I took them to the car and decided to go back up the road to see where the police officer said the speed limit was posted. I took my route up the service road and exited and there's no sign until the one that I saw and slowed down. So, he literally got me speeding just as I crossed the bridge over the highway. Went back to our agency to get the girl's from play therapy and came home to make some dinner and was so happy to hear Little E ask if I could make some corn. When she first came to us, she hated her veggies and she's slowly learning to like some of them. :-) We ate dinner and then the kids picked up a little bit and then they went to bed. We worked on some homework stuff with Deidra that she had gotten wrong and then did nightly devotions with her. After she went to bed, I had a glass of Lambrusco with Andy and then went to bed myself. I was beat. Wednesday, I was in bed by 9 pm. Last night I was in bed by 10 pm. UGH

Trying to stay positive...

This week has been so busy and I just feel drained. Add in the little sleep that I got last night as Baby D and Little J's sister stayed over last night and the fact that my Dad came in very briefly just before 6 am this morning to give me money so that I could start his checking account and so forth here. The kids all had their sibling visit today and Little J came home absolutely hysterically crying that she couldn't be with her sister and the CPS worker didn't know how to calm her down. Lots of hugs later, I started talking to her and she calmed down when she showed me what she got at her visit. The CPS worker and I talked a bit about things and she said that it's so clear to her how bonded Baby D is to me that in her eyes he thinks of me as "Mommy." I told her that Little J really struggled with what to call me once her sister came in and her sister was struggling over what to call everyone...they are so afraid of being disloyal to their "real" mom. I told them that nobody is putting any pressure on what to call anyone, at least here, and they were welcome to call us whatever they felt comfortable with. I never expected their sister to call us anything other than our first names as she doesn't know us...however I didn't want Little J to struggle and to Baby D he's never called me anything but "mommy." I have never told them that I am mommy or to call me mommy...it's just what they've taken to calling me. But, I know the guilt that I felt after my Mom died too and I refuse to do that here. I understand that they have parents and that will always be "mommy and daddy", but just because someone gives birth to you doesn't necessarily make you a mommy and a daddy either. There's so much more than that...so if they feel comfortable calling me mommy, I'm fine with that and I really don't feel that anyone should make them feel guilty for it. I know that even when the caseworker talks to their birthparents and refers to us as the "fosterparents" the dad has gotten upset and said "you mean...those fosterPEOPLE?" He actually got quite in her face about it once and she told him that she wasn't changing what she called her fosterparents for him or for anyone else as to her that's what they were...we parent their children and to a lot of fosterchildren...their fosterparents are called "mommy and daddy." I just hate seeing the kids feel guilty over it and it makes me remember the guilt I used to feel and still do at times and when you start hearing the pauses and the stumbling over trying to figure out what exactly to call them. Little J in her prayers always says "thanks for ALL of my parents." Little J is really struggling right now too as she misses her sister SO much and I really think that someone needs to tell her that there's a very good chance that her sister is going to stay where she is as I think if someone doesn't she's going to struggle very hard with that later on, however since I can't talk about the case with her and whatnot, that's really not my place to do so. However, my heart is very heavy for her. I really don't feel that the kids are ready to go home, however that's not my place to say that so I will not be the one to tell her.

I'm feeling kind of down in the dumps today too...the kids are tired and grumpy yet their all taking their naps at different times. Deidra was having a hard time that nobody was coming over just for her, so I woke her up to get a hug from Grandpa when he came. I'm stressed about taking over my Dad's accounts and so forth, but the bank was really great when I went to open the new bank account and let me add him right then and there. She just gave me a sheet for him to sign the next time he's in town and then I just have to bring it back to them.

Andy and I had a chance to spend some quality time together on Friday (he took a personal day and worked from home part of the day too) and it was really nice.

I just can't find my groove the past few days...there's so much I want to do...just when I have time to do it I can't seem to find my motivation to do it. I guess I just need to jump in and do it anyway and hope I find my mojo again.

I did get a new book to read too. It's by Daniel Hughes and it's called "Building the Bonds of Attachment." The characters are fictional, however it tells the story of a little girl with really bad attachment disorder that goes through 4 foster homes and how she got to that point (spending months in her crib, going hungry, crying to no avail, getting thrown across the room, breaking ribs, her father peeing on her and how she figures out that her parents don't meet her needs and so her behavior changes to doing bad things to gain that attention or to be vindictive as she no longer sees herself as worth anything). It is a heavy read, but very informative and the more and more that I read about this little girl, the more it makes me think of Little J. I've done some more research on the internet too and I really think she's got RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and I'm going to talk to my caseworker about it this week. The manipulative behaviors, everyone else thinking she's an angel, the hurting herself, the rages, the lying and constant whining, no understanding of consequences, all sorts of different things...I really do think it's pointing to Little J.

I really do need to find some more friends down here too and I think that will help my moods. I just feel very alone lately and that I don't get much adult interaction. Andy even teased me the other day that I talk the caseworkers ears off. With 3 kids in care and things going on, there's a lot to talk about though. But, I do like my caseworkers too and could see us being friends if there wasn't a conflict of interest there. lol. Thank God one of my friends up north doesn't mind that I still call her all the time and we talk among the kids screaming in the background. We understand when one of us has to go and whatnot, but not all my friends are like that and will get mad if I have to hang up or something.

I think I may go up and soak in a nice warm bubble bath and lather myself in body butter afterwards. Maybe pampering myself for a bit will help.

Little J is coming for a visit!

Our caseworker called yesterday and asked if they could do a pre-placement visit with Little J either today (Friday) or Saturday or she could even spend the night. I have to work at 1pm on Saturday so we figured that today would be better. Problem is that now they can't get ahold of the fosterfamily that she's currently staying with to see when they could bring her today. So I pray that we'll still be able to visit with her overnight today and tonight. Please let everythign work out, Abba, as Deidra is really excited about her coming tonight and I told Baby D this morning and he's really excited about getting to see his sister as well. Please let this all work out, Abba, so we can spend some time with this precious little girl! We're all excited about Little J.