Trying to stay positive...

This week has been so busy and I just feel drained. Add in the little sleep that I got last night as Baby D and Little J's sister stayed over last night and the fact that my Dad came in very briefly just before 6 am this morning to give me money so that I could start his checking account and so forth here. The kids all had their sibling visit today and Little J came home absolutely hysterically crying that she couldn't be with her sister and the CPS worker didn't know how to calm her down. Lots of hugs later, I started talking to her and she calmed down when she showed me what she got at her visit. The CPS worker and I talked a bit about things and she said that it's so clear to her how bonded Baby D is to me that in her eyes he thinks of me as "Mommy." I told her that Little J really struggled with what to call me once her sister came in and her sister was struggling over what to call everyone...they are so afraid of being disloyal to their "real" mom. I told them that nobody is putting any pressure on what to call anyone, at least here, and they were welcome to call us whatever they felt comfortable with. I never expected their sister to call us anything other than our first names as she doesn't know us...however I didn't want Little J to struggle and to Baby D he's never called me anything but "mommy." I have never told them that I am mommy or to call me mommy...it's just what they've taken to calling me. But, I know the guilt that I felt after my Mom died too and I refuse to do that here. I understand that they have parents and that will always be "mommy and daddy", but just because someone gives birth to you doesn't necessarily make you a mommy and a daddy either. There's so much more than that...so if they feel comfortable calling me mommy, I'm fine with that and I really don't feel that anyone should make them feel guilty for it. I know that even when the caseworker talks to their birthparents and refers to us as the "fosterparents" the dad has gotten upset and said "you mean...those fosterPEOPLE?" He actually got quite in her face about it once and she told him that she wasn't changing what she called her fosterparents for him or for anyone else as to her that's what they were...we parent their children and to a lot of fosterchildren...their fosterparents are called "mommy and daddy." I just hate seeing the kids feel guilty over it and it makes me remember the guilt I used to feel and still do at times and when you start hearing the pauses and the stumbling over trying to figure out what exactly to call them. Little J in her prayers always says "thanks for ALL of my parents." Little J is really struggling right now too as she misses her sister SO much and I really think that someone needs to tell her that there's a very good chance that her sister is going to stay where she is as I think if someone doesn't she's going to struggle very hard with that later on, however since I can't talk about the case with her and whatnot, that's really not my place to do so. However, my heart is very heavy for her. I really don't feel that the kids are ready to go home, however that's not my place to say that so I will not be the one to tell her.

I'm feeling kind of down in the dumps today too...the kids are tired and grumpy yet their all taking their naps at different times. Deidra was having a hard time that nobody was coming over just for her, so I woke her up to get a hug from Grandpa when he came. I'm stressed about taking over my Dad's accounts and so forth, but the bank was really great when I went to open the new bank account and let me add him right then and there. She just gave me a sheet for him to sign the next time he's in town and then I just have to bring it back to them.

Andy and I had a chance to spend some quality time together on Friday (he took a personal day and worked from home part of the day too) and it was really nice.

I just can't find my groove the past few days...there's so much I want to do...just when I have time to do it I can't seem to find my motivation to do it. I guess I just need to jump in and do it anyway and hope I find my mojo again.

I did get a new book to read too. It's by Daniel Hughes and it's called "Building the Bonds of Attachment." The characters are fictional, however it tells the story of a little girl with really bad attachment disorder that goes through 4 foster homes and how she got to that point (spending months in her crib, going hungry, crying to no avail, getting thrown across the room, breaking ribs, her father peeing on her and how she figures out that her parents don't meet her needs and so her behavior changes to doing bad things to gain that attention or to be vindictive as she no longer sees herself as worth anything). It is a heavy read, but very informative and the more and more that I read about this little girl, the more it makes me think of Little J. I've done some more research on the internet too and I really think she's got RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and I'm going to talk to my caseworker about it this week. The manipulative behaviors, everyone else thinking she's an angel, the hurting herself, the rages, the lying and constant whining, no understanding of consequences, all sorts of different things...I really do think it's pointing to Little J.

I really do need to find some more friends down here too and I think that will help my moods. I just feel very alone lately and that I don't get much adult interaction. Andy even teased me the other day that I talk the caseworkers ears off. With 3 kids in care and things going on, there's a lot to talk about though. But, I do like my caseworkers too and could see us being friends if there wasn't a conflict of interest there. lol. Thank God one of my friends up north doesn't mind that I still call her all the time and we talk among the kids screaming in the background. We understand when one of us has to go and whatnot, but not all my friends are like that and will get mad if I have to hang up or something.

I think I may go up and soak in a nice warm bubble bath and lather myself in body butter afterwards. Maybe pampering myself for a bit will help.