I guess the best that I can do isn't good enough...

I had a really hard day yesterday. The girls had their speech re-evaluations to see how much progress they've made in the last 6 months. I was watching their baby brother for a few hours as well. Baby J had been a handful ever since he had woken up (we were up early)...his meds are off again...I think they need to be upped and had written the caseworker last week about that. She was going to have the nurse call and talk to the doctor but she was out sick. Anyway, the girl's speech evaluations went ok, but they informed me that they don't think Baby T is going to qualify anymore because of how much progress she's made. This dumbfounds me as everyone has troubles understanding her and she gets frustrated easily because she can't communicate effectively. They told me that if she's still not pronouncing things very clearly at 3 years old, that they can work with her again. Well, why not continue to work with her as everyone thinks she's still way behind. Anyway, I had my hands full trying to keep everyone out of the playroom during their evaluations and Baby J was tipping over his chairs, breaking crayons, throwing things, and kicking and screaming because he was not getting his way. He was a total bear and I had my hands full, full, FULL! He was like this all day long...I left a message for my caseworker yesterday afternoon to let her know that I was concerned about the girl's speech evaluations and what all happened, that Baby J really needed to have his meds upped, and something that had happened with the girl's case. She was out all day yesterday and so she got back to me this morning. She let me know that Baby J's CPS adoption worker isn't too thrilled that he's as young as he is and on medication so she's thinking that they may come back and tell us that we have to take him off. Doesn't make me too happy, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. However, due to those concerns my agency won't call the doctor to have his meds upped and wants to have a staffing with all of us to talk to the doctor at his next medication review...that means we get to take him on vacation like this as his appt isn't until the 26th. Great! My caseworker is always telling me that I can vent to her anytime. I just let her see a little glimpse of what yesterday was like. The email that I got back from her totally hurt. She thinks that Baby J needs to be the only one in our home so that we can work with him on behaviors (I don't see how moving the girls is fair to them and we want to adopt the girls if we have the chance as well..which is looking more likely), and she thinks that the reason he acts like he does is because I'm not firm enough with him and he knows that he can walk all over me. That totally hurt...I have tried all I can think of with him...the meds were my last resort. To say this child is strong-willed is an understatement. Anyway, my occupational therapist and his Mother's Day Out teacher can see a difference in him on medication (when it's working)...he listens better, he's able to focus on what he's supposed to be doing, he actually walks instead of runs, and he can actually play with toys instead of running around the room pulling everything down, pushing buttons, making a mess, and just being destructive. It's almost like he doesn't know how to play he's just trying to get rid of energy the best way that he can. Anyway, the meds do help and he slows down enough to focus on what he's supposed to be doing. I was just surprised by the tone of her e-mail when she was totally on board with me the other day when we were tallking. I've been crying about it all day long.

I had to take my paperwork up there as it was due today. I walked in and handed her my paperwork and told her I was going to let her go. I always talk to her for at least a few minutes when I go in there. I walked out of her office and tears were immediately in my eyes. I got out to the van and I just started bawling again and poor Deidra keeps asking me "Mommy what is wrong?" I couldn't say anything to her as she wouldn't understand. Anyway, she wanted ice cream and I decided to drown my sorrows in a peanut butter fudge sundae. I came home and she had apologized and said that she was just giving me advice, that she didn't mean to personally attack me if it came out that way and that the kids were blessed to have me as a mom...I don't know what to think...