23 Years Ago...

23 years ago today, I lost my Mom due to complications with her diabetes. She developed pneumonia and spent 6 weeks in the hospital. The doctors were a bit baffled by what all was going on with her...some of it they just couldn't figure out. Anyway, they tried and tried to wean her off life support and she would panic and get scared whenever they tried and she just couldn't do it. The doctors eventually told her that if she lived, she'd be on life support the rest of her life. She made the decision that she wanted the life support turned off, but she didn't want to know when they were going to do it.

Those 6 weeks were very hard on all of us, I spent the 6 weeks being shipped from one relative's house to another while my Dad worked and was up at the hospital. On weekends, I went home to be with my Dad and he'd take me up to see her. One day, he sat me up on her hospital bed and he left. She sat and held my hand and told me that if anything ever happened to her she wanted me to always remember that she always loved me. I started crying and the nurses made me leave the room so I didn't upset her and get her crying too. Later, she sent me home a Strawberry Shortcake card home with the same message inside. I still have that card. It wasn't long after that I went off to school and the family all gathered around her bed while she was sleeping and the life support was turned off.

I came home from school and my Dad's mom and grandma had flown up to help look after me and they told me that my Dad wanted to talk to me in my bedroom. I knew then that something had happened. I walked in my room to see my Dad with tears in his eyes. He turned to me and told me "we lost her today, Jess, we lost her." I cried in his arms and then I wanted to go to my friend's house. She came to the door and I just muttered that my Mom died that day...she ran and got her Mom and I can still remember the way that they looked at me and her Mom just hugged me. When the time came to go to the showing, I didn't want to go. I stayed with my friend. The 2nd showing, I went to and I was so scared. I can remember my Dad taking me up to look at her and I thought that she was just sleeping. He took my hand and placed it over hers so that I would see that she wasn't going to wake up. I remember thinking that she was going to sit up and yell at me for trying to wake her. Instead, I remember thinking of how cold she was.

I remember being mad at myself that I couldn't cry, I stayed home from school for 2 weeks and when I went back everyone was so nice to me. She helped out at my school a lot and they even had a book dedicated to her in the library. I couldn't tell you what the name of it was though.

I don't remember her an awful lot and I beat myself up over that a lot...my real mom's family does too and they're always quick to correct me when I call my step-mom "Mom" in front of them. That hurts me too. I can remember her taking me rollerskating at the rink all the time, and we went camping a lot and rode our 3-wheelers all over. She took me to the movies and to the zoo and we went to Kings Island and Cedar Point a lot. I remember going places...but for the life of me I can't remember a whole lot of what her personality was like.

My Dad remarried my now step-mom (although I call her Mom now) a few months later and I've heard all sorts of things from that side of the family that because he remarried so quickly he must have been having an affair while she was on her death bed and all sorts of things. It got so bad that my Dad kept me from a lot of them, except for my Grandparents, for awhile. He didn't want them filling my head with all that crap.

Even to this day, I don't have much of a relationship with that side of the family. My Grandpa and Grandma were the best grandparents a girl could have ever asked for and I was my Grandma's girl. When I lost her back in 2002, my heart broke and I still cry over losing her to this day. I can remember my Uncle telling me shortly after she died that he felt sorry for himself over losing her and I got really upset and bitter. There's a difference to me over losing your mom when you were 8 years old and losing your Grandma when you were in your 20s and then losing your sister when you were in your 20s and then losing your Mom when you were in your late 30s/early 40s. I understand that it still hurts no matter what, but to tell your niece how sorry for your own self that you feel all after trying to keep me from my own Grandmother's bedside when she was dying because I had my own family to take care of still hurts too. But, that's a whole other story. But, it truly showed me that they don't understand any piece of my life and how much I have struggled with losing my Mom so young and then what they put on me over the years because of it too. Heck, my Mom's only sister put a guilt trip on me so bad over NYE last year because of the fact that I call my step-mom Mom and how I am a total disgrace to my real Mother and she went on and on to throw every mistake I have ever made in my life in my face and told me that the whole family thought I was whacko and needed to be in counseling. I wound up on my Mom (step-mom) porch step in tears so hard that I could barely breath asking her what made me such a horrible person. She sat and told me something that I had never known before. Apparently when her and my Dad started dating, she was nervous to meet me and my Dad told her that I could be hard to get to know, but once she did, she'd discover that I had a heart of gold and that I would do anything for anybody. She said that she honestly found that to be true and that I wasn't a horrible person. If anything, she felt that my Aunt (my real mom's sister) didn't know how to let go of her own bitterness and grief and she was just going to keep lashing out at me because I moved forward. I came home that night and blocked her e-mail address for a long time. I decided that I didn't need that negativity in my life and I figure one day she'll have my Mom (her sister) to answer to over how she's treated me since she passed away. I talk to her every once in a great while over e-mail now, but I decided the day she tries anything like that again I'm done. I've struggled enough with some of my life...I don't need any guilt trips over things I cannot control.

It's hard to explain and I am probably not doing it very well. Sometimes I yearn for a relationship with that side of the family...and other times I can see that I'm doing ok without it too.

I looked at my Deidra yesterday and realized that I wasn't that much older than her when I lost my Mom. My Dad really feels that if she controlled her diabetes a lot better than she did that she may still be alive today. I looked at Deidra and realized that I need to start taking a lot better care of myself so that she still has her Mom around when she has her own family. I don't want her to go through some of the things that I have had to.

Mom, I can't believe that it's been 23 years already. I still remember vividly the time in the hospital and some things that happened. I can remember you telling me good-bye. I can remember learning to read your lips. I can remember holding your hand and kissing your cheek. I can remember how much the doctors and nurses loved you. I went to see Dr. Farr when I was having some problems and he talked to me about you. He remembered you after so many years. He wrote me a letter and told me that if there was anything he could ever do for me, he was there for me. You've missed so many of my milestones, I so wish you would have been there at my high school graduation, on my wedding day, and to see my beautiful baby girl be born. You would totally love my little Deidra...she's sweet and spunky and I couldn't love her more. I remember how much you loved little babies...I think I must get that from you as I can never get enough of little ones either. I know Grandma was the same way too. I remember those 6 weeks that you spent in the hospital the most vividly of anything else. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I can still remember how nice and sunny it was on the day we lost you too, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I can even remember that I walked home from school wearing my little yellow coat. Why can I remember that stuff at 8 years old, but I can't remember your personality? Every once in awhile, I'll hear some old music on the radio and that will spark a memory that I didn't even know that I had and it'll hit me "hey, your Mom used to listen to that song."

I know you were with me too when Grandma died...I know you knew how hard that was for me and when your picture fell in my lap I knew you were trying to tell me that you were there with me.

I had a dream not too long ago that I found out that you really didn't die and that you were out there somewhere. I couldn't find you. I woke up and that dream haunted me for awhile.

I like to imagine you and Grandma up in Heaven drinking your daily tea together. That's another memory that I have now that I think about it. Driving to Grandma's everyday so you guys could share your cup of tea together. That's where I get my love of tea so much.... (that just made me smile). I also remember going into Montgomery Wards and having lunch with Grandma...that memory just came to me as well. Maybe I can remember more than I give myself credit for.

Thank you for loving me so much for those 8 years that I had you in my life and thank you for still loving me. I'm very fortunate to have had 2 mothers in this lifetime whom have both loved me with their whole hearts. I love you. I can't wait to meet you again one day.

I wondered today...does the day you die here on earth, become your birthday in Heaven? If it does, happy birthday, Mom!

Oh, and the Precious Moments picture at the top of this email...there's a story behind that. Someone (I forget who) gave a picture to my Grandparents of two Precious Moments people standing at heaven's gate that said "No Tears Past the Gate" and it had my Mom's birth/death info on it. Grandma told me that when her and Grandpa died, that picture would come to me. So, when I found that figurine, I knew it belonged with this post.