Thursday, June 30, 2011

Handing my anxiousness over to the Lord...

Emma and Tracie's birthmom left a message on my house phone yesterday. I had just set up a blog for her a week or so ago so we could communicate there. This is part of the reason I had cut contact with her about a year ago. She doesn't accept anything that I say and pushes and pushes for other means of contact. We had begun to get hang up calls from private/unknown callers around the time of Emma's birthday and my gut kept wondering if it was their birthmom. I am not doing visits anymore because of things that happened and on terms of our agreement and of course she doesn't know that I know the latest happenings either nor will I tell her as she'll just argue like she did last time that I wasn't being told the truth and blah blah blah. I trust the people that I'm hearing it from over her as she's lied to me in the past. Anyway, enough about that. I don't think badly of her nor do I speak of her in any ill ways towards the kids, not that they bring her up much anyway. I've told her that if the kids get older and want to see her/talk to her then I'll address it with her then, but for now we think visits are not good for them. I had to change my cell number as her and her family started texting/calling me all hours of the day and night constantly. I felt like I couldn't breathe and they were not "hearing" what I was saying to them. I needed some space and the girls need to be able to go forward and I really do think that they are blossoming and doing well. And after she called me a liar and a thief that pretty much told me that the girls don't need to be around her. Who knows what she'd try to fill their ears with at a visit now. I struggle with talking to her about it and trying to let her know where I'm coming from, although I know it would just end in another argument and her trying to manipulate the situation so I just keep quiet. It is what it is...this isn't about me trying to please her or her trying to please me...this is about the girls and what we think is best for them. If they asked to see her it would be different, but they don't.

Anyway, I started the blog and she gave me her cell number and wanted the girls to call her. I don't do phone calls with kids...we tried that once with Josiah's birthmom. He didn't want anything to do with it and she would talk and talk and talk to him and it was a struggle as he was too little, no attention span, and it was really more for her than it was for him anyway as he doesn't know who she is. She would call sometimes almost every day and sometimes she would call 2-3 times a day just to hear his voice. It was stressful. I vowed that I would never do it again. It surprised me though yesterday to find the girls' birthmom had gotten our number...granted I know that you can find anything with Google nowadays, but I hate doubting where she got it from and wondering if the fostermom that had the girls little brother gave it to her or what's going on. It made me anxious and fearful that now she'd know our home address and that she could show up at our house too. With kids that open the door to anyone (despite our trying to teach them that we don't open the door without Mommy or Daddy telling them that it's ok), it scares me. I don't like feeling fearful or anxious in my own home. I told her on our blog that I didn't want her calling the house as that was never part of any agreement that we had. How she takes that remains to be seen. But, I deserve to be in my own home and not cringe every time my phone rings. The girls don't answer the phone anyway, so I'm not necessarily worried about that. I just don't want her calling and invading what is our home...our safe haven. I don't want her showing up at our house. I haven't talked to her or sent her pictures since after Halloween. I finally felt like I could breathe again and now this. I don't want to let go of the peace that I've had. Please help me put this anxiousness and fearfulness into your hands Lord...please continue to give me your peace and joy. And I truly thank you for giving me my girls. They are precious and have come so far!

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