A struggle I've been struggling with lately

I would say a big one for me is time and the fact that everyone asks everything of me and yet when I ask something of them they can never respect my time or tell me an answer at the time. I always have to wait and see if it's convenient for them...no matter if I've done something and dealt with being inconvenienced of them.

Where am I coming from? Well, my family always taught me that family came first and that you could definitely depend on your family. If you couldn't depend on your family, then who could you depend on?

Well, I feel taken advantage of and yet at the same time I struggle with the fact that we're supposed to serve others and do so with a loving heart and I'm supposed to want to do these things for my family.

Yet, I find my brother, Zach, only calling when he wants/needs something. I'm not good enough to talk to any other time.

My Mom comes around every so often and she thinks that she sees the big picture when little things happen here and there and they get all drawn out of proportion and it does nothing for me but create more stress. And yet, I try to be supportive of her decisions with her own life even though I really don't agree with the timing of everything or why she's choosing some things.

My Dad asked me if I'd drive my brother, Zach, out to GA to get my Dad's pick-up so that he could drive it home and have it to find a job until my Dad moved out at Christmas. He got mad at me because he suggested that Zach and I could take turns driving out there and I told him that Zach wasn't driving my car. He's sick of everyone being so down on Zach. Well, I think my Dad and partly my Mom too is living in laa-laa land about the bad choices my brother makes. But, I'm also mad that this is falling on me to bring him out there.

My Mom was in MI last weekend for my Grandma's funeral and I was asked to keep an eye on my brother's. Jimmie spent a lot of time with us last weekend and we had fun, but it's so obvious how spoiled my Mom has him. He is constantly wanting fast food and to be ran here and there.

This weekend was Mom's weekend to join the sisters down south to see about becoming an Oblate. She asked me to take care of her catechism class that she teaches and she asked me to keep an eye on Jimmie since Zach was going to Austin this weekend. I told her that I was going to run over and grab Jimmie and take him Christmas shopping so he could buy her gift. She left him money and we went out and did that yesterday. He wanted to go to a friend's house this weekend and she had asked me to give him a ride home after he was threw over there. I never really said yes or no. Anyway, Jimmie never bought her a gift while we were out and I had offered to let him spend the night and he could go to his friend's house from here (Jimmie lives a half an hour away and his friend is 5 minutes from me) and he said maybe. Well, he wanted to come out here and get Andy to help him with something on his PSP...so we came out here. I thought he was going to spend the night or I would have brought him home once we were done shopping. He was here for an hour and he decided that he didn't want Hamburger Helper for dinner and he wanted me to take him back to Chili's (I took him out for lunch earlier) and I said no. Well, then he wanted to go home so he could enjoy the peace and quiet while Mom and Zach were gone. So, while I was wanting to spend time with my own family, I had to cart him back home and while I was taking him home he wanted McDonalds. I told him that he was paying and that I was upset that he never bought anything for Mom when that was that money was supposed to be for. He wanted the money to spend at the game store where he was going with his friend. Well, I finally got back home and I was just upset. My Mom has not taught these boys to think of anyone but themselves.

I get up this morning and go to church and I was in much better spirits when I got home. I walk in the door and we got ready to go to the grocery store before Andy had to head out to Ft. Worth to get Baby J's Christmas present from the Christmas Wish people. The phone rings and it's my brother, Jimmie. He wants a ride to his friend's house. I asked him why his friend's parents couldn't come get him and he said they just couldn't. Andy and I got into a small argument because we had to rearrange our plans and he's tired that he can't spend time with me wihtout me having to run all over after my brother. He told me to tell him that he had the opportunity to spend the night and go from here and he chose not to stay, so he shouldn't be able to go to his friend's house. I called him back and Jimmie said "well, I thought Mom had talked to you about this on Friday night." I told him that she said you may need a ride back home, but she didn't say anything to me about having to go get you and bring you over there and then have to turn around and bring you back when his parents wanted you to go. His friend's parents are odd...one tim they're ok with him having company over and then the next minute they want the company gone. Well, finally I said that I'd go get him and bring him over there, but that they were going to bring him home. He was mad, but whatever. Andy is still a little mad at me over going to get him, but whatever. I just didn't want another hassle from my Mom and I was trying to remember that it was the Christmas season and I was trying to be in the right spirit.

I guess I just feel though that nobody understands how busy I am during the week and I'm mad that my brother's are both so spoiled that they don't think of anyone else but themselves. Jimmie could have at least offered gas money or something, but then again he's not driving yet so he has no concept of how quickly you go through gas or how much it even costs. And I'm mad at my Mom that she doesn't help us out or if we do ask for something, she never can commit to it until the last minute because she thinks she's too old to have a schedule to commit to and she just wants to do things when she wants to do them. Yet, she can go galavanting all over and I'm the one left taking care of my brothers...it leaves me feeling a little like I used to when I was younger. She could go and do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to when they were younger too...I was always there to have to babysit them. Yet, I look at how busy my schedule is and all the stress of home visits, keeping my house clean, and the kids doctor/school/therapy stuff, and all the inspections we've had too and it would be nice to just have some time to spend with my own family rather than having to cater to everyone else. And my brother, Jimmie, says well....that was your choice to have all those kids. That's not even what I'm complaining about...it's the fact that nobody ever even asks if there's anything I need help with or what I have going on before I'm being told that I need to do this or that for my Mom or my brothers and now my Dad too. My Dad's problem I can understand though...he doesn't have a way to move his vehicles to TX if he's driving his semi from load to load and he can't afford to take the time off as he doesn't have any vacation or anything. But, it's still something I really don't want to have to deal with.

And yes, I realize that I sound horribly selfish. :-(