Feeling low...

I've had so much going on and I'm trying to slow down. Since Thanksgiving and the family argument, things have been weird. Things with the kids have me stressed out not knowing when/what is going on. The kids have all been out of whack lately and some behaviors are escalating. I'm tired and exhausted. Andy's been going out with the co-workers more. I'm feeling more and more like the maid and Mom than the Wife. We've been arguing a bit more lately. We're going through a dry spell and it's making me feel unsettled. I know we'll be fine, I just hate feeling this way.

I had a chance to go out on NY day with my Mom. We talked about a lot of things. I know I'm majorly battling a case of the lonlies, although I didn't really realize it until I told my Mom that I just really missed being able to hang out with friends. I talk with my best friends on the phone, and it greatly helps, but I miss being able to just hang out. I need to find a good friend down here.

I saw a friend that I used to work with on Christmas Eve and I hadn't seen him in a year. We made eye contact just before the service started and as I got up to leave we made eye contact again and he smiled at me. I got up to make my way back to talk to him. He has the gift of the Holy Spirit and he's fed my soul many a time without actually knowing what was going on with me, but telling me exactly what I needed to hear at the time. And I didn't actually realize until I was talking to my Mom about him on NY, that is what he was doing. My Mom said that when he went to pray with her on Christmas Eve when she was feeling low, he hit the nail on the head to her about something that she had been praying about and he wasn't even aware of what was going on either. I told my Mom that sometimes I have a hard time seeing people that have such gentle hearts for God as I miss that part of Andy and I's relationship. Yes, he believes in God, but he doesn't talk about God openly and he doesn't guide our family all that spiritually. It's hard to explain, I guess. Mom said that when we went to Mass on New Years, she told Mary that she was awfully lucky to have a Joseph that guided her, loved her unconditionally, and obeyed God with how he took his responsibilities and took care of Mary and Jesus. She said that she wanted to find her Joseph and I started to tear up and I got choked up. I reached across the table and took her hand and I couldn't speak for awhile. She named some people that she thought were Joseph's that we have known growing up and so forth and my friend from church was one of them. My first crush that lasted for many years, was one of them. His father was one of them. A church family that we know, she named the father. I told her that I wished Andy would take on more of that role, but I know that I can't change him and it's not like we don't have a good marriage...I just miss being able to talk/share about my faith in God with him and him with me so that we could feed one another spiritually as well. But, I guess I just have to pray about it and turn it over to God. God knows both of our hearts and only He can truly bring about the change.

In the meantime, I need to spend a lot more time on my relationship with God to get me through this anxiety in my life right now and to get me through this feeling of being lonely and feeling low.