Blow up...

I came home from a meeting at Deidra's school about where she's going to go next year. They're being given a choice for middle school as they didn't intend for the elementary schools to get split up when they went to middle school, but with our current zoning 36 5th graders from our elementary school would be going to another middle school than the rest of their class. I guess the intention was that 3 elementary schools would attend one middle school and the other 3 elementary schools would attend the other middle school. I wasn't even in the door 5 minutes and trying to talk with Andy about what I found out when Andy's mom had to get in on the conversation. It has nothing to do with her so I was just frustrated. I let it go... I was going to let her go to the one that she wanted until I found out that we'd have no bus service as it's less than 2 miles away and the one that I was going to have her go to is literally right outside our neighborhood.

Tonight, Deidra had a semi-meltdown about not wanting to go to the one here and how she was going to lose touch with her friends and not being able to see them over the next 3 years and if we were going to get another high school in our district like they are projecting, she may not get to stay with them like she wanted to. They also had people come in from the main middle school the kids are going to be attending to tell them all about their new school, the reward system, dress code, and all that stuff and they got to hear the band play. I had a feeling that we'd discuss things that night and that she may change her mind about being ok with going to the school at the end of our street. Andy made a comment about how she was always so dramatic and Andy's Mom jumped all over her telling her what she was and wasn't going to do and how certain things just weren't an option. That set me off as this isn't her desicion at all and I was the one that went to the meeting and here she is acting like she's the "know-it-all" on the subject. No final decision has to be made until June 1. I tried to let it go, but then Deidra stormed off and we were trying to get dinner cleaned up and Melina wanted a drink. Andy's Mom was in the living room and I asked Andy if the green cup was hers that was on the counter. All of a sudden, Andy's Mom ran into the kitchen and said "oh, you liked the green peppers in teh salad...what else do you want in here?" And she started sticking her fingers int o the salad bowl (MIL, not Melina). I finally realized what she was thinking and I was annoyed and I said "I said something about her green cup, it doesn't have anything to do with the salad." Well, she started trying to give her tomatoes and I said "no, she doesn't need anything else to eat and she didn't eat her dinner either." I pushed the salad bowl away and said No, Melina. Andy started telling her no as well. All of a sudden, Andy's Mom handed it to her anyway. I immediately said "you know, I guess my "no's" aroudn here don't mean anything" and I turned to walk out the door. She said "I'm sorry" and I told her "no, you're not or you wouldn't do this stuff every day." I went to try and find Deidra and when I came back she had gone to walk her dog. I told Andy that I'm done with all of this. Melina gets really bad butt rush when she has too many tomatoes and she had already had some the day before, that afternoon, and she didn't need anymore. It's not like I just do this stuff for the heck of it. Andy informed me that she was already starting to get a diaper rash from when he changed her when I was trying to find Deidra. She came back and we had it out. I told her that I'm tired of trying to get my kids to learn certain things and I realize she just wants to be Grandma but they need to know and understand what "no" means. My 3 little ones with attachment problems need to learn to come to Mommy and Daddy and not glom onto Grandma. They need to be redirected back to us. Instead they ignore us, act ugly to us, and try to get what they want from Grandma instead. While we've talked about this numerous times and told her what the attachment therapist has said, it's not sinking in. I told her to put herself in my position where you desperately want to build relationships with your kids and you see them constantly acting ugly to you and wanting to be sweet and charming to someone else. Their most important bond that they could ever form imo is to form an attachment with Andy and myself. Anyone else in part of the next outside circle imo. And they don't have an attachment to her either...they just want to see who's the weakest link and who will give them what Mommy and Daddy have already said no to. I don't know if I'm explaining this correctly, but I've just had it. She can be just as manipulative as the kids try to be as well. She was crying and kept saying "I made a mistake, I'm sorry." I told her "this happens all of the time, I say something, and you go right back to what I'm mad about." She doesn't see that. I decided to pick my battles and I didn't say anything else. I don't think she sees an accurate view of how she is and that her boundaries are poor herself. Even our attachment therapist has commented on that to Andy. She said that she only ever wanted to be a help and she didn't realize that she was making it harder and that she'd look for her own apt. Neither one of us said anything and I think she was looking for us to tell her that she didn't have to do that. However, we've been trying to figure out for the last couple of months how to tell her that she needed to start looking for her own place. It's just getting too difficult and the kids are causing triangulation and for their own benefit, this just can't keep happening.