The embarrassed one at Bible study...

So, we had our candlelit tea for Bible study last night. I had been looking forward to going. Normally, Mom picks me up and we go together. She texted me and told me she'd meet me there (that should have been my first clue). I get there and go to walk up to the door and Mom honks at me. So, I go walk out and meet her and we go in together. She talks to me for a bit about Jimmie and some stuff that she had found out about his football. They recruited 60 people to play football and they'll be weeding some out as they go. They have a team this year for the first time, but they're not actually playing any games against anyone until next year. This year will just be training and working out. But, I guess next year they're bringing in another 60 and they plan on being pretty competitive. The players will be the best they have with the best grades also. Mom is praying that God will favor Jimmie.

Anyway, the rest of the women were showing up and we got some crepes and some tea and shared in some fellowship. We answered our Bible study questions and then we gathered around and sang together and we went around the room asking for prayer requests. One of the ladies stopped everyone and wanted to hear about the court hearing last week. I told her it wasn't last week, it was this week. So, they wanted to pray for that. The Bible study leader wanted to know their names so she could pray for them by name and I told them all the sibling names. Mom spoke up and said that she just felt they would be a burden. At that, the ladies asked "to the birthparents?" At that point, I could feel the tears in my eyes. I couldn't speak or I knew I would start crying. Mom says "no, to them and she nods her head my way." She said "we need to pray for the kids and what happens to them that it's in their best interest." One of the ladies looked a little confused and asked something as she didn't realize that was my Mom. At that point, I was staring at the floor. Mom says "they're good parents, but I just feel the kids would be a huge burden." And I've never felt so embarrassed...all I could really do was stare at the floor. Prayer ended, I picked up my dishes and everyone was telling me that I'd have their prayers this week and all I could do was say "thank you." The prayer group leader told me they tried to adopt a little girl once and that she'd be praying for me. I said thank you and I wanted to talk to her, but yet I knew if I even opened my mouth, I'd be bursting into tears. I only have been around some of these ladies maybe 4 times, so I just didn't want to be that person. Mom told me she was leaving as she was tired and I figured that was a good leaving point and I walked out the door with her. We walked to our cars, I almost left without giving her a hug good-bye, walked over to her hugged her and said "bye," got in my car and dissolved into tears on the way home. She has been so negative to me recently...

"I wonder what would have happened had your Dad and I stood up at your wedding and said that we didn't agree with your wedding?"

"I don't like your neighborhood."

The comment last week about how I get to stay at home and do whatever I want because my husband makes good money.

She's criticized my parenting with Deidra and that we wore shorts to church one Sunday.

And now apparently we're not good enough for the girls.

I came home last night and Andy knew something was wrong. I sat on the couch and talked to him about it and he was very supportive. She's not around enough to know what goes on around here. She sees bits and pieces and thinks she knows the full story. She compares all of the bad behaviors in our kids to my brother, Zach, and yes, I know he was a handfull, but she sees every one of those behaviors as a burden. Well, if she's not over helping or babysitting and dealing with those behaviors...who is she to say what we need or what these kids need?

Andy told me last night that he thinks I just need to distance myself from her for awhile. I told him I just don't understand how she can be so wishy washy. Even when we were adopting Josiah and going through all the battles with lack of sleep, dealing with his screeching and his melt-downs she told me to think long and hard about adopting him. I came back and told her that I strongly believe that the kids in our house are here for a reason and that God will help me to deal with them and their behaviors and that He will show me the best way to help them. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. We don't get to pick our behavior traits in our biological children, I don't feel that we get that with our foster/adopt children either. I strongly believe in my heart that Josiah was the baby that I had been praying for. She told me that I had my head on straight and that I needed to follow what God had put on my heart. She was so excited on Josiah's adoption day. And she told me that she could finally put her guard down and be close to him now as she didn't have to worry about him going away and trying to protect her heart.

Now, I see her doing the same thing... seeing these kids is not easy for us at all. We want what is best for all of them and each one that leaves takes a part of our hearts with them. But, I just don't think saying things like she said last night is cool...that's hurtful on top of everything else. I don't know...I'm just really hurt. I think I'm going to keep some space for awhile. And yet, what is sticking out in my mind from Bible study...if we don't run into some persecution now and then, we're not doing the works of the Lord. If Jesus was persecuted, we'll be persecuted from following Him too. I think my Mom sees the kids as that they keep me from her at times because they do keep me so busy. Yet, she doesn't come over much either and when she does, she's criticizing my husband for something afterwards. I don't know, sometimes I feel like she'd prefer me to wind up in her shoes. Andy and I love each other...do we have some personality traits that get on each others nerves...yes. But, what couple doesn't?

All I know is I'm done sharing with my Mom about behaviors, what's going on with the foster kids (well, she doesn't know everything anyway...), and what Andy and I are thinking about things (foster/adoption wise). It's not her decision anyway really. Whatever we decide, she can either accept or not accept...and the bottom line is that it's her loss. It's not ours.

And I've explained to her before when we talked about pro-life and the Catholic family. Andy and I don't use birth control. Obviously, we have some issues that she's well aware of. But, even if we didn't...most Catholics that don't use birth control have several kids. When we started the foster care journey to add to our family, we determined that if we were asked to adopt, we'd say yes. If the kids were meant to reunify with their families, we were ok with that too. We just figured that God would give us our forever family according to His will and that the kids in our Home were here for a reason, whether they stayed for a little while or if they stayed forever. We trusted Him to bring us our forever children. And we still believe that.