Range of Emotions

Nobody can prepare you for the range of emotions that becoming a foster parent brings. You see these little children and what they have been put through and your heart breaks for them...yet at the same time you're so excited to have them here in your home to love and spoil and we see what true blessings they are. I bonded instantly with J...although it took me about a week to finally make some breakthroughs with E.

Then, I was informed within a couple days of one another about E's visit and then J's visit with their mamas. That alone brought some emotions with it for me. It was hard to let them go a little bit...I wanted to protect them and I saw my momma bear protective instincts come out a little bit...that's when I realized that I was a lot more attached to E than I had previously thought.

Anyway, there was some confusion with J's visit although we finally got it all worked out. We took him out to the hospital to see her on Saturday and I had wanted to take a picture of him with his mom for his room, but we weren't allowed to go back in the room. So, I'll just have to ask for pictures later when I send some of J to his mom. I did want to meet her and let her know that we were going to take good care of J and that I would write her letters and send pics so she'd know how he was doing while she was so far away. Andy told me that I was getting too involved and that I needed to let the caseworkers do their things and that we needed to keep our distance. I don't know if I totally agree...but I'll start out slow with letters and pictures and see how she takes it. Andy told me to keep in mind that she may not see that we're helping...she may be angry at us. I told him that her caseworker doesn't see that apparently as she was going to set up a visit with his mom and J right here at our house...it was us that wasn't comfortable with that. But, I said that I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and I'll start out with the letter and the pictures and see what transforms after that. Anyway, J was all happy when he saw us pull up to get him and Deidra was especially happy that he was back with us.

For E's visit I went and picked out a few small things for her birthday (she turned 18 the day after they placed E with us) for him to bring to her for his visit today. He left this morning shortly before 11 and when they left, my heart hurt a little bit. I couldn't explain it...it just did. Anyway, Deidra wanted me to bring her and J out to lunch and so I took them to Burger King. We had just sat down and started eating when my cell rang. It was the transport worker saying that E's mom never showed up. My heart broke for him. We finished eating and came home to be here for when E came back home. Granted, I understand that he's little and doesn't understand all this...but my heart hurt that his momma couldn't show up for his sake. When the doorbell rang and he saw me, he broke out into this huge grin and that made me smile. The transport worker said that his mom did finally call them back and said that she was sick and didn't have a ride. I told the transport lady that you'd have thought that she would have called that in this morning. She said that she understood where I was coming from and that she was going to try to schedule the next one here in our town. I guess she tried to do it for this one, but the mom wanted it done out of region instead of here. I told the transporter that just makes it more inconvenient for everyone. Not to mention, that considering where his mom lives, this is a lot closer as well and it doesn't involve us having to bring him (or the transport worker having to come 50 minutes) to get him and bring him back either. She left and I was feeding him lunch and he just kept grinning at me. I'll never forget how he grinned when he saw me open the door. I want to cry just thinking about it...but he's definitely bonded to us that's for sure. I went to put him down for his nap and he just wrapped his arms around my neck. I can only hope that next time his mama will show up for his sake. Poor little guy!

Yes, there are some things I guess I just wasn't prepared for emotionally in this journey...but I will be here for these kids every step of the way...they have already taken up such huge pieces of my heart. And this is just the beginning really...we've had J for 25 days...and E we've only had for 2 weeks. I just want to wrap my arms around the both of them and never let them go.