Friday, October 19, 2007

Struggling and feeling selfish...

This is something that I haven't really talked about here. But, here goes...

Ever since my Mom and Dad's divorce, my Mom has really gotten in deep into her faith. For awhile it was annoying that you couldn't have a regular conversation with her...everything went back to God and what He would want. Don't get me wrong...I'm a Christian and I depend on my faith to get me through a lot too, but she has desperately gotten in pretty deep. Her and I have had our fair share of arguments over it all. However, after a year or so I just got used to it and now I know it's just a part of who she is and I can always depend on her for Godly advice in any given situation.

Anyway, a couple years ago she started feeling called to be a sister (nun) and she found out about the third order (an order especially for those sisters who have been married, have children...that sort of thing). She prayed about it for a long while and this year she decided to start attending the meetings to find out more and next May she'll receive her orders. Now, this of course is huge. She talked to us kids about it. While I didn't necessarily agree with the timing of things and felt that she needed to finish raising my brothers first, I gave her my support. She's got to do what she feels she's called to do. I still think she needs to wait for my youngest brother to finish school before she really gets involved with this...(he's a junior in high school), but she said that God has been calling her for a couple of years now and she feels that she needs to do this. Well, she drives 6 hours down there to the monestary each month...stays for the weekend with the other sisters who are interested in joining the third order...and then she drives home. I check in with my brother and whatnot while she's gone.

Here's where I'm struggling. I get upset sometimes that she's got these boys to finish raising and Zach clearly isn't making the right choices...Jimmie's the spoiled youngest one that Mom dotes on and gives everything to...and I see him following right behind Zach. I don't think he'll be as bad as Zach is...but there's definitely room for improvement. But, I get mad too that she's always giving me the guilt trip to of how I'm always busy with the kids and I don't have time for her anymore and yet when I called her today to see if she wanted to go out with Deidra and I to go shopping, she told me that she was going to go home and pack for her trip. She had changed her mind about leaving early Sunday morning to meet with the sisters and is now leaving early tomorrow morning instead. Jimmie asked her to wait to do this until after he graduated, but nope she had to start this year. As a matter of fact, her first meeting was the weekend of my birthday so she wasn't even here for my birthday this year. That hurt a bit, but I kept telling myself that she had to do what she felt she was being called to do and my selfishness couldn't and shouldn't stand in the way.

She asked me if I wanted to go down there with her this weekend...she knows that I have to work. Then, I got this talk about how I needed to get out of the Depot and how maybe she'd take Margaret with her (this was the friend that we were having issues with due to her bad body odor that she had actually taken a break with over the summer and it's been nice) instead. I told her if she feels called to do this, she needs to do's not about finding someone to do it with you. Not something like this anyway. She told me how she thought I'd make a good Benedictine and the good part about the third order was that you could still be married and have your were just called to higher things. Why do I feel so selfish? I jsut want to be able to do things with my Mom when I want her around. I want her to be able to do things with her grandchildren when they want/need her around. I want her to notice what is going on with her sons and that she needs to be there for them. They're not going to admit that...but I just am worried about the timing of all of this.



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