Little J and Baby D have gone home...

We had a pizza party for them last night and I gave Little J a cross necklace so that she would always remember that no matter where life took her that Jesus was always with her. I gave Baby D a new blanket with a fire truck on it that was soft and cuddly. My caseworker had given them each a teddy bear to bring home to cuddle as well. Saying good-night was hard, Andy broke down crying when he said good-night to Baby D, and after we put the boys down to bed I went to cuddle with Little J while Andy talked with his Dad. Little J started crying and I started crying...then the wolf spider (Mr. Big himself) decided to crawl up next to us and we had to get Andy off the phone to come kill it...we got to hear him scream like a girl...so that made us laugh instead of cry. We put the girls to bed and Little J thanked us for being good to her and for making her be good and for taking them to do fun things. She kept telling me that she didn't want to leave. I made it through a tearful good-night and then tried to finish packing them up. I went to go to bed myself and tossed and turned all night long.

I got the girls up for school this morning and Little J was tearful this morning, which also made me cry. I got them to school and spent some time with Baby D talking to him about what was going to happen and so forth and he didn't understand that it wasn't just his visit, he wasn't coming back here. I gave him a bath and just spent some time cuddling him. It came time to go get the girls from school and Andy came home and I cried all the way to the school. I managed to pull myself together just before I was supposed to get her and when her teacher put her in the car, she started crying too and so the tears started flowing again. I cried all the way to Deidra's school and Little J kept asking me all these questions and I couldn't answer as I was crying and trying to hide it. Finally she asked me "Mommy, are you crying?" She started crying when we picked Deidra up when Deidra asked to go get ice cream and I said that we didn't have time as the CPS worker was coming right away to get Little J and Baby D. Little J cried and cried that she was so so sad and she didn't want to leave us. Then, she kept saying that her tummy hurt and she didn't feel very good. I told her that I thought it was just nerves. She got in the house and the kids all played together for a bit and we got some great pics. It was hard. Then the doorbell rang and I put my brave face on. They actually couldn't fit all their stuff in their two cars so they're coming back out on MOnday to get the rest of the kids things. I learned again that not all foster parents are like us. Their brother only had 3 bags to take home with him. Little J and Baby D had 8 garbage bags full of toys to bring home, Little J had 5 bags of clothes, Baby J had 2 bags of clothes, and they had several other bags full of their coats, shoes, and other miscellaneous stuff. I had made up a bag with their bedtime stuff in it and their tooth brushes for each of them, and I gave them their scrapbooks and all their meds to bring home with them along with a few diapers for Baby D in case they didn't have any yet. And both kids had their bikes to bring home with them and Baby D had a ride-on Mater to bring home too. Anyway, we all said our good-byes and Baby D started saying good-bye to the CPS worker and I had to explain that he was going with them. CPS asked if we wanted to walk out with them and I was fighting tears at that point, so I declined and told her just to take them or I'd start to cry and I didn't want to upset Little J and have her cry again. They left and I turned to Andy and cried for them.

I got an e-mail from the CPS worker saying that things went well returning them home, they thought their scrapbooks were adorable, and the Mom didn't have any issues with Little J calling us. So, I'm hoping and praying for the best and I hope that the parents can truly see that I loved their children while we had them and that they were well-taken care of. Our therapist will continue seeing the children at their home and the Mom wanted to stick with the same doctors that we were using for the kids, so it makes me feel a bit better too knowing that some sense of what was normal here will be normal to them there too...if that makes sense.

My heart is very broken today and I miss them. Baby J saw a little girl when we were at the park with blonde hair and he kept screaming Little J's name. I know he must miss Baby D an awful lot too as they were truly buds and did everything together. Deidra is acting out one minute and then quiet the next, and she's quiet about what she's feeling and then when I try and talk to her about it she says she's just sad. So, I think she's just dealing with things in her own way. It's going to be hard. My Mom and Dad have both called to check on me today as well as a couple close friends. I have my moments where I think I'm fine and I turn and see something or hear something and I'm in tears. Like my caseworker said though "you can't take care of these children for months at a time and not get your emotions wrapped around them and what they're going through...you can't help but love them." We talked for awhile and she said "you're the ones out of all of us that know them the best, it makes me sad and I only see them some of the time...they've lived with you for almost 9 months...it's ok to be sad and to miss them." This is the first long-term placement we've had to say good-bye too and I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn't expect it to be this hard. I'm a mess...I really am.