Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Pouring my heart out...

Ever since we had Deidra, I've wanted another baby. We've been through more infertility treatments (although we haven't been as agressive as we were with Deidra), trying naturally, miscarriage, fostering to hopefully adopt, and yet I still have this desire to have our own baby again. I talked to Andy a few months ago about trying clomid again and he said no. It hurt, but I had to respect his wishes. I looked at all the itty bitties at our foster care picnic and I felt the familiar yearnings and everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a newborn.

I got insurance again as of June 1 and I've made a committment to myself to get back to being healthy and trying to lose this weight again. I'm exercising again as of yesterday and eating healthier. I figured I'd talk to Andy about seeing if I could get myself back to being healthy again and at a good healthy weight if then he'd be willing to try for a baby.

We sat down last night and he said that he felt like I blindsided him with this and that we had moved on and that we were going to foster to adopt to add to our family. He said that he just didn't want there to be a huge age difference between Deidra and the new baby and she was already turning 8 and he just felt that we missed our chance. He said me getting back to the size I'd like to be could take a year or two, it's not like we're talking weeks or months. I never knew he felt this way. He just says "I love you." I asked him if he realized that we weren't using any form of birth control and he said yeah, but that would be an accident later so it's not like we were actively trying to get pregnant. I think that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard him say, but I think if he feels this strongly about it...it's time for me to learn to let go and I don't know if I know how to do that seeing how Deidra's about to be 8 and I still have these feelings. I told him people have babies in their 30s all the time...he wanted me to ask myself if I had a definite relationship with my brothers and I said that I was closer to Jimmie than Zach, but I told him that even with his brother and him there's a 5 year age gap and they don't have any relationship there hardly at all and he said that isn't the point...they did when they were younger. So, I just don't know what to think anymore. I love him with all of my heart, but this really hurts. I told him I wouldn't bring it up again either after I saw how aggravated he was by it all. He's obviously moved forward and I haven't yet.

But, I did make him a committment after hearing how worried he's been about my weight that I would be a healthier me by the end of summer and that I would stick with trying to be healthier and losing this weight. Yesterday was day 1.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

You go girl! I know how hard it is to loose weight. Just the huge mental block that goes with it. But you've accomplished at least day one. Keep going. Its amazing how God (not us) can change husbands minds. If anything you are taking care of His temple!

5:26 AM  

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