Trying to take care of myself too...

I love my family more than anything, but I am realizing more and more that I am no good to anybody if I don't take care of myself too. I feel guilty taking time out for myself as so much needs to be done around here or the kids need this or that. But, I also know that nobody is going to take care of me and what I need for myself, if I don't take the time out for me. I got really upset at Andy this morning when I asked him to take Melina again so that I could take a shower before he had to leave for work and he just gave me a look like I was totally invading his time. I told him to forget it and went and fed Melina instead. I wasn't going to get in a fight over it, but it really hurt. All the juggling that I do around here and I can't even get a 5 minute shower. I haven't had a shower now for a couple of days. Part of it is my fault as I said that I was going to start taking them at night as this seems to be a sore spot for Andy in the morning to have to watch her for a couple of minutes so that I can get a shower in, but I have been so tired at night that I have been falling asleep on the couch.

I love to read and I love to scrapbook. I noticed when I got the kids involved in the summer reading program at the library that they had just started an adult reading program. I went ahead and joined. I've only read one book so far as it takes me awhile to read a book now with the baby and everything else going on, but I noticed that I've felt a little better with that time to do something that I enjoy.

I also got back into digiscrapping this week. I only did 3 pages so far, but it's a start. I felt better knowing that I got something accomplished in Josiah's scrapbook again.

I've also been trying to watch Joyce Meyer for a half an hour in the morning. I don't always get it in, but it's something to uplift my spirits and feed my soul with.

I am also back to doing sparkpeople and watching my calories and trying to start exercising again. I need to be healthier and take care of the body that God gave me. I need to be a healthy mom to all of my children as well as they all need me to be around for a long time (God-willing).

I am trying to pamper myself so that I can keep going. I hate feeling drained or burned out sometimes and I know that if I can indulge myself sometimes it will go a long way.

Had my 2-week post op check

Had my 2-week post op appt today. Everything looks good! The nurse told me how much smaller I look. 24 lbs gone! :-) Hoping it will be even more when I go back for my 6-week check up in June.

Lost all my baby weight..

I am thrilled that I am now officially 1 lb less than what I weighed when I started this pregnancy. It's nice to feel normal again without all the pregnancy hormones running through my system as well!

Trying to lose this baby weight...

I'm thrilled that I gained 21 lbs during this pregnancy and I'm already down 16 lbs. 5 more to go and I'll be at my starting weight. YEAH!

New Years Goals...

Well, I think this is the year to lose this weight I want to get off. I'd like to digiscrap at least one layout a day. I'd like to read 1-2 books a month. I'd like to spend some time with God for at least 15 minutes a day. I'd like to make a few local friends down here to spend some time with. I'd also like to continue doing well in ebay and paying off our debts to become debt-free. I'd also like to stay current with fly lady and keeping my house clutter free.

Old pics and weight loss...

I was recently emptying out some old totes looking for pictures that I had hung up on the wall and I came across my senior picture from high school. I hung it on my family wall and decided that I waas going to use it as motivation to lose this weight that I've gained since I graduated. Of course infertility treatments and pregnancy and a hypothyroid all contributed, but I'm not making any excuses anymore. I am determined to get this weight off.

Then, I was at my Mom's and she's been trying to purge a bunch of stuff and she found old homecoming pics of me. All I could think of was "man, to be that skinny again" and "oh to be that young again."

I was just telling Andy the other day that I really miss high school and marching band days sometimes.


I will see my old high school weight again...I am determined now!

Pouring my heart out...

Ever since we had Deidra, I've wanted another baby. We've been through more infertility treatments (although we haven't been as agressive as we were with Deidra), trying naturally, miscarriage, fostering to hopefully adopt, and yet I still have this desire to have our own baby again. I talked to Andy a few months ago about trying clomid again and he said no. It hurt, but I had to respect his wishes. I looked at all the itty bitties at our foster care picnic and I felt the familiar yearnings and everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a newborn.

I got insurance again as of June 1 and I've made a committment to myself to get back to being healthy and trying to lose this weight again. I'm exercising again as of yesterday and eating healthier. I figured I'd talk to Andy about seeing if I could get myself back to being healthy again and at a good healthy weight if then he'd be willing to try for a baby.

We sat down last night and he said that he felt like I blindsided him with this and that we had moved on and that we were going to foster to adopt to add to our family. He said that he just didn't want there to be a huge age difference between Deidra and the new baby and she was already turning 8 and he just felt that we missed our chance. He said me getting back to the size I'd like to be could take a year or two, it's not like we're talking weeks or months. I never knew he felt this way. He just says "I love you." I asked him if he realized that we weren't using any form of birth control and he said yeah, but that would be an accident later so it's not like we were actively trying to get pregnant. I think that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard him say, but I think if he feels this strongly about it...it's time for me to learn to let go and I don't know if I know how to do that seeing how Deidra's about to be 8 and I still have these feelings. I told him people have babies in their 30s all the time...he wanted me to ask myself if I had a definite relationship with my brothers and I said that I was closer to Jimmie than Zach, but I told him that even with his brother and him there's a 5 year age gap and they don't have any relationship there hardly at all and he said that isn't the point...they did when they were younger. So, I just don't know what to think anymore. I love him with all of my heart, but this really hurts. I told him I wouldn't bring it up again either after I saw how aggravated he was by it all. He's obviously moved forward and I haven't yet.

But, I did make him a committment after hearing how worried he's been about my weight that I would be a healthier me by the end of summer and that I would stick with trying to be healthier and losing this weight. Yesterday was day 1.

I hate health insurance...

the one downside to Andy's insurance policy at work is that it's over $400 just to add me to his plan and if we want to add both me and Deidra it's over $900 a month. They pay for Andy...he just has to pay for part of his funding his HSA.

So, we decided to put Deidra and I on a individualized plan of our own...I just hate that we can't all be on one plan to make it simpler. Oh well...it's not Andy's fault that his company's insurance policy is so expensive for a family plan.

Not feeling the greatest...

I woke up to the arrival of AF this morning. I'm cramping pretty badly and just feeling very tired. Add to the fact that I'm also trying to get a cold...ears are sore, throat is starting to hurt, and I'm running a little fever. So, I decided that since I had to cancel therapy for Baby D and Little J today that I was going to have myself a mental health day and try to get the house cleaned and back in order a little more. I started out with great intentions, but I haven't really gotten much accomplished other than one load of laundry folded and a new load thrown in the washer. The boys are taking a really long nap now that I finally got them down to bed and I have been taking that time to enter my sparkpeople.com stuff to try to get back to being healthy and monitoring more closely what foods and calories that I'm consuming. I also started exercise today and I did the strength exercises that they gave me to do and I also did 1-mile with WATP. Now, I'm extra crampy so I'm trying to take it easy. I really need to pick up the living room and vacuum, but I really would rather go curl up with a book on the couch.

First weigh-in

Did my first weigh-in for my first week on program. Had a few slip-ups along the way, but I lost 4 lbs!

Starting with my losing weight goals again...

If anyone is interested in being a weight loss buddy or anything this year...I'm posting on my weight loss blog again. It's www.healthiermom.blogspot.com if anyone wants to join me or help to keep me motivated.

Started my diet today...

Well, one thing I am going to work on in this new year is to get myself healthier and I'd like to lose at least 50 lbs. Today I'm starting with working on my weight loss and I started my diet today.

Getting all dressed up for my honey...

Can't wait to go out to dinner tonight for our anniversary. I found an online seller through ebay that I just love their clothes. I won my first item and got it yesterday. Some sellers say their sizes run small, so I ordered carefully. It's a little on the big side, but it will work. I can't wait to get all dressed up in it and my black skirt. I'll attach a picture so you can see. :-) We're going to Buca di Beppo's for dinner. www.bucadibeppo.com Mmmm! Can't wait to load up on italian food.

a close up of the beadwork


my new shirt...

Struggling with this weight loss thing...

I have been struggling as well. When I try to lose weight, it seems like the reasons that I overeat come into play and I'm forced to look at past pains in my life and ones that I'm currently struggling with as well and to avoid the pain, I just eat and try to forget about it. I know it sounds stupid, but I am going to really start reading the Purpose Driven Life as well and start to tell myself the reasons why I have to do this. I know I need to do it for my health...I really do, but it just seems like I give up on myself sometimes. My mom has been telling me for a long time that I need to start caring about myself and that she thought I was struggling a bit with my self-esteem. I don't really see that...I think I believe in myself...but then I hear things with the negativity around me where other people don't necessarily believe in my decisions and think I need to do other things than what I believe, so I just give up. I tell myself what I believe isn't important. Well, today, I'm going to start changing that and if I ruffle a few feathers, I'm going to tell myself that while I normally don't like to do that...that it really is ok for me to do sometimes.

Abba, please give me the will power to do this for me. I know I need to do this for me. Help me to believe in myself and know that You above all believe in me too.

Hopping back on the weight loss train...

Well, this bleeding that I have going on is getting heavier and heavier. I researched some ways to naturally treat it since my doctor just wants to put me either on the pill or on fertility meds. Everything is coming back to good blood sugar control, a diabetic diet, weight loss, and natural progesterone cream. My Medifast board is having a "NO Cheat September" and I plan on starting up tomorrow. I NEED to do something. Wish me luck...

Well, my first day back on plan...

didn't go so very well. I got in a few supplements, but not all of them. Then, when it came time for dinner, I figured having a little of the sloppy joe bake that I made wouldn't hurt me since Deidra wound up going to Gramma's and I didn't want Andy to have to eat by himself...what a dumb reason for giving in. I will do Day 1 today the right way.

Abba, please help me stay on track today and fight anything that stands in my way or creeps into my thoughts. I need to do this!

Taking some initiatives...

Come on gals help keep me accountable!

We joined Dave Ramsey's My Total Money Makeover last night. We're basically already following his stuff, but we're not being as disciplined with paying off our debts as we would like to be...so we gave ourselves a 30 day challenge to see what we could accomplish. Anyone want to join us?

I started spending 15 minutes on bible study a day last week and things are going well. I just need to spend more time with Him each day.

I'm starting day 1 of Medifast again. I need to get my blood sugars back under control as well as start losing some more of this weight. My initiative to stay accountable is that I do well for a week, I get to buy one article of clothing at the end. I found an awesome ebay store with some awesome clothes in it that I really like and I think she's going to be my visit at the end of the week.

Abba, please help me in my goals to be as successful as I can possibly be!