You'd think it would get easier with time...

but seeing that big fat negative pregnancy test still hurts. :-( Yup, I tested a few minutes ago.

3 days late...

Not that this necessarily means anything for me. But, I am a wondering...

why you ask?

Last week I had a dream that I had a baby boy.

This week, I had a dream that I had twin baby girls. I even asked Andy what he supposed that it meant.

I have been getting up to pee in the middle of the night for the past few days...never really thought much of it. Yesterday, my ovaries were killing me and my chest was really sore. Today, my breasts have really been sore. I never had sore boobs before...I only had one incident with Deidra after I found out that I was indeed pregnant and the water caught my chest in the shower and it killed. One and only time I ever had a sore chest. Got to thinking about it today and wondered what date it was. Yup, I was due for AF on the 11th. Didn't even realize that the date had gone past. And yet, I still tell myself...you haven't used birth control accept for a short time after Deidra was born...you can't possibly be pregnant. Guess, I should test in the morning and see what the test stick says.

Pouring my heart out...

Ever since we had Deidra, I've wanted another baby. We've been through more infertility treatments (although we haven't been as agressive as we were with Deidra), trying naturally, miscarriage, fostering to hopefully adopt, and yet I still have this desire to have our own baby again. I talked to Andy a few months ago about trying clomid again and he said no. It hurt, but I had to respect his wishes. I looked at all the itty bitties at our foster care picnic and I felt the familiar yearnings and everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or has a newborn.

I got insurance again as of June 1 and I've made a committment to myself to get back to being healthy and trying to lose this weight again. I'm exercising again as of yesterday and eating healthier. I figured I'd talk to Andy about seeing if I could get myself back to being healthy again and at a good healthy weight if then he'd be willing to try for a baby.

We sat down last night and he said that he felt like I blindsided him with this and that we had moved on and that we were going to foster to adopt to add to our family. He said that he just didn't want there to be a huge age difference between Deidra and the new baby and she was already turning 8 and he just felt that we missed our chance. He said me getting back to the size I'd like to be could take a year or two, it's not like we're talking weeks or months. I never knew he felt this way. He just says "I love you." I asked him if he realized that we weren't using any form of birth control and he said yeah, but that would be an accident later so it's not like we were actively trying to get pregnant. I think that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard him say, but I think if he feels this strongly about it...it's time for me to learn to let go and I don't know if I know how to do that seeing how Deidra's about to be 8 and I still have these feelings. I told him people have babies in their 30s all the time...he wanted me to ask myself if I had a definite relationship with my brothers and I said that I was closer to Jimmie than Zach, but I told him that even with his brother and him there's a 5 year age gap and they don't have any relationship there hardly at all and he said that isn't the point...they did when they were younger. So, I just don't know what to think anymore. I love him with all of my heart, but this really hurts. I told him I wouldn't bring it up again either after I saw how aggravated he was by it all. He's obviously moved forward and I haven't yet.

But, I did make him a committment after hearing how worried he's been about my weight that I would be a healthier me by the end of summer and that I would stick with trying to be healthier and losing this weight. Yesterday was day 1.

Bummed...

Ever since the miscarriage back in October, I've toyed with the idea in my mind of finding another doctor who would let me go back on clomid (without all the monitoring) as the medicine is affordable, I just can't afford to pay out of pocket for all the monitoring. Anyway, someone on a local mom's list mentioned that clomid and glucophage were on Wal-mart's $5 list of perscriptions and really made me start thinking about it. Anyway, I decided to talk to Andy last night about trying with the clomid and glucophage as it worked for us back in MI to start ovulating and all. He informed me that with everything that we have going on here, he couldn't commit to that. He's worried about all the infertility treatments it took with Deidra and all the time and emotions that went into that. He just thought we were on a different path with fostering now. He told me if it happens naturally, he's fine with it. However, he doesn't think pushing the issue right now is the answer. At that point, I stopped the conversation and went to bed. I have to respect his wishes, what more can I do besides wait awhile and try again to talk to him about it. But, I'm pretty sad about it...yet in some ways I understand. Nobody that knows what I went through with Deidra, besides a couple of people, understand why I want this so badly again.

So, I go back to trying to lose more weight and hope that helps the conception process and I test monthly and if I find out I am pregnant, I'll go get my butt on some progesterone asap. I just never thought he'd say no.