One of "those" Moms...

I have become one of "those" Mom's who are constantly yelling at their kids. I realize it was because I was scared. Yesterday, I went and got Tracie from school and hurried home and found out that the bus had already dropped off the kids and they were standing on the corner. Their directions are to come straight home and wait for me. Normally, I'm only a couple of minutes behind the bus. That was the case yesterday as well. Josiah saw me coming and I made a motion to him to go home as they didn't need to be standing on the corner of the street hanging out there with all the kids. He bolted right in front of my van and I just missed hitting him. I slammed on my brakes and he ran home and we had a talk about what happened and that we don't just assume that vehicles are going to stop. I realize that he is so impulsive that he just doesn't think, but it scared the crap out of me. Fast forward to later that night, Andy and I were making a trip to Target and Deidra was with us. She's had a real attitude lately with arguing with us and just thinking that she knows it all. We got into a discussion about that and I realized that I never told Andy about the incident with Josiah from earlier and I told her that from now on, they get off the bus and they come straight home and if me or Grandma isn't home yet, they wait for me at home. She said he's always running home without her and then when he realizes nobody is home yet, he runs right back out into the street and she didn't feel that she should be getting in trouble for his actions. I told her that he is a whole lot safer at home away from the busy street than waiting on the corner where they were and she just continued to argue and argue with me. We got out of the van and I was upset. Before I even knew it, I had told her to "shut up." I guess I said it on the loud side as two women that were walking out of the store, stopped, and looked at me. I see these Mothers in the store and feel awful for the children. I don't want to be one of "those" Moms. I realize though that it was fear that made me upset. I keep telling Josiah that if he doesn't start having some fear, that he is going to get really hurt. He just doesn't either get it or think it through. We've had several close calls with him....jumping into the pool in Arizona last year...he didn't even listen to what I was saying...just jumped right in before I even knew what was going on and here I stood on the side of the pool with a 1-year old not knowing what to do as well as Emma and Tracie and Deidra was looking at something else to even realize what had happened. Thankfully, someone realized he couldn't swim and grabbed him and pulled him to the side. This year, they will be taking swimming lessons. Last week, I had been cooking and he came in to ask me something and tried to lay his arm right down on the burner. I wound up quickly pushing his hand away which scared him. However, I'd rather have him scared than burned. I just don't understand...he's going to be 6 in June...he should be understanding this stuff, yet it's just not sinking in. I don't want something bad to happen before he finally "gets it" or it's too late. Anyway, I was just upset at the situation and Deidra wouldn't just say "ok, Mom" to me, it was all "why should I have to do this or that?" I finally asked her "would you feel bad if you were with Josiah and something bad happened to him." She said "yeah" in a snotty voice. I told her it's just for a couple of minutes until I get home...this to me shouldn't have been an arguing matter. She has a house key to let them in even. I shouldn't have to worry about him running into the road. She said that she doesn't do it that way anymore, because he is always trying to get into everything in the house that he knows he's not supposed to be into without permission. I was just irritated and that's why I yelled, but I never thought that I'd be one of "those" Moms that everyone was looking at. We got into Target and Deidra kept up the attitude and I finally told Andy to give me the keys and that I was going to sit in the van as I refused to argue with her anymore. Andy finally talked with her about her attitude and respect issues while they were in the store and they came out a few minutes later and we came home. By that point, I had calmed down and was able to talk to her and I explained that I understand Josiah is difficult as he is very oppositional and defiant and he just doesn't think before he does stuff, but I wanted her to understand what I was asking her to do and why. And I told her it's only for a couple of minutes, it's not like I'm asking her to stay with them for 15 minutes or longer. We're two houses from the bus stop too, so it's not like they have far to walk or anything. I'm hoping that today will go better. Andy and I talked to all of the kids today to let them know what their expectations are...they get off the bus, they wait for Deidra, and they all come home together. If I'm not home and Grandma isn't home, they wait on the front porch for me to get home or they come in with Deidra and do what she says and stay out of stuff and I will be home in a minute or two.