Rough day...

Today was a really rough day. I had to keep Emma home from school as she had a doctor's appt. Melina was really fussy and crying and wanting this or that and getting frustrated as I didn't always know what she was wanting or she couldn't have what she wanted (candy). We left about 8:30 to get to the doctor. Got her refill and thankfully the girls were really good while we were there. We left and as I was getting the kids in the van, my cell phone rang and it was the principal needing to talk to me about Josiah. I called her back and had to leave a message and I told her I was on the way to bring Emmy to school and I'd talk to her when I got there. Ran home first as Emmy forgot her backpack. Got to school and signed Emma in and then Tracie, Melina and me went to talk to the principal. Josiah had accidentally stepped on a little girl's hand and it broke her nail. When she said "ow" he found it funny and turned around and purposefully stomped on her other hand. It tore the fingernail and it was bleeding all over. I told her that Deidra had told me about that the night before and he was put in time out over it, but she said that he was going to be in Refocus (in-school suspension) for the rest of the day. I don't know if he really understood why he had to do that since it happened as they were leaving school and getting on the bus the day before. Anyway, that was the plan they went with and I wasn't upset that they put him there. I wasn't going to punish him again for it at home though as he already did his punishment from me the night before.

I ran Tracie to school a little later and Melina was trying to go to sleep in the car. I had needed to run to Walmart to get something for dinner, but she was acting so tired I thought she needed a nap a little more and we'd go to the store later. She took a pretty big nap and woke up just before it was time to get Tracie from school. We ran to get Tracie from school, came home to snag Emma and Josiah so we could go get Deidra from tutoring. For some reason, they thought they were going on a walk with Grandma with the dog (nevermind that I had already told Grandma before Melina and I left what the plan was) and so when I told them they needed to come with me Josiah threw a fit and tried to run away from me. I finally got him in the van and he proceeded to scream and kick the seat in front of him. I got Deidra and he wanted to go get french fries for snack. I told him that little boys who acted like that, don't get special treats like french fries and he'd have to wait until we got home to get a snack. He started thrashing all over the place and screaming and kicking his feet all over. It got so bad that I had to pull over on the side of the road and when he wouldn't quit I threatened to call the police. That actually scared Tracie more than it scared him. She was scared that they would take him away and he wouldn't have a family. I told her that they will always be a part of our family, that WILL NEVER change, but he needs to learn how to control his temper and that these huge fits can't happen when I'm trying to drive down the road either as that puts the family in danger of an accident so I needed to pull over. Once we got through all that, he continued to scream and kick. I finally told him that if he was going to act like this that he was going to go straight in his room and he was going to earn more and more minutes each time he screamed or kicked something. We got to 45 minutes of bedroom time before he chose to get control of himself (we start with 5 minutes and go up from there). We ran to Walmart to get the stuff I needed for dinner and his fits continued in there and I wound up with him throwing a fit and knocking tomatoes onto the ground. I finally told him he was in his room until I finished dinner and then he could come down for dinner. We had more fits in the van on the way home and it was hard to get him into his room, but we managed. Of course, he was mad that all his toys couldn't stay in his room and he kept kicking the walls and the door. He refused to eat his dinner and so he got sent back up to his room to go to bed early and couldn't eat dessert which set him off again. He's had allergies going on too and I really think he was overtired, but he didn't want to give in and just rest. It all became a manipulation tactic to get out of his room, "I need a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. I need to blow my nose. I want my toys. I want you to cover me up." Whatever he could think of. I let him out to use the bathroom and to blow his nose, but I wasn't playing his games and that made him even madder.

Andy had to stay after work to do moves and so he was late getting home. I was trying to get hoemwork done with Emma with a screaming baby and a little girl who couldn't stop whining and crying. I finally sent Tracie to bed about a half an early as well because she couldn't stop her crying and whining over every little thing either. She got mad that I told her if she was going to act like a baby, she needed to go to bed early like a baby too. She screamed and yelled that she wasn't a baby and that she wasn't going to go to bed. UGH!

I got really tired and achey feeling and didn't know whether I was trying to get the crud too or if it was just due to the stress of the day. Andy finally came home a little before 7:30 and I was glad to see him. I went to bed later. I was a little miffed that with my MIL living here that she really didn't help much and she had heard me say that I wasn't feeling well and was burned out. I told Andy that I didn't feel well, but didn't know if I was getting sick or just stressed. She says "well, with the day you've had it wouldn't surprise me if it was just stress." Well, thanks for noticing but choosing not to help me out. I know I shouldn't have that attitude, but it gets tiresome sometimes.

One of "those" Moms...

I have become one of "those" Mom's who are constantly yelling at their kids. I realize it was because I was scared. Yesterday, I went and got Tracie from school and hurried home and found out that the bus had already dropped off the kids and they were standing on the corner. Their directions are to come straight home and wait for me. Normally, I'm only a couple of minutes behind the bus. That was the case yesterday as well. Josiah saw me coming and I made a motion to him to go home as they didn't need to be standing on the corner of the street hanging out there with all the kids. He bolted right in front of my van and I just missed hitting him. I slammed on my brakes and he ran home and we had a talk about what happened and that we don't just assume that vehicles are going to stop. I realize that he is so impulsive that he just doesn't think, but it scared the crap out of me. Fast forward to later that night, Andy and I were making a trip to Target and Deidra was with us. She's had a real attitude lately with arguing with us and just thinking that she knows it all. We got into a discussion about that and I realized that I never told Andy about the incident with Josiah from earlier and I told her that from now on, they get off the bus and they come straight home and if me or Grandma isn't home yet, they wait for me at home. She said he's always running home without her and then when he realizes nobody is home yet, he runs right back out into the street and she didn't feel that she should be getting in trouble for his actions. I told her that he is a whole lot safer at home away from the busy street than waiting on the corner where they were and she just continued to argue and argue with me. We got out of the van and I was upset. Before I even knew it, I had told her to "shut up." I guess I said it on the loud side as two women that were walking out of the store, stopped, and looked at me. I see these Mothers in the store and feel awful for the children. I don't want to be one of "those" Moms. I realize though that it was fear that made me upset. I keep telling Josiah that if he doesn't start having some fear, that he is going to get really hurt. He just doesn't either get it or think it through. We've had several close calls with him....jumping into the pool in Arizona last year...he didn't even listen to what I was saying...just jumped right in before I even knew what was going on and here I stood on the side of the pool with a 1-year old not knowing what to do as well as Emma and Tracie and Deidra was looking at something else to even realize what had happened. Thankfully, someone realized he couldn't swim and grabbed him and pulled him to the side. This year, they will be taking swimming lessons. Last week, I had been cooking and he came in to ask me something and tried to lay his arm right down on the burner. I wound up quickly pushing his hand away which scared him. However, I'd rather have him scared than burned. I just don't understand...he's going to be 6 in June...he should be understanding this stuff, yet it's just not sinking in. I don't want something bad to happen before he finally "gets it" or it's too late. Anyway, I was just upset at the situation and Deidra wouldn't just say "ok, Mom" to me, it was all "why should I have to do this or that?" I finally asked her "would you feel bad if you were with Josiah and something bad happened to him." She said "yeah" in a snotty voice. I told her it's just for a couple of minutes until I get home...this to me shouldn't have been an arguing matter. She has a house key to let them in even. I shouldn't have to worry about him running into the road. She said that she doesn't do it that way anymore, because he is always trying to get into everything in the house that he knows he's not supposed to be into without permission. I was just irritated and that's why I yelled, but I never thought that I'd be one of "those" Moms that everyone was looking at. We got into Target and Deidra kept up the attitude and I finally told Andy to give me the keys and that I was going to sit in the van as I refused to argue with her anymore. Andy finally talked with her about her attitude and respect issues while they were in the store and they came out a few minutes later and we came home. By that point, I had calmed down and was able to talk to her and I explained that I understand Josiah is difficult as he is very oppositional and defiant and he just doesn't think before he does stuff, but I wanted her to understand what I was asking her to do and why. And I told her it's only for a couple of minutes, it's not like I'm asking her to stay with them for 15 minutes or longer. We're two houses from the bus stop too, so it's not like they have far to walk or anything. I'm hoping that today will go better. Andy and I talked to all of the kids today to let them know what their expectations are...they get off the bus, they wait for Deidra, and they all come home together. If I'm not home and Grandma isn't home, they wait on the front porch for me to get home or they come in with Deidra and do what she says and stay out of stuff and I will be home in a minute or two.

Lord, please turn this day around...

I understand some of the behaviors my children have...but some days it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I understand that the kids are ready to go back to school and each day as we get a little closer I think I too am ready for them to go back. Holy Spirit, please give me your strength to handle the things that come my way today. I hate having to get after my children so many times and realizing it's only 7:45 in the morning. I'm so tired of them screaming and yelling and picking at one another, having the 6 year old thinking that she needs to take care of the baby or that she can do it better than I can, I try to keep them occupied, but it seems like they just want to bicker and argue with one another or be mouthy with me. I know the Emily more than likely had times when she was expected to take care of Tracie or their birth brother, J. I understand that and I know that's probably where that comes from. I just keep trying to reiterate to her that I am the Mommy and that I can take care of Melina. This morning, Melina woke up at 5:30 and so she was up and I had fed her and the girls got up at 7. I got them their cereal and instead of Emily sitting and eating, she kept trying to get up and getting stuff for Melina and shoving it in front of her face. I kept trying to tell her that Melina had already been taken care of and yet she kept doing it...she was getting pieces of cereal and trying to feed her even when Melina didn't want it. Finally, I got aggravated and I yelled at her to go sit down that I was Mommy and I can take care of Melina. I needed her to listen to me and go focus on what she was supposed to be doing...eating her breakfast. All day long, her and Tracie are constantly trying to pick her up, shove toys at her, wrap her in blankets, and so forth. We keep telling them that Melina can pick what she wants to play with on her own, she can walk around and do what she wants, we tell her no no for the things that she can't touch and she goes about her way. She needs to learn to make her own choices and she is plenty old enough to do it. They can't seem to get that when she's screaming at them to put her down and whatnot, she wants to be left alone. I am glad that they want to help with her and that they love her so much and she loves them too. I just wish that they could understand that she is big enough to start doing some of this stuff on her own.

I will say that I am learning SO much about attachment in reading and through having Melina. I see the things that come naturally with Melina..some of it is hard to put into words. And I see the things that the others struggle with...I get angry at their birthparents sometimes for not investing in them more so that they wouldn't be struggling with things...things that they're not aware of or that I learn as we go along. I love all of my children so much and just want what is best for them. I know that they take those frustrations that they had at their birthparents and take them out on me as I am their primary caregiver. I try to be strong enough to take all of that. It's hard sometimes, but I know the best thing that I can do is to keep praying for them and trusting God that He knows what is best and that He will turn it all into something good. I am thankful for my children. I want to be the best Mommy that I can be to them. I just ask for your strength and patience and a daily renewal of your fruits, Abba. Thank you for all of your blessings. Amen.