God, I need all the graces that You can give me...

Andy left this morning and Josiah instantly started. We got through breakfast and I pulled the cups down and put them on the counter and started handing out the pills for the littles. It's Tracie's day so she went first. Josiah started throwing an absolute fit over the fact that he wasn't first and that he didn't get to pick his cup first. He acted so badly that I sent him to time out to calm down, he ran from me, got behind the kitchen table and it took me a minute to get ahold of him...I was really surprised that Andy's computer that sits on the table was not pushed off the table by him he was SO mad...he kept going back and forth pulling on the blinds, walking all over Andy's computer, putting his hands on the keyboard and moving it back and forth, I was just waiting for that monitor to come crashing down. I got him finally and I told him that he had earned bedroom time. He came back downstairs after time out was over, we prayed together, we had a little talk and we tried to move forward with the day...it wasn't a full 5 minutes later, he had slapped Tracie. I sent him back to time out and he wouldn't go, started running all over the house. Back to bedroom time he went. He raged in there, kicking the doors, playing with the door stopper, slamming his closet door over and over, SCREAMING at the top of his lungs that I hated him, he didn't care about anything, whatever he could think of to yell, he was yelling it. Went back up when his time out was over and tried to pray with him, he promised he'd be good, he came back downstairs, no sooner did he get to the bottom of the stairs, he had hit Tracie again. No reason for any of it, just did it. I turned him around and marched him right back up the stairs. Every couple of stairs, he'd throw himself down and I pulled a muscle in my arm somehow that's sore. Anyway, this was all before 9 am. We had one more incident after that, and I told him that I thought it would be better for all of us, if he just stayed in his room. He was obviously really angry today and nobody needed to get hurt by him and so he was just going to hang out in his room. He launched himself at me and threw something at my head. Thankfully, it didn't hurt like he was wanting. I went back up to talk to him after a few minutes and we once again prayed together and he was able to vocalize that he just wants to do what he wants to do, he doesn't care if anyone gets hurt or if he breaks stuff, he just feels like he's going to hurt people if he gets mad. I asked him if Mommy and Daddy hurt him every time we get mad and he said "no." I told him that he needs to start dealing better with his anger. It's over everything...some of it is SO silly and doesn't make any sense...you never quite know what's going to set him off. The girls and I said a rosary in the hopes that he'd calm down some. Didn't work exactly like I wanted it to. But, I know my prayers were heard and it's in God's hands now. Anyway, I had to ask my Father-in-Law to come over and stay with him so I could run to the store. Deidra went with me and I made it quick. We got home and I fed the kids their lunch and then told him it was time to go back to his room and a whole other rage happened which resulted in me getting something chucked at my head again all because I told him that I wanted him to try to use the bathroom so he didn't have any accidents. My Father-in-Law went to talk to him and then took Deidra back to his apt for awhile. He's been throwing himself around his room, kicking the floor so hard the lights down here are rattling, and then he announces "I just had an accident." Nevermind that we had just been in the bathroom and all. I told him that I wasn't going to give him new clothes right away (I was going to make him sit in them for 20 minutes so he could feel the wetness), I think part of the reason that he continues to do this is because the minute he has them, I go and get him new dry clothes and he changes. It's not unpleasant for him at all. I wanted him to have to feel that wetness for a few minutes. Now, he's mad at me and raging again because I won't get him new clothes and he doesn't like that his clothes are wet. I'm hoping that this will get him to stop all of this. I told him the other day that he couldn't go to camp if he continued to have accidents left and right. He announced that he'd do what he needed to do from that point on and he hasn't had another accident until today. It's been almost 20 minutes, so I'm going to go and get him some new clothes to change into and talk about this with him. I can only pray and hope that this afternoon will bring some calmness. It's just after 2 and I'm drained. If he escalates much more, I'm really contemplating with taking him to children's. This full moon really needs to be done and over with.

Triggers...

I'm learning more and more that my littles do not handle visitors well. My Dad came into town on Thursday and Friday and my kids were all hyper and out-of-control, swarming him left and right, and refusing to listen. Josiah had an accident for 2 days in a row as well. When Andy's Mom moved in with us, he struggled with accidents for months. It's one of those things, that I can't very well tell people that they can't come over, and my kids need to have the privilege of having friends over to play and so forth too, but I'm really learning that when we have visitors it's a time of more stress for me. They just become so unregulated so easily. When the visitors leave, it's back to being calm again...well as calm as they get anyway. I was hoping that with getting older that they'd outgrow this, but it's not looking to be the case. But, boy is it stressful for me. And my Dad is one who does not understand attachment struggles at all...

Have to get a little thicker skin...

My Dad came in to get some medical test done this week and he always stays here with us. 5 kids, me and Andy, Andy's Mom, and my Dad too make for a little chaos when we're all together. Not to mention that the attachment disorder really gets hard to manage when other people are in the house with Josiah, Emma, and Tracie. My Dad does not get that at all...he thinks it's all bologne. Anyway, my Dad had a comment about the fact that we always make them clean their plates...if you saw their dinner plates and how small they are, you'd realize how dumb this is that he's getting upset about it. Of course, what he was really upset about was the fact that I made Emma finish her dinner when in fact she was really just trying to play games since Grandpa was here to see what she could get away with and she was mad because we weren't falling for it. When I would get on the kids for rambling and swarming everyone and interrupting the conversations over and over and over again, my Dad would just give me this look and shake his head. I'm trying to teach them boundaries, that we wait our turn to speak and that we aren't climbing all over our guests and all that stuff. Yesterday, he really hurt my feelings. He said that being raised with all of his brothers and sisters that he doesn't remember them ever getting on them like we are constantly getting after our kids. I told him that they weren't dealing with the things that we are dealing with in our family either. He said they were too, they just didn't know what those things were back when he was growing up. I highly doubt anyone in his family was dealing with RAD, let alone 3 of our little ones have attachment disorder in varying degrees and with the ADHD we're constnatly repeating ourselves to keep them on task. It's not like we're just doing it for the sake of doing it, it has a purpose. He refused to even listen to me about the attachment disorder or what that even entailed. I finally had to tell myself, that he didn't know what to do with me or my 2 brothers when we were growing up...how can I expect him to understand what it's like on a day-to-day basis around here when he only sees glimpses every few months. We had them outside yesterday and they weren't listening and so I told them to go in the house as outside time was done. They didn't seem interested in playing anymore anyway, it was all about bickering over this or that. Josiah took off runnign and screaming at the top of his lungs and Tracie started crying her head off. Emma went inside peacefully and Melina was upset about having to go in. My Dad asked me what in the heck I did. I told him "they don't want to play anymore so I said it was time to come in and this is what happens every day." He said "if my kids acted like that just over having to play outside that would be the last time they went outside." Well, call me mean then...but they need outside time too even if they don't always like it...good old fashioned vitamin D...we all need it. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about all of his comments and I was so mad that he won't at least try to understand this stuff. But, finally I gave it to God and He gave me some rest. I choose to go forward in knowing God has a plan for not only my life, but my children's too and that God will give Andy and I the graces to get through this and He will heal them! I firmly believe that will come in time. I almost wish we would have had a counseling appt with our attachment therapist this week as my Dad would have gotten dragged along. lol