The Love Dare--Day 33

Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.

We talked a little about our goals and getting back on the same page. We do good about sitting down and looking at the budget together and then we get busy and Andy sits down and does the bills and budget himself while I take care of other things. I told him that we needed to sit down the both of us and go over things together so that we make sure that we are on the same page again. We talked about some goals that he wanted to accomplish by his birthday and we are really working towards becoming debt-free and so I wanted him to know that I was committed as well. I also had a couple of vacations in mind, including a little weekend get-away with just him and I that I wanted to sit and talk about.

The Love Dare--Day 32

If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.

This is one area that we don't necessarily lack in, but I feel the chemistry between us is lacking. My drive has always been higher than his and that can be frustrating for me and if I try to initiate anything, a lot of times I have to wait for him to finish whatever he is doing first. Whereas, if he wants it on the rare occasion that he does initiate, I will 99% of the time give it to him. I don't believe in witholding that from one another. He's a night owl and I'm not, so most of the time if I do ask and he's says "maybe" he'll wake me up and he thinks that's totally ok. It's hard for me to wake up sometimes to do that, but I do my best. Other times, I make myself stay awake to wait for him and I get so darn tired that it's hard for me. He's just not very spontaneous anymore and I take it personally even though he tells me not to. It would just be nice to feel that my husband really desires me sexually sometimes...to be told that I look pretty or nice...to be given kisses and hugs without having to seek them out myself...just little things like that. We made love a couple nights ago and as much as I tried to get into it, the chemistry between us really lacked. Yesterday, I bought a new nightgown that I thought was rather revealing and thought it would put him in the mood. I even suggested that we go to the bedroom and all I got was a "maybe." I fell asleep on the couch and he woke me up a couple hours later to go to bed. Off to slumberland we both went.

The Love Dare--Day 31

Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.

I know that Andy sometimes feels torn between what his family wants us to do and what we want for ourselves and there's been many issues where he hasn't stuck up for me to his family that have hurt me. I've forgiven him and we move forward. I think the distance between us and his brother and his wife have been good for our marriage and I think the fact that we no longer live close to his Dad has been good for us. Granted, Andy and I my Mom sometimes clash and that can cause fights and my Mom didn't like it last Thanksgiving when I stuck up for my husband and we left rather than stay at her house. But, I later explained to her that I wanted Andy to understand that we need to stick up for one another to our parents and that our parents need to respect us as well. Abba, I pray that You will always help Andy and myself to stay united as one in our marriage. It's not easy sometimes, but I pray that You will help and guide us.

This lack of communication is really starting to bother me...

I have said before that we're having issues with our speech therapist. She came out last Friday after 2 new shows and said that she had been sick and out of town and stuff. I let it go. She asked if she could see the girls Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and I said that was fine. What happens...she neither shows nor calls on Tuesday or Wednesday. Wednesday, we also had a make-up session of occupational therapy scheduled as we couldn't do it on Monday due to Baby J's adoption presentation. I asked the OT if she happened to know what was going on with the speech therapist as she's not showing for her appts. She told me she'd call the company. The company called her and didn't get an answer and so they left her a message. I guess she e-mailed them and said she had a severe case of mono and that her glands were so swollen that she couldn't talk. They told her she could have at least e-mailed them to let them know so that they could inform her families and that once she can talk she needs to get in touch with her families. Call me mean, but I told the OT that I don't buy it, she has got one excuse after another on why she never makes her appts and I hope they make her show up with a doctors note. I've been documenting all the appts that she's missed, not shown up for, or needs to reschedule all this month and it's already 2 pages long. I have to turn it in to my foster care agency with my monthly paperwork, but I think I'm also going to see about mailing a copy into the therapy company so they can see what she's been doing. I know she just recently told me she went back to school as well and that she could no longer make it up here in the mornings and needed to switch it to the afternoons. It's just a mess and I'm tired of it. Is it too hard to have set days and times and not have to reschedule, reschedule, reschedule?

Then, my foster care agency calls me yesterday and asks if I want Baby J on the play therapy schedule this week with the girls and I said that was fine. I sent her an email back asking though if we could do play therapy on the Thursdays that the girls didn't have their visits and she was going to get with the scheduler and get back to me. When I didn't hear back and the times for today, I just assumed that they had switched it to next week. I took the girls to their visit and we went and had lunch with Daddy and then we came home. Deidra was occupying the kids in the living room while I closed my eyes briefly as I was so tired and the kids were kinda catnapping on the floor when the phone rang. I told Deidra just to let it ring and I'd check messages in a little bit. She decided to answer it anyway and it my foster care agency. The play therapist wanted to know if I knew that my kids were on the schedule. I told her what all had been said yesterday and that nobody let me know the times and I just assumed it had been changed. She told me it was ok and that I didn't know, but I still feel bad. I called Andy to tell him what happened and he told me just to let it go and tell them to put us on for next week and that I'm not a mind reader. I've asked and asked for their play therapy schedule to be changed to the Thursdays that the girls didn't have their visits so that our Thursdays aren't so booked as our Thursday evenings are busy as well with 2 kids playing sports and they both have practice at the same time on Thursday nights. I don't think it helps that I've been dragging all day and am SO tired. I wasn't feeling the greatest yesterday or the day before and just muddled through...I think it's allergies...but I just want to sleep. I think I'm going to bed once I get Deidra and the girls home from volleyball practice tonight. Andy can put Baby J down for bed once they get home from t-ball practice. We should get home about the same time anyway.

The Love Dare--Day 30

Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

I see two things that can divide us. Andy chooses to look at the negative sometimes when things happen and can act very negatively in the way he talks sometimes. It drains me quicker than anything. However, I do call him on it sometimes and I do ask that he tries to be more positive as that is more uplifting and more encouraging.

The other thing that I really think we need to do is setting more time aside for "us." When I bring it up that we haven't really talked or anything in awhile, he's quick to say that he's busy with work and the kids are busy with sports and with everything going on it's just busy. I know it's busy around here better than anyone, but I really feel that we need to make sure that we go out and "date" and spend some time together without the constant interruptions.

Abba, I ask that you will reveal anything else that is threatening oneness with Andy and I pray that you will do the same for Andy as well. We need to be one with You.

Andy

Andy and I were sitting at Deidra's volleyball practice and he told me that he let work know that he wasn't going to go play disc golf with them next weekend. He said he got to thinking about things and he didn't want to have to miss Deidra's game in order to go and that's the weekend prior to Baby J's adoption and he knew that we had things to get finished up for that. And so, he said he'd catch up with them another time. I told him he didn't have to do that, I had it written on the calendar and I had a plan in place, but he said that our family stuff was more important. I asked him when the dates were for next month and I told him to let me know so I could put them on the calendar. I want him to have his "time out" as well.

I'm about to snap...

if one more person gives me a hard time or adds something to my plate, I'm going to lose it.

My Dad was here all last week and man is he needy. He had his last skin-cancer surgery and is now cancer free and for that I am thankful. He drove us all crazy while he was here though. He left Monday and while I was taking the kids to play at a play place, he calls me and says that he's sending my brother, Zach, over to get money to get his car fixed. (I do my Dad's finances since he's on the road all the time). Anyway, I informed him that I wasn't at home and he gave me a hard time. Well, my brother can call me and find out when I am going to be home...he does have the number. Anyway, later on that day my brother came over without notice and I didn't have time to get to the bank and if I could write him a check. He then informed me that I needed to make it out to someone else and I asked him for how much and he didn't know. I was floored. It's his car that needs to be fixed...how do you not know how much it is. So, I call Dad and he tells me the amount, I write the check and he leaves.

Then, I'm dealing with a whole mess with therapy. I can't live without a schedule and knowing when my therapy days and times are going to be anymore. For the longest time, I had set days and times and it worked out really well. Now, it's getting to be where I don't even know the day, let alone the time and I refuse to live this way anymore. So, they give me a referral to a new therapy company and they call and ask a bunch of questions on the dates and times that I was available for Baby T to have speech. I said I preferred mornings, but I would do 8-12 on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Fridays but once they started MDO in August again, we would only be available on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. They called me back and wanted to know why the times couldn't be later. So, I gave them Mondays from 8-11 (we do occupational therapy after that), Tuesdays from 8-2, Wednesdays from 8-2 and I said I could give them 8-2 on Fridays until August. I thought I did pretty well, they're still giving me a hard time about it and can't understand why I can't do anytimes later. Gee, it's a 45 minute appt and you're telling me you don't have someone that can do her therapy in that time frame? And I'm sorry, but I'm already giving them a time past when I prefer and I would like to be able to do some stuff with the kids during summer rather than just feeling like we're waiting for the therapy appts for the day to be over. The guy started asking me all kinds of questions and I told him look, my daughter is out of school for the summer but once school starts again I need to be able to bring her back and forth and I need therapy to be done by 2. Mondays, we do occupational therapy with another company and that lasts about 3 hours and she gets here sometime between 11-12. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are supposed to be my set speech therapy days. Thursdays are visit days for the girls, they have play therapy and med check that day as well. Fridays, I really would prefer to be my free day as I need a down day after all that goes on during the week. He let me know that they may be only able to do her speech therapy appt once a week. I told him I was fine with that. THe doctor didn't say she had to do it twice a week, it was our current therapy appt people that put her down for twice a week. I would be fine with once a week. So, I guess the lady is going to take Baby T and talk to me more about her schedule and what we can do when she comes out. I'm also going to try and get sensory therapy going for Baby J through this company since our own OT worker is so booked with just providing OT for everyone and she feels that Baby J really could use an extra session weekly just focusing on sensory stuff since he's so over the top right now.

Then, I get a phone call from my Dad telling me that his aunt died and wanted me to send flowers. However, he knows nothing and wants me to find out what I can online. I ask where she's from and what her name is and he tells me where he thought she was from and that he doesn't know how to spell her last name. I spent 45 minutes trying to find something out online and finally told him that I didn't have a problem sending flowers but he was going to have to do the legwork and talk to his family about where she was going to be at in the funeral homes and stuff. I can't do everything and I didn't know her at all to even have an idea of her name or anything. He got snippy, but finally got ahold of one of his sisters who gave him the information and I ordered flowers and had them sent today.

I am trying my best to honor my parents, but it just seems that they both have stuff going on...I'm the run-to person and they overload me at times, yet when I ask for help they can't be bothered.

I've been reading a lot of books lately on certain things and the one thing that I keep finding is they keep saying that I have to have some time out and some time to focus on me so that I can keep going. So, I am trying to take a few minutes at the end of the day to pamper myself a bit. I feel guilty about it at times, but I know that I need to look out for me or nobody else will.

The Love Dare--Day 29

Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say “I love you,” then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person—unconditionally, the way He loves both of you.

Lord, I lift Andy up to You in prayer. I pray that he will always do his work heartily and that his work will always be pleasing to You. I pray that he will always have job security with Corgan. He really likes the company that he works for and I know that he does worry from time to time from past fears of when he lost his job when Deidra was a baby. I pray that all the service works that he does will be pleasing to You and that he will have a good heart about doing them. I pray that he will please You with everything that he does and that he will always make a joyful noise onto the Lord with all of his being. I pray that even in marriage He will show his love for me, just as You also love the church and gave Yourself up for her. I pray that You will always show him the spirit of love and that You will help him in the proper ways to love his wife, his children, his family, and everyone.

I finally said it...

therapy has become a huge problem in our house. I am so burned out for one by having to do it all of the time, but I know the kids need it. So, we press on! However, for the past few months our speech therapist has pulled some crap and she doesn't like to show for her visits sometimes. Our agency was audited and because they just wrote on the forms that the visit was cancelled and couldnt' be rescheduled, the state was asking a bunch of questions. We had a new worker at the time too and it really stressed me out and I asked our old worker to go and talk to them. Everything ended up ok as the foster care director was aware of the situation, she said the state was just being really picky. I still felt that it looked bad on my part and it stressed me out. Well, fast forward a month later, the therapy company found out that our agency wasn't happy with them and they brought dinner in to talk to our agency and handed out receipts for missed appts to our workers. Well, once again I was asked to provide documentation on why some visits were missed. Now, these were appts for like 2 months prior so I had to guess on some of them. But after that, I swore that any little cancellation or re-schedule was going to be documented on my part with who and why the appt was cancelled or rescheduled. So for the past few weeks, my speech therapist hasn't shown for appts, hasn't bothered to call, has rescheduled a lot and because I knew the state was being picky I kept rescheduling my plans every day to accommodate the therapist any way that I could to get speech in here for Baby T. Well, she called yesterday right when she was supposed to be here and told me that she wasn't going to make it because she was back in school and she wanted to know if she could come out in the middle of the afternoon. I was ticked! We had a caseworker visit and I finally came out and told them that something had to change....I am so burned out from feeling like I can't do anything because anytime I have a schedule in my mind, we have to change our plans to accomodate therapy. So, we are going to see about changing to a new company if they can do it in the mornings. I just can't do this anymore. This week, we've gotten out and the kids have had something to look forward to and it's something to break up their day and it gets me out around other adults and I am feeling better about things. I'm just going to continue to document the missed visits...even this morning was another no-show. I'll just document to cover myself and we'll go out and have our fun.

The Love Dare--Day 28

What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

Well, I really seem to be having a problem in the area of his greatest need. I feel like he is my only support system with all the kids and by the time the weekend gets here I really am ready for him to be home to help me with the kids and I consider that to be our family time. He likes to go out and play disc golf with his co-workers on some Saturdays. I try to give him some time, but I really do better when he can go out on a weeknight...but he enjoys going on some Saturdays. He asked last night if he could go next weekend. Granted, he is taking a 3-day weekend this weekend because we have Baby J's adoption presentation on Monday morning. And next weekend he'll be off and then work Monday, and then he'll be off on Tuesday for Baby J's adoption day. I just get frustrated and selfish because I want that to be our family time. I feel burned out with having to do all the child-care all the time, and making sure the house is clean, and all the paperwork and therapy stuff. But, I will continue to try to put my own needs to the side, and give him what he wants. He said to me last night that he was really good about letting me go to my brother's graduation at the beginning of June and spend the day with my family and he let me go to dinner with my Dad before he had to leave to celebrate Father's Day. I see his point and I know he needs his time out too, but I seem to be struggling with this as I don't have anyone to help me with the kids but him.

The Love Dare--Day 27

Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.

I think one big thing lately is that I feel the foster care side of thing falls on me. I'm the one home most of the time so most of the child-care falls on me. He's been wanting to rest and lay low after dinner, so I feel like I've had to pick up more of their care after dinner and before bed, whereas before he was helping me more often. I got kind of upset the other night because I was really short on patience and they were being handfuls and they needed a bath and the hubby wanted to lay on the couch. Later, he told me that I needed to ask him for help. I guess I just feel that he should know that I need a break from taking care of the kids and step in (he was doing it before, why all of a sudden did it change and now I have to ask?). Anyway, I feel a lot of pressure with trying to get everything done in time for Baby J's adoption, our regular paperwork stuff always falls on me, and then I get to be the one that is home to do their therapy and stuff as well all the time. It's a lot taking care of these kids and dealing with all the therapy and the paperwork and their social lives and so forth and I just wish he could understand that better sometimes. He is ready to go back to work after 2-3 days with them... But, I need to realize that just because I have a way that I do things, that he doesn't need to meet that same standard. I need to be more appreciative of the help that he does give me.

Baby J's adoption...

will be on the 30th. Woo hoo! I so cannot wait!

Baby J's adoption attorney's office just called...

Baby J's adoption attorney's office just called. They need us to fill out paperwork and she asked if she could e-mail me the documents. She said we could either mail them back or bring it to our adoption staffing on the 22nd. I am so excited! I was relieved to hear from them too as his adoption CPS worker told us that she'd call them and tell them that we wanted to use them. I didn't hear back right away and so I was fretting. I hate not being the one in control...lol.

The Love Dare--Day 26

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God’s forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

Lord, I pray that you will show me the areas of wrongdoing in my marriage. I pray that You will forgive me for my faults and wrongdoings and that you can make me humble enough to go to Andy with them and ask for his forgiveness.

I wrote him an email at work today and thanked him for some things he recently has done for me and I apologized for some things that had happened recently and told him how I was working on those things.

I also realize that I need to tone down my unncessary spending. That is one thing that he is always making little comments on and I need to respect what he's saying and tone it down. I don't make huge purchases, it's just going out for slurpees or ice cream or getting cokes on the way home from somewhere or whatever...but if you add all that up over the course of a month, I do tend to overdo it. So, I'm going to start today...today I didn't go out to Starbucks when Deidra asked to go when we were out. I told myself that whatever we needed we could get at Wal-mart and she chose a candy bar and I let her indulge in that one thing. I told her that was it for today. The kids have been asking to go to McDonalds and I said not today. I need to bake more and make our own treats I think. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. But, I will look at his little comments and respect them more.

Baby J's new fascination...

is to find out what will flush down the toilet. I was folding laundry when Little E ran in there to tell me that Baby J had one of Lucy's bones in the toilet. Yup, by the time I made it to the bathroom he had already flushed it. I used it shortly afterwards and it seemed fine. The kids had used it along with our occupational therapist and nobody said anything. We finished up OT and Little E had to go potty and when she came out, I had to go. Well, she had left some surprised in there for me and as I called out to her to remember to flush next time (at the same time I flush for her), the water starts overflowing everywhere. I got Mr. Plunger and after plunging about 6 times...the water still wants to overflow everytime you flush. I'm thinking the rawhide must have expanded once it was wet for awhile. I called Andy at work and asked him if he wanted me to call a plumber and he said he'd take a look when he got home first and if he wasn't successful we'd call the plumber. Little boys I tell you!

What a sweet hubby...

I was at my baby brother's high school graduation yesterday and Andy texted me to find out my ETA. I told him I didn't know and asked why. He let me know that he was doing something as a surprise for me. He kept asking for more and more time and then finally told me I could drive home slowly. I came home and he had built a hutch in my guest bathroom above the toilet so we had a place to store things and get the toilet paper rolls off the floor. Deidra had written me a note telling me how much she loved me and happy present day and put it on the shelf. Andy even had bought a new carpet cleaner (Baby J broke our other one) and steam cleaned the bottom floor carpets for me. I was so touched, but unfortunately I still am not feeling all that well, so I went to bed shortly after I got home since it was already almost 10 pm. But, what a sweet hubby I have!

As busy as a bee...

So much going on, so much needs to be done. Flylady has me saying "you can do anything in 15 minutes." So, that is literally what I'm trying to do. I have a cycle that I'm trying to do.

15 minutes of sensory activities, 15 minutes of reading my adoption books that we have to read, 15 minutes of cleaning, 15 minutes of educational stuff with the kids, 15 minutes of reading my fiction book, and a 15-minute break for e-mail and 15 minutes of outside time and I'm trying to spend 15 minutes doing some stuff for me, my marriage, and to be a better parent as well. Then the process starts over. Granted, I'm having to stop in between there to make meals/snacks and I have other stuff thrown in there...and I'm always having to stop and get the kids out of something or stopping to discipline or whatever...but I am trying my darndest to do everything. Baby J has t-ball practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Deidra has volleyball practice on Thursdays too. Deidra's games start this Saturday and Baby J's games start next week on Tuesdays and Fridays and they're moving practices for his games on game days and he just needs to be there 30 minutes before.

The kids all have occupational therapy on Mondays for 45 minutes each child as well and I was just told that they're getting a part-time assistant and she asked me if I would be open to having Baby J do another session as she really feels he needs a session just devoted to strictly sensory stuff because he is so over the top. She thought they could give him 45 minutes of massages, joint compressions, and exposing him to different textures and other stuff that will help with his issues. I told her all that I've been doing lately but I think it will help and I'm willing to give it a try. So, that will start in the next week or two. Then, Baby T is still in speech twice a week as well, but I'm still having problems with the speech therapist not showing for appts and now they're starting to crack down on us for not having all the documentation on why appts are missed and they want us to reschedule as much as possible. She cancelled on me 3 times this week and Baby T only had one appt that we made it for. I cancelled the other day due to car problems. UGH! And the kids are all in play therapy every two weeks now as well.

I just got monthly paperwork done and I need to go get that turned in after I get Deidra from school. Summer vacation starts today!

Baby J's adoption...

Our homestudy was officially submitted to CPS on Monday. His CPS adoption worker called me last night to set up some dates. We're waiting for some paperwork to come back, but she said we could schedule his adoption presentation (they talk about us as a family to CPS, and we have the opportunity to ask any questions that we have on his adoption file that we got a couple weeks ago to read, we sign papers on our intent to adopt and he officially becomes an adoptive placement instead of a foster child, and we sign our subsidy papers) and so we go on the 22nd of June to go to that. She then told me that our adoption date was either June 29 or the 30th, she needs to wait to hear which date was better for the court and then she'll get back to us. So, Baby J will officially be ours by the end of this month. Just wanted to share our news! I told Deidra last night and she is a very thrilled big sister! She's been asking for a long time now if we were ever really going to be able to adopt him. On June 1, he has been with us for 2 years. Our very first foster placement and now he will officially be a Hoffman very soon. :-)

The Love Dare--Day 25

Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.”

I forgive my husband for all the times he hasn't lived up to my expectations or let me down. I forgive him for not always thinking of my feelings or being harsh in his tone. I forgive him for being selfish and only thinking about himself and what he need/wants. I forgive him for all the times we've argued and he's hurt my feelings.